Witty Phantom's House On Madness Hill
by T Pirate Duke Of Leprach
Summary: When Yu-Gi-Oh, Star Wars, LOTR, South Park, Martha Stewart, Elton John with cameos by Poe, Steve Irwin all collide, what will happen? MADNESS! BWAHAHAHAHAHAH! cough
1. It Begins

Witty Phantoms, insane pixies, snoring wookies, chatty aliens, pointy hatted wizards, toaster electrocution, annoying Yamis, black holes, space princesses, pranks gone wrong, fruity elves, how to groom your wookie, power failures, ooh...shiny! Munchies, coarse language, giant clams, random chases, sinks clogged with aliens! Martha Stewart, chilli powder, Elrond champion at hiding in confined spaces, Food fights, Elton John! Scandals, booze, Gollum's fling, morning after horror/disbelief, apple pie, all things bright and flammable! Kernel Saunders, Charlie Chaplin, puzzles, dreams of blarogs, nuns, Mcdoogles, squirrels, Edgar Allen Poe! The ring, Toro! Dr Phil, Steve Irwin, explosions! THAT'S RIGHT! THE SUMMER'S BIGGEST CROSSOVER! ALL OF THE ABOVE, GARANTEED AND MUCH MUCH MORE!  
  
A vast, ye landlubbers! I, as you might have guessed, am T, Pirate Duke Of Leprechauns. Technically, I would be the "Duchess", but Duke has a much better ring to it, don't you think? Anyways, this is my first fiction, A CROSSOVER! WHOO! *Ahem * Right. Go easy on me! I've rambled a bit in the first few chapters, but things pick up in chapter four by other's standards. Every story must have it's beginning. So, without much further ado, The Witty Phantom's House On Madness Hill! Crossablanca!  
  
DISCLAIMER: I am not Kazuki Takahashi. I do not own the rights to Yu-Gi-Oh. I wish I did! Then I wouldn't have to waste my time and patience writing the stupid disclaimers!  
  
THE WITTY PHANTOM'S HOUSE ON MADNESS HILL OR CROSSABLANCA  
  
A cold chill swept across the dark land, and the sound of leaves rustling was the only sound heard, besides the squeaking of bats. A dark figure slowly steps out of the shadows..  
  
WITTY PHANTOM: Hello, reader, and welcome to my humble abode. Although things are quite dull at the moment, I assure you, they'll pick up.  
  
RAY: Who'll pick up what now?  
  
WITTY PHANTOM: Yes.. Reader, this is my assistant Ray. *Motions towards the small dark haired pixie*  
You see, reader, I have left my mansion to a group of people for a while. All complete strangers, aside from the few that actually know each other. Why, you ask? Well, for  
entertainment, Reader, what else? *Laughs*  
  
RAY: Yeah!...Why else?  
  
WITTY PHANTOM: That was a rhetorical question, Ray.  
  
RAY: It didn't seem very rhetorical to me!  
  
WITTY PHANTOM: Do you even know what that means?  
  
RAY: *lowering gaze* No sir.  
  
WITTY PHANTOM: I'll tell you later. Now it's time to continue this thing.  
  
RAY: Please do! I'm so bored!  
  
WITTY PHANTOM: Have patience, Ray. Something will happen soon, I assure you.  
  
RAY: *big smile* like the houseshare getting eaten by ravenous beavers?  
  
WITTY PHANTOM: *sweatdrop* No. Very well, Reader, I welcome to madness hill!  
  
Chapter one  
  
AND SO IT BEGINS...  
  
It was early morning, and the sun slowly rose up over the trees. Three long black limos pulled up over the hill, stopping before a rather large mansion...  
Out of the first came Tea Gardener, Yugi, Bakura and their yamis. Thinking they were the only five, they gazed in amazement at the second limo, from which a tough looking man, a small, green dwarfish thing with large ears, and something that closely resembled a yeti emerged. They did, of course, have names; Han Solo, and his pet (the wookie) Chewbacca, and Yoda.  
For quite a while they stared in shock at one another, before turning their gaze to the aged, tall figure clothed in grey, with a rather long beard and a strange pointed hat, who was none other then Gandalf the Grey.  
After about twenty minutes of pointless staring, the group figured out that they were, in fact, the houseshare, and they proceeded inside.  
There were only four bedrooms in the mansion. Well, four in the wing in which they were staying. There were several large closets, but nobody wanted to stay in a closet when they could have a room. It was decided that Tea should have her own room seeing as she was the only girl, and, what room was better then the circular pink room with the two canopy beds, which were a bright shade of fuchsia. Tea hated the colour pink, but she decided it wouldn't be fair to force a boy to live in a pink room for two months. Chewbacca and Han chose the rectangular room, which was a shade of peach. Since there were three beds, Yami Yugi volunteered to bunk up with them. Yami Bakura had refused to leave Bakura and stay with "those freaks"', and, to Bakura's displeasure, shared the top bunk bed with him in the blue room, with yugi on the bottom bunk. Yugi and Yami Bakura fought over the top, but it was decided that Yami should get it since he was older, and the top was big enough for two people. Yoda picked the green room, and since there was no place left for Gandalf, He was forced to share with him. Both sat on their beds, eyeing each other.  
"So..." Han said, trying to start up a conversation with his roommate, who was sitting cross-legged on his bed, eyeing Han. "Yami Yugi, right?" Yami nodded and Han continued.  
"What's the deal? You and that kid look alike. And the white haired one with the psycho? I don't mean any disrespect, but what's up with that?" Yami smiled before answering his question. This "Han" had very good reason for calling Yami Bakura a psycho. He had made quite a scene earlier, clinging to Bakura's arm and refusing to let go, calling the others freaks and yelling curses in Egyptian. Bakura had tried to silence him several times, and lost patience, which was rare. "Fine! I'll sleep with you!" he yelled, which didn't sound quite right, causing everyone to laugh, and breaking the staring contest between Yoda and the man named Gandalf.  
" The Psycho's name is Yami Bakura," said Yami with a laugh. "We are other spirits who live in yugi and Bakura's bodies. We look like them, because they are our hosts. They possess millennium items. We were separated from them a while back, but we still look like them. It's complicated." Yami explained. " Fine, I'll sleep with you!" Han imitated Bakura's British accent and laughed. Chewie made a growling noise that sounded like a chuckle.  
Soon night fell. Everyone changed into his or her pyjamas. Yoda only wore underpants, which was probably the reason why nobody visited his room. Gandalf looked like a freaky version of Santa Claus in his red long underwear. Everyone had been amazed that Gandalf and Yoda had broken their odd staring contest long enough to change.  
  
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TO COME:  
  
Of Snoring Wookies And Insomniacs!  
  
- T, Pirate Duke Of Leprechauns 


	2. Of Snoring Wookies And Insomniacs

T: Hiya again! Erm.. A vast! Yar! There, that should do it for pirate speak. Um. Yeah! I've gotten Shadi to help me out with the disclaimers and such!  
  
SHADI: Help? You pulled up beside my yacht and threw a bag over my head!  
  
T: *Ahem * Look, we could stand here and debate over whom kidnapped whom, or we could not keep the nice people waiting.  
  
SHADI: *Grumbles *  
  
T: *Singsong Voice * If you stay and help I'll let you walk around in my mind!  
  
SHADI: Finally! Something I'm good at! *Whips out Sennen Key * T doesn't-  
  
T: If you're going to do it, do it right!  
  
SHADI: Oh, yes, the full title. T, Pirate Duke Of Leprechauns, doesn't own Yu-Gi-Oh, Star Wars or Lord Of The Rings. I'm not sure she even owns sanity.  
  
T: I keep it in a jar.  
  
SHADI: See what I mean, reader?  
  
T: I OWN YOUR SOUL! MWAHAHAHAHAH! Jokes.  
  
SHADI: That's enough out of you, Leprechaun girl! Less talkie more walkie! * Sticks key to her forehead *  
  
Chapter Two  
  
OF SNORING WOOKIES AND INSOMNIACS  
  
Nobody in Han's room got a good night's sleep. Chewbacca snored like a bulldozer, and growled in his sleep. Yami Yugi had gotten a large scratch on his face when he and Han had smothered Chewie with a pillow to get him to shut it. In fact, nobody had gotten a good night's sleep. Yugi hadn't slept at all hearing the catfight between Bakura and his Yami. "Watch where you put your leg Ryou!" "Get your arm off me!" "Augh! You drooled on my chest!" "What were you doing so close to me anyway!?" and the mattress would squeak every time they'd push one another. "Shut up!"Yugi would yell, and Yami would whack him with a pillow, and Bakura would sit on Yami's chest and smother him for it. " Get off!" Yami Bakura would yell, muffled by the pillow. He'd squirm so much that Yugi thought the mattress would fall on him. Eventually Yami Bakura grabbed Bakura by the hips and shoved him sideways. Yami Bakura panted. "You're lucky I still haven't killed you." He hissed. Soon they'd both fallen asleep, and Yugi did too. Then the peace was somehow shattered. Apparently, Gandalf and Yoda had gotten over their fear of each other, and had become quite chatty. Tea, who was on the other side of the wall, could stand it no longer. " SHUT UP!!" She screamed. Her scream echoed through the halls, and woke Yami Yugi, who stormed out into the hall and slammed the door behind him. The slam woke Han, who sat up startled. Very P.O'd, he yelled at the top of his lungs. " SOME PEOPLE ARE TRYIN' TO SLEEP HERE!" Han's voice woke up Yami Bakura, who realized that he and Bakura were very close to one another. Bakura woke up at the exact same time, and he and Yami began fighting over who should move over. In turn, they woke up Yugi, Who hollered "WHO CARES WHEATHER YOU'RE CLOSE TO EACH OTHER OR NOT? YOU'RE SLEEPING!" Unfortunately, Yami Yugi had just settled the quarrel between Tea and Yoda, and had no patience left. "QUIET!" Yami's booming voice would have startled any normal person, as was just said, normal. Yami Bakura calmly told him to mind his own business, and the two Yami's began to fight. A startling roar from Chewbacca silenced everyone, and they were quiet for the remaining three hours of night.  
  
By this time everyone was quite cranky. Han held a meeting, to discuss what had happened the night before. Han became quite business like, and was pacing across the room from where everyone was sitting.  
"Now then." Han said when everyone was seated. "About last night. This is not a hard problem to solve. Gandalf, Yoda, no more talking, and for God's sake put some pants on!" Han exclaimed to Yoda, who was still in his underpants. Gandalf chuckled. "Some of the fruit is out of the loom, my friend." He said. "Hmmmm.. Yes.." Yoda replied, looking down. A horrified expression crossed Tea's face. Han continued "Tea, no yelling. Yami Yugi, no slamming doors. Chewie, no snoring." Tea nodded, Yami Yugi grunted in approval, and chewie growled.  
"Bakura, Yami Bakura, you're sharing a bed, so deal with it. Yugi, no yelling. And I myself will try not to lose my patience." Yami Bakura grinned. "You're forgetting one thing Han." "What?" "Don't pet your wookie." Silence. Yami Yugi cast him a sideways glance. "Don't mind him. He's a nut." Tea said.  
All of the sudden Bakura began giggling like a schoolgirl. A high pitch giggle that startled many people. Yami Yugi bent down and looked at Bakura. "What's so funny?" he asked.  
Yami Bakura laughed. He grinned at his hikari. "Or anyone else's wookie, for that matter." This made Bakura giggle louder, until he was red in the face. He fell sideways, laughing like a hyena, onto Yami Yugi. Gandalf and Yoda started laughing. Soon the whole room was rocking except for Tea and Han. "Sick!" Tea cried, slapping Yami upside the head.  
Han glared coldly. "I could make comments about you too. Like why are you so attached to Bakura?" the whole room went silent. Yami stood up. "Yami...control yourself." Yami Yugi said. Chewie growled at Han to do the same. Yami Bakura snickered. His hand shot out and he grabbed Bakura's wrist. Yugi gasped. What was this about? Yami pulled him close, and put his arm around his shoulders. The silver haired teen stared, confused. Yami pinched his cheek, hard. Bakura winced. " ISN'T HE SO CUUUTE!"Yami hollered, hugging him and planting two wet kisses on both cheeks before cackling and walking out of the room. Confusedly, he wiped Yami's spit off his face and rubbed the blue mark on his cheek. Everyone in the room blinked wildly. "That was weird." Tea said. Gandalf was the first to speak. "I'll make breakfast." and he left. "What a demented freak!" Han remarked.  
  
WITTY PHANTOM: Didn't that take a wild turn, reader?  
  
RAY: *bored expression* Wake me when it gets exciting.  
  
WITTY PHANTOM: It already is. And, it will get very interesting, reader, as they all crack!  
  
RAY: And we feed them to ravenous beavers!  
  
WITTY PHANTOM: *blinks* always the beavers... Anyway, reader, I won't keep you waiting.  
  
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BOOM BOX: This is a recording. Take a few moments to review, before clicking the next chapter. Take a few minutes to review before clicking the next chapter. This tape will self-destruct in five, four, three, two. Two. Two..  
  
OLD MAN: *Hits boom box with broom *  
  
BOOM BOX: . Two. One * Blows up*  
  
OLD MAN: I love this job! * Does a jig* Next Up, In Which Gandalf Gets His Brains Fried! 


	3. In Which Gandalf Gets His Brains Fried

Shadi is standing in the midst of a vast room looking like a pirate Captain's quarters with an Egyptian touch.  
  
SHADI: Her mind is mostly books, schoolwork with many memorized songs and movies, fanfiction ideas. Ooh! A movie! *Pops movie into VCR * *turns green * Autopsy footage! * Grabs a jar to be sick in * Wow! She does keep her sanity in a jar!  
  
The turbaned explorer picks up jello and starts eating it.  
  
SHADI: Yum! Oh, T, Pirate Duke Of Leprechauns, doesn't own anything in the chapter below. Though she does own a cheese sandwich.  
  
Chapter three  
  
IN WHICH GANDALF GETS HIS BRAINS FRIED  
  
Everyone was doing his or her own thing in the living area. Tea was reading a book in her armchair, and Yoda was meditating in the middle of the floor. Chewie had taken a shine to Bakura, and followed him everywhere. Right now they were both watching the only channel they had, discovery. Yami yugi had fallen asleep in the other armchair and was muttering, "That's mine! Get your own sandwich!"  
Han was doing push ups, and Yugi was playing solitaire. Gandalf was in the kitchen, making toast. He had seen the others do it many times before it didn't look too hard. He popped the bread into the slots and read the paper, waiting for the toast to come up.  
To his dismay Yami Bakura walked in. "This is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends! Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and will continue singing it forever just because it is the song that.." "YAMI!" Yami stopped singing. "What is it? You're not one for the fine arts?"  
Gandalf rolled his eyes."Gandalf." Yami said in a singsong voice. "What?" Gandalf snapped. "Yourtoastisburning" he said. Gandalf blinked, and then glared. "Shouldn't you be bugging someone else now?"  
"Nope. I've already bugged Han, Tea, Yoda, yugi, yami..." He counted on his fingers. "That leaves you. Then I start all over." "How wonderful." Gandalf said, rolling his eyes again.  
"Oh, and Gandalf," He said with a smirk. "Your toast is burning." the smell reached Gandalf's nostrils, and he turned around. The toaster was emitting large clouds of black smoke. "You could've warned me!" He yelled to yami. "Shoulda, woulda, coulda." he said, crossing his arms and leaning against the wall. Gandalf grabbed the nearest object he could find to pry the toast out, which happened to be a knife. A horrible sizzling noise filled the room.  
Gandalf's hair stood on end and electricity coursed through his beard. Yami laughed. The others had heard the noise, and they came to see what happened. " You never stick metal in something electrical!" Han scolded.  
"Are you okay?" Yugi asked. Gandalf growled, and wrapped his hands around Yami, who was laughing uncontrollably. The albino screamed. "Ouch! Don't take it out on me!" "You didn't say anything!"Gandalf snapped. "It's not my fault you're incompetent."Yami smirked "Why you!" Gandalf chased yami around the house, arms outstretched to strangle him. "This is going to be a long two months." Yugi sighed.  
  
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SHADI: * Still eating * *Belches * Oh, hello. My, what a short chapter! Word documents seem longer when written on a DOS computer then transferred. * Mouthful * this is great! I wonder what flavour this is?  
  
TAG: Science Experiment DO NOT TOUCH  
  
Shadi clamps his hand over his mouth, dropping the platter with a clang. The green mess spells out the words "READ AND REVIEW! NEXT CHAPTER: BLACK HOLES, PRINCESSES AND THE GROUP'S DIMINISHING PATIENCE!" 


	4. Of Black Holes, Princesses And The Group...

T: Back so soon?  
  
SHADI: Your mind is a dangerous place. * Stomach grumbles loudly* Ooh.  
  
T: More dangerous then Yami's mind?  
  
SHADI: Yes! His defences didn't involve rancid jello!  
  
T: Didn't your mother ever tell you not to eat things you found?  
  
SHADI: eh-but-no-that-.  
  
T: Ah ha! Elementary my dear Watson!  
  
WATSON: * Eating a doughnut * what?  
  
SHADI: *blinking * Where'd you get that? How'd you get here?  
  
WATSON: Tunnel. *Points * Windowsill *points *  
  
OLD CRONE: *waving a rolling pin * Hey! Arrrhhhhg! Give it beck! Ah ho ho! Hiiiii! T, Pirate Duke Of Leprechauns isn't Takahashi, Lucas or Tolkien! That would be quite a personality disorder! Give me back that crawler, you crawling. crawling. Fat balding man! YAAAAAAAHH!  
  
Chapter four  
  
OF BLACK HOLES, PRINCESSES AND THE GROUP'S DIMISHING PATIENCE  
  
The first week had gone by surprisingly well, except for a few incidents. Like Gandalf getting fried by the toaster, and a couple of little spats between Han and Yami Bakura.  
On the bright side of things, Yugi had finally had a good's night sleep. Han's speech had gotten through to Bakura and Yami, and they no longer fought. In fact, they had been getting along extremely well, or as well as they possibly could. Everyone had a slight case of cabin fever, and boredom.  
Chewbacca and Yami Yugi were just sitting on the couch, staring into space. Tea had fallen asleep in her armchair, the newspaper over her face. Gandalf was knitting something, and when asked, told them it was a sock.  
Yoda was sprawled on his back, just lying there. Yugi and Bakura had fallen asleep during their game of cards, and were sleeping sitting up, leaning against each other.  
Han was lying on his back counting ceiling tiles, and Yami Bakura was carelessly tossing popcorn kernels at him. The only sounds were of snoring, and Han hissing "quit it!" When Yami had actually hit him. Finally Han could stand it no longer. "IF SOMETHING DOESN'T HAPPEN SOON, I'LL GO NUTS!"  
  
He screamed. "Stress leads to anger, and anger leads to wickedness... Yes... stay calm, and the dark forces may never touch you. Yes.." Yoda croaked. "I don't give a damn about any dark forces at the moment Yoda!" Han cried.  
The room fell silent once more. "Somebody say something." Han grumbled. "Okay. Han, you're an idiot and you look like a camel." Yami Bakura offered. "Why I oughta!" "Now now!" Gandalf said, putting his knitting down. Han glared and Yami Bakura smiled. "Mortals are so fun to tease." He chuckled. "Freak." "Moron." "That's enough. You're behaving like children." Yami Yugi said sternly. "Yes mother." "Yami, I've had just about enough of you!" Yami Yugi yelled. Gandalf and Yoda shook their heads.  
"It's amazing you haven't woken the children." Gandalf scolded. By children, he meant Yugi, Bakura and Tea, who were the youngest there. Yami Yugi certainly would have started a fistfight with the other Yami if he hadn't heard the noise. Everyone stopped. "What's that?" Yami Yugi said.  
It sounded like someone far away was screaming, except that it was getting closer. It got extremely loud, and Yoda covered his large ears with his tiny hands.  
Suddenly, a hole opened up in the ceiling, a large, gaping, and dark hole. A blur of white fell shrieking from it, and fell on Han.  
He grunted as it hit him. Han cursed loudly. "Sorry Han." It said. "Leia?" Han gasped, as she brushed herself off. "What are you doing here?" Leia fixed her large buns, and said. "I don't know. I had received a letter three weeks ago, and got sucked into this black hole. I've been in there ever since!" She looked around. " Who are all of you?" She asked, seeing Yami Bakura, who was making snide comments about how Han was as useful as a cushion.  
"I am Gandalf." Gandalf said, and continued. " And the sleeping trio are Yugi, Bakura and Tea." " I am Yami Yugi, and this abnormality beside me is Yami Bakura." Yami Yugi said with a grin.  
"Thank you for the kind introduction." Yami Bakura replied. "We're the other members of the houseshare, stuck here by that crazed phantom. Do you know of any others?" Han Said.  
"No." Leia replied slowly. "You'll have to share a room with tea." Yami Bakura said. He had made his way across the room and proceeded to smother Bakura. His eyes flew open and he coughed. He then glared at Yami."You could have woken me up nicely!" "Yes, but that wouldn't have been as fun." Bakura tripped Yami as he walked away. Yami hit the floor hard. " Ryou!" Yami growled menacingly, lashing out with his hand and grabbing Bakura's foot. He dragged him across the floor, and tried to smother him again. The commotion woke Yugi, who rushed to Bakura's aide, trying to pull Yami off him.  
Yami yugi rolled his eyes. He turned to Leia, who was staring. "They're usually like that. Except Ryou's usually well behaved." Yami Yugi said, perplexed. "Yeah, well, anyone who shares a room with that lunatic is likely to change a little." Han said. Yami yugi grunted in approval. "Shouldn't you do something to stop them?" Leia asked.  
" There's no use in trying." Gandalf said with a chuckle. "Anyway, you'll be sharing a room with Tea. TEA!" Yami Yugi hollered. "Huh? What!" Tea sat bolt upright, the paper falling from her face. She looked at the tangled mass of limbs on the floor and then at Leia. "What'd I miss?" she asked, confused. "A new member of the houshare has arrived, yes. Sharing a room with you, yes." Yoda said.  
"Hi, I'm Tea." "I'm Leia." The two girls shook hands. "I'm glad I'm not the only girl." Tea said with a smile. "Get off me!" came a muffled yell. " Oh, hello." said Yugi. "Yes, be polite Ryou." Smirked Yami, who had pinned him to the floor and was now resting his head and elbows on Bakura's back. "I would if you'd get off me!" He hissed. Yami Yugi sighed.  
He yanked Bakura out from under Yami. "Enough of this foolishness." Bakura's face reddened from embarrassment and he introduced himself. Tea showed Leia to their room, and the group disbanded.  
  
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WASTSON: *dusting confectioner's sugar off * Well, I guess I'll be taking my leave. Tally Ho!  
  
T & SHADI: Wait!  
  
WATSON: Yes?  
  
T: Tell them to read and review.  
  
SHADI: Yes. Or I'll send you to the shadow realm!  
  
Watson and T stare  
  
SHADI: Oh, I can't be cruel once in a while?  
  
Old Crone runs out of her house, chasing Watson down with the pin  
  
WATSON: ARGH! GREAT SCOTT! READ AND REVIEW!  
  
They run off into the sunset, the silhouettes of the two stocky people black against the orange sky.  
  
T: Only in Canada!  
  
Shadi and T place their hands over their hearts, looking up at the sky.  
  
The words " Yamis And Water Don't Mix" are written in the clouds. 


	5. Yamis And Water Don't Mix

T: Well, now that Watson has left us.  
  
SHADI: It's just you and me.  
  
Long pause, crickets are heard in the background.  
  
T: Can I see your mind?  
  
SHADI: No.  
  
T: Please?  
  
SHADI: No.  
  
T: Please!  
  
SHADI: Fine. But do the disclaimer first.  
  
T: YAY! * Dances in a circle on the floor * I don't own anything! Apology for the short chapters, there's something weird with my DOS computer. One page here is four there. Weird eh?  
  
X Files theme plays  
  
SHADI: The truth. Is out there!  
  
Chapter Five  
  
YAMIS AND WATER DON'T MIX  
  
Yami Bakura stood fiddling with the switches in the cellar. "Heating.. Light.. Electricity.. Water, here we are." A mischievous grin spread across his face. " Its time that Han Solo learned a little lesson." He whispered to himself, flipping the switch and laughing. "What'cha doing Yami?"  
Yami Bakura turned around slowly. "Han?!" he exclaimed. "You were expecting another?" Han said, shrugging. "But, You're..." yami stammered. "I got suspicious when I saw you heading down here. I left the shower to the next person in line. Just as I suspected, here you are playing a dirty little joke. Well, I'm going to enjoy this!" Han said with a grimace.  
  
Meanwhile, Tea and leia sat in the kitchen, drinking tea and reading. Yami Yugi was also there, along with Gandalf. "Yami, I'm not a child! I need no constant supervision!" Gandalf said, waving a piece of bread at Yami. "I'm just making sure you don't liquefy yourself." He replied matter of factly. Gandalf grumbled and muttered to himself. A piercing screech filled the room, shattering everyone's eardrums.  
"What was that?" Yami asked. They all listened as a door slammed, hard, causing an urn to wobble on the shelf. Gandalf caught it before it fell. Yugi came running down the stairs. "Is everybody alright?" "Yes. Who was that?"  
  
Yami Bakura and Han had heard the screech too. He panicked. "If you're here? Who's in the shower?" "Your ass is gonna fry!" Han laughed, slapping his knee. "Tell me who it was, imbecile, or I'll-" Yami was cut off by a sudden eruption of laughter from upstairs.  
Leia giggled loudly, almost falling down the cellar stairs. The others ran down the steps too, and gathered in a crowd at the bottom. Leia was laughing so hard she had to support herself on the railing. Yami nervously counted. "Ryou?" He squeaked. "Right O." Han snickered.  
Bakura walked stiffly down the stairs, soaking wet and angry. His eyes burned with malice, and his teeth were clenched. His white hair hung into his eyes, and he flipped it out, wiping the excess water off onto his already soaking jeans, which was all he was wearing. He made his way over to the switches where Yami was standing. He glared, and spat water onto his face. Yami blinked, and stammered apologies.  
Han shook with silent laughter. Bakura roughly turned the water back on, and screamed "I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR JOKES AND COMMENTS! GROW UP AND SHUT UP, IT WOULD BE VERY MUCH APPRICIATED!" then he walked away, his long wet hair slapping Yami in the face as he turned around. Everyone slowly made their way back up the stairs, except leia, who was practically in tears.  
" Next time, try to plan better." Han said with a chuckle, slapping Yami on the back. He walked away, leaving the white haired tomb robber dazed and embarrassed.  
  
/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*- /*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*  
  
BOOM BOX: This is a recording. T is reading Shadi's mind right now, so take a few moments to Read and Review. Take a few moments to read and review. This tape will self-destruct in five.  
  
REDNECK: * Shoots Boom box * ain't fast enough. A them noise is upsetting Lurlene and Jim Bob.  
  
The redneck grins, and on his teeth the words " Legolas Comes out of the closet" are seen. 


	6. Legolas Comes Out Of The Closet

VOICE OVER: There is nothing wrong with your television do not try and adjust the picture.  
  
T: Why?  
  
VOICE OVER: We control the horizontal and the vertical.  
  
T: The Diagonal?  
  
SHADI: Yeah! You missed one!  
  
VOICE OVER: * frustrated * we can show you thousands of things or expand one image to crystal clarity.  
  
T: Not all crystal is clear.  
  
VOICE OVER: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH?!  
  
T and Shadi jump three feet off the couch.  
  
VOICE OVER: I know the script has problems! But stop pointing them out! It takes away from the eeriness, goddamit!  
  
SHADI: Someone's got a temper.  
  
T: *whispering * PMS..  
  
VOICE OVER: I do not have Pre Menstrual Syndrome!  
  
SHADI: He said a dirty word!  
  
T and Shadi laugh hysterically.  
  
VOICE OVER: Become a voice actor, mom said; the people will love you, mom said. T, Pirate Duke of Leprechauns, does not own anything. Nor do she and Shadi have any TACT!  
  
T: *hands up * Easy, dude, chill.  
  
Chapter seven  
  
LEGOLAS COMES OUT OF THE CLOSET  
  
Gandalf's 'sock' was nearly finished, as was the group's patience. Things were not going well at all. Yami Bakura was getting on everyone's nerves with all of his snide comments, and by this time everyone was on to his pecking order.  
Yugi and Bakura had scared themselves and hadn't slept for several days, after watching something on discovery about vampires, aliens, yetis and the like. Conversation was getting dull for all of them, and although Han had tried to learn duel monsters, he had given up, as it was 'too complicated.' Yami had muttered something about not being able to teach an old dog new tricks, and had gotten a black eye for it. Little did they know that chaos was just about to grow...  
Gandalf scratched himself as he went downstairs to the kitchen. Lots of things had been weighing on his mind of late, and although he refused to admit it, he was becoming slightly homesick. The members of the houshare were nice, but things were not the same. Here he was regarded as the useless old fart, while at home he was a figure of great importance and respect. He took the milk from the fridge and searched for a glass, pouring the milk. Alas, being half asleep, he poured too much, and it spilled to the floor. Cursing, Gandalf groped around for a dishtowel, and found none.  
He made his way back up the stairs, leaving the milk on the counter. He opened the linen closet, reaching in. An ear shattering scream was heard, and all the members of the houshare flew from their rooms and out into the hall, turning on the light, and the crystal on the chandelier from which it came still swayed, casting strange shadows on the walls.  
" Was that you?" Yugi asked in disbelief, staring at Gandalf, whose face was a bright shade of scarlet.  
"Fool of an Elf!" He growled, yanking a tall, blond figure clothed in green from the linen closet.  
"Mithrandir!" he cried, "Thank goodness it's you!" "You two know each other?" Leia said, her eyes darting from Gandalf to the newcomer. Gandalf sighed." This is Legolas Greenleaf, son of Weenus. I think that since he is here, he will be joining us."  
"Son?" Han said, perplexed, staring at Legolas' womanish features. "Yes." Said Gandalf with a smirk. "Although I sometimes doubt it myself." "Oh, be nice!" Legolas said, with a wave of his hand.  
"Well, welcome Legolas!" Said Bakura, trying to be polite. "Weenus.. Hey, that rhymes with-" "Yami!" Bellowed Yami Yugi, casting him a sideways glance. "Where's he gonna sleep?" Tea said. "Well..." Yugi said slowly. "There's a large enough closet in our room." Legolas nodded. "I'm sure that will do."  
"Alright! Then let's all get some sleep."  
  
It had been three days since the arrival of Legolas, and the other members of the houseshare were starting to become disenchanted with him.  
There was hardly any hot water left due to his long showers, and getting into the bathroom was almost impossible. Leia's strawberry shampoo had mysteriously disappeared, and Legolas claimed he knew nothing of it, but there was always a faint odour of strawberries about him.  
"So tedious!" Legolas complained, plucking his eyebrows. "If you keep on with those tweezers, there will be nothing left." Tea replied, stifling a laugh. "Oh, hush."  
Gandalf sighed, and put down his knitting. "Be glad you weren't stuck with him for a month out on a quest." Yami Yugi grunted in agreement. Legolas made a face, and continued to stare at his reflection.  
"Alright!" Han roared, bolting down the stairs. "Who did this to Chewie?!"  
Chewbacca came down the stairs, his fur fluffed out around him, so that nothing showed except his eyes and fangs. He reeked of strawberries, and a pink bow was tied around his head.  
"He looks like a fucking poodle!" "Language, yes." Yoda said sternly. "What's wrong with the word poodle?" Han snapped, and Yami Bakura muttered something about how the same creature had a larger brain.  
"Who did it!" Han said in a very tumultuous voice. The members of the houshare gazed at one another. "I assure you, it wasn't me." Gandalf said. "Well I know it wasn't you, you're too busy doing Grandpa stuff!"  
A hushed silence fell over them, as Gandalf stood up menacingly. " HAN SOLO, I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU!" The room around them darkened, and the lights flickered. Han took a deep breath. "Do it again!" Yami Bakura cried to Gandalf, but Yami Yugi nudged him in the ribs.  
"I'm sorry Gandalf. I didn't mean it. But just... Look!" "No offence taken." Gandalf said with a smile. Chewie growled in embarrassment. "You look fine, really." Tea said, trying to keep a straight face.  
"Legolas..." Han said, turning around slowly. "Yes?" "Did you?" "Did I what?" Said Legolas, playing dumb. "DID WHAT?!" "Yes, I believe that's what I asked." "Dumb blond... No really! Did you do this to Chewie?" "If in fact you mean the bath thing, yes." "And the ribbon?" He nodded.  
"Look." Said Han, taking him by the front of his tunic."Nobody, I repeat, nobody, is to give Chewie a bath! He's perfectly capable of doing it himself!" "And you used my shampoo!" Leia cried. "Well excuse me for trying to help." Legolas said, and the whole room erupted.  
"Silence!" Yoda cried, and everyone turned and stared. "Anger will get us nowhere, yes! Rules have we must, if we wish to a lead more peaceful experience, yes! Shower times scheduled will be, so everyone may share the water. And no one is anyone's else's wookie to touch, yes!"  
Everyone was quite pleased with Yoda's words of advice, but the moment was ruined when Bakura and his Yami burst into a fit of giggles.  
  
WITTY PHANTOM: *wiping away a tear* Ah, I have never laughed so hard in my life! Well, reader, I wish I had a camera.  
  
RAY: Ok, I admit. This is pretty exciting. But it's not as good as watching ravenous beavers!  
  
WITTY PHANTOM: And what, pray tell, is so exciting about beavers?  
  
RAY: RAVENOUS Beavers.  
  
WITTY PHANTOM: *rolls eyes* ravenous beavers, then.  
  
RAY: They're ravenous!  
  
WITTY PHANTOM: *sighs* I prefer Charlie Chaplin's comedy to this anytime... But if it's freakish creatures you like to see, reader, continue on!  
  
RAY: *pleased* ohgoodieohgoodieohgoodie!  
  
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VOICE OVER: *still ranting *  
  
Shadi slowly reaches behind the couch for the remote.  
  
VOICE OVER: What're you doing!  
  
SHADI: Ummm. Stretching.. Yes, that'll do.  
  
T: Nothing. If you knew it'd probably TURN YOU OFF! *Clamps hand over mouth * Oh no! I said the loud part quiet and the quiet part loud!  
  
VOICE OVER: I knew it! Read and review! Up next, In Which There Is Much Dark! 


	7. In Which There Is Much Dark

T: *laying down three cards * Queens.  
  
SHADI: *laying down five cards * Kings.  
  
T: Bullshit!  
  
SHADI: Don't swear! *Slaps her hand *  
  
T: But Bullshit is the name of the game-  
  
SHADI: Don't swear! * Slaps her hand *  
  
T: * scowling * doesn't matter! I win!  
  
SHADI: Why? How did you know I was bluffing! *Sinks to his knees *  
  
T: Shadi, they're aren't five kings in a deck.  
  
SHADI: Oh, Ra! Man am I thick! Best two out of three?  
  
T: That was six games ago. You lose! You have to do the disclaimer!  
  
SHADI: * sigh * T does not own Star wars, Lord of the rings, Yu-Gi-Oh. She's not Takahashi, Lucas or Tolkien. That would be some personality disorder!  
  
T: Why does everyone say that?  
  
Chapter Seven  
  
IN WHICH THERE IS MUCH DARK  
  
Ever since Yoda's words of wisdom, things were going considerably better. But many still felt that the peace would not last as long as hoped...  
"Hey! Who turned out the lights!" There was a lot of commotion as the houshare found themselves in the pitch-blackness. "Hey! Watch it!" "Sorry! Sheesh..."  
Soon, they found their way to the living room, where Gandalf was, as they could detect from the glow of his pipe. "I think Legolas blew a fuse with that blasted hair dryer!" Han said. "Oh, that's right, blame the elf! The elf always gets the blame!"  
"Because it's usually your fault!" "Anyways, it wasn't me, I was down here the whole time!"  
"Indeed he was." Said Gandalf. "Riddles in the dark..." He took a puff of his pipe.  
Leia pulled back the curtain, pointing to the storm outside. "Hey geniuses! It's a power failure! And could you please put that out?" She coughed, and Gandalf, muttering, snuffed it out.  
" Well, what now then?" Han asked, leaning back on the wall, which was not the wall, but Yami Bakura.  
"Watch it!" He hissed, and Han pulled away, disgusted that he had touched him, and in his hurry knocked over Yugi, who fell on Chewie, who in turn caused both Leia and Yoda to hit the floor, and dragged Bakura with them, who had grabbed onto Yami Yugi to try to stay up. Yami Yugi fell forward, knocking over Gandalf's chair. Gandalf hit the floor with a thud, and somehow managed to pull the rug out from under Legolas, who crashed down on top of Tea, who knocked over the lamp, which hit Yami Bakura, who grabbed Han as a cushion before he fell.  
Groaning and somewhat bruised, the houshare managed to untangle themselves and stood up. They agreed that they should try to find another source of light, and it was voted that Tea should make the journey down into the cellar.  
"This is so unfair." She muttered to herself. "Gandalf has a staff that can light up, he could be doing this!" Tea groped around through the dark, slipping on the damp ground several times.  
A hissing sound caught her attention, and she turned around fast, only to discover that nothing was there. "You're just imagining it." she told herself, and pressed on. But once again she heard the unnatural hissing.  
Tea whimpered, slightly afraid, but then remembering Yami's distasteful jokes, called back. "Very funny!" she felt something brush past her. "Guys?" there came no reply, but soon Yami's sneering voice floated down the stairs to her ears.  
"It's a simple mission, Tea. Don't tell me you're lost?" Again something ran by, to her left this time. " Yami? But if you're up there? Who's down here..." "It's mine..." came a low, hissing voice. "Yami! That's not funny!" "I assure you Tea, I'm not trying to frighten you. Although that would be fun." Yami Bakura said.  
"Well then if it's not you who is it?" Tea snapped, continuing on through the darkness.  
"Yami, are you frightening the poor girl?" Said Gandalf sternly. "I am not! For once I'm telling the truth."  
"My own..." Came the voice. "It's not him!" Tea whimpered. " Well, I just left Han, Chewie, Yoda, Leia, Bakura, Yugi and his Yami in the living room. Legolas!" "What?" Realizing that there was no one left, Tea's blood froze.  
"My precious..." Two glowing eyes appeared in the far corner. Tea screamed, and bolted back up the stairs, the thing at her heels.  
Shrieking, she ran straight into Gandalf. Gandalf, hearing the second set of footsteps, thrust his glowing staff down the staircase, illuminating the face of a slimy, ugly creature that was running on all fours. Yami Bakura screamed, and cowered against the kitchen counter.  
The creature, shielding its great green eyes from the light, fell backwards, hissing, down the stairs.  
"Gollum?" Gandalf said in surprise, gazing at the crumpled heap at the bottom of the stairs. "That thing has a name?" Tea said, recovering, quite amused at Yami's reaction.  
"It's mine! We wants it! You have it! The precious!" The creature Gollum babbled, clutching Gandalf's robes with its freakishly large hands and shaking him.  
"He's talking about the ring of power. It's been long since destroyed. He's gone quite mad, following any shiny object that comes his way." Gandalf explained to Tea, as they watched Gollum rifle through a cabinet, before pulling out a box of tin foil and caressing it lovingly.  
"It's mine! My own! My precious! Gollum!" He cried, turning to Yami, who blanched and backed away slowly.  
"What the hell is going on here?" Han cried, as the rest of the houseshare trooped into the kitchen, gazing in horror at the creature that was now stealing several forks and spoons.  
"Gollum, the newest member of the houseshare." Tea explained. "I'm locking that thing in the closet under the stairs!" Exclaimed Yami Bakura, still deathly pale.  
  
WITTY PHANTOM: *standing in the midst of a small art gallery* Ah, some of my most favourite works of art are in this room! Ah, Van Gogh, Rembrandt, Monet. Why, I even have a few Picassos-  
  
RAY: *pointing to a picture* who's that naked chick in the clam?  
  
WITTY PHANTOM: A very famous picture indeed. And that 'naked chick' is Venus, the roman goddess of love and romance.  
  
RAY: Okay, But I still don't get why we're here.  
  
WITTY PHANTOM: *evil grin* Well, I guess you could say some of the art in this room has given me a kind of, inspiration, shall we say, of how to introduce another member of the houseshare. *Cackles deviously*  
  
RAY: You got any paintings of-  
  
WITTY PHANTOM: *stops laughing* No beavers!  
  
/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/-*/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*- /*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-  
  
T and Shadi are now playing Blackjack. Er. Strip Blackjack o. O  
  
SHADI: * reduced to his turban and boxer shorts * Hit me.  
  
T: But you've got twenty!  
  
SHADI: Hit me.  
  
T: But-  
  
SHADI: I've got a good feeling about this next card.  
  
T: Thirty. I win! Man you bite at blackjack too! Make with the turban.  
  
SHADI: * sigh* * unwraps turban * I'm not out yet!  
  
T: Wha?! You know what'll happen if you lose!  
  
SHADI: Hit me!  
  
As the sheet of cloth flutters to the floor, it spells out the words "Read and review"  
  
SHADI: Arrgh! I lost again!  
  
T: Umm. That's okay. I'll just bask in the glory of defeating you.  
  
SHADI: No, no, you won fair and square.  
  
T: No really. MY EYES! *Runs out the door * NEXT TO COME, I WANT MY CHEEZIE POOFS! 


	8. I Want My Cheezie Poofs!

SHADI: Well, for something that began with my kidnapping, this is actually quite fun.  
  
T: *walks into the room * *walks out of the room *  
  
SHADI: Hey! *Grabs her shoulders * don't you leave me with our guest!  
  
T: Gu.Est?  
  
PEGASUS: Halloo, Shadi-boy! T. Girl?  
  
T: I LIKE TO WEAR SUITS, OKAY?  
  
SHADI: *whispering * I would not get her angry! She keeps her sanity in a jar!  
  
PEGASUS: Oh. *pause * Can I do your hair?  
  
T: Jeese. This is worse then when Shadi dropped his panties.  
  
PEGASUS: Panties? *Snickers *  
  
SHADI: They were boxers!  
  
T: Panties rhymes well. Kind of.  
  
PEGASUS: Please! Can I do your hair, T? *Skips around the room *  
  
T: Fine. Just. Don't do that!  
  
SHADI: Oh dear. * Ahem * Anyways, I'll let Pegasus do this disclaimer this time.  
  
PEGASUS: T-Boy doesn't own Star Wars, LOTR, Yu-Gi-Oh or South Park.  
  
T: Boy?  
  
SHADI: You're defiantly more masculine then him. Hey.. That's stupid! The disclaimer just blew the surprise!  
  
T: Psh.. Yeah! I mean, since I'm using the site I wouldn't own it, eh?  
  
PEGASUS: *Grabs T's hair around his fingers * what to do with this mess!  
  
T: AR! Why don't I keelhaul your ass right now!  
  
SHADI: * Holding up a sign that reads 'history lesson' * Keelhauling is a form of punishment where the Captain would string a rope across the ship, tying the rule breaker to this rope. Then, five or six men would pull on one end of the rope, pulling the rule breaker under the boat and up the side. Except, the ship's spanned wide, so they would probably drown or bleed to death from the razor sharp barnacles underneath the hull. Now, we'll cut to the fic, because this is going to get ugly. Very, very, ugly.  
  
Chapter Ten  
  
I WANT MY CHEEZIE POOFS!  
  
Gandalf sighed. Things were getting quite boring indeed. He was sitting all alone in the living room, watching a movie on discovery, if you could actually call it a movie. 'The wonders of Bull seals' it was titled, and, according to Gandalf, it was bull.  
The younger members of the houseshare were having a duel monsters tournament (Leia had also learned to play), while the Yamis, Han and Chewie were playing canasta in Han's room. He would have had Yoda's company, except he was off meditating, again. Gandalf thought this to be an excuse for constipation, as Yoda never ate any fibre.  
During a commercial, Gandalf got up and made his way to the kitchen to grab himself a soda and an extra-large-jumbo-elephant bag of cheezies. He grunted as he picked it up. The bags weren't normally this heavy! In frenzy, he opened all the drawers, only to remember that Gollum had stolen all the bottle openers.  
" Stupid creature. Stealing that part off the hair dryer, all of the spoons and now this!"  
Making his way back to the living room, he made a pit stop at the cupboard under the stairs to throw in the metal bottle top. Who needed a garbage can when they had Gollum?  
"My precious!" Gollum hissed, and Gandalf just had to laugh.  
He sat down with the bag of cheezies, and resumed watching the movie. For some odd reason, the bag kept slipping away. Finally, he stuck it behind a cushion and it stopped. His hand was halfway to the bag when he halted to listen. A chomping noise was coming from somewhere in the room. He looked around, but no one was to be seen.  
Gandalf shrugged, and stuck his hand in the bag. "YARRGH!" He bellowed, pulling out his hand and nursing the bite mark. Gandalf took up his staff and beat the bag, it rolled on the floor and emitting several loud curses. Finally, it burst open, and a small, obese boy in a toque with beady eyes rolled out.  
Gandalf stared at the kid, and the kid stared at Gandalf, saying. " My grandmother can hit better then that!" "What on earth were you doing in that bag?" The boy murmured something that he couldn't quite catch. "Pardon?"  
"I said, lick my chocolate salty balls, mother fucker!" The kid said, gesturing inappropriately.  
"Why you little-" "What're you gonna do about it, Grandpa? Gonna beat me with your cane? I want my cheezie poofs!" Gandalf sighed. "What's your name?" " Cartmen. And you, pointy hat? Hey, can you do any tricks with that thing?" "I beg your pardon?!" " Can you shove it up your-" "Gandalf! Who's that?" "Hey lady! Lick my chocolate-" Gandalf clamped a hand over Cartmen's mouth. "He appears to be another member of the houshare." "You got that right mother-" "Got quite the mouth." Leia said.  
"Yes I do lady! I can say anything I want. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck! Fuckity fuckity fuck!"  
"That's enough!"  
  
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PEGASUS: Done! //^o^\\  
  
T: Gak! *Reaches up and touches an exact replica of Pegasus' do, but blond * How'd you do that?  
  
PEGASUS: Oh, a little of this, a little of that. It'll wear out in three days.  
  
T: Three days?  
  
PEGASUS: Yes, but don't worry. I washed your hair, it was so terribly greasy.  
  
T: But. I like greasy. I get the cool little wave over my left eye!  
  
SHADI: *laughing hysterically *  
  
T: Your turn. *Devious grin *  
  
SHADI: Nooooooo! T holds Shadi down while Pegasus unwraps the turban.  
  
SHADI: READ AND REVIEW! NEXT UP, IN WHICH THERE IS THE MYSTERIOUS ARRIVAL OF A CRUSTATION! AHH! YOU GOT GEL IN MY EYES!  
  
T: Ouch!  
  
PEGASUS: Well, if you didn't squirm so much!  
  
A/N: Heya! Hiya! How are ya? Now, I hate to interrupt, but I must address this issue. I have spent one year of my life writing this fiction, between school and vacations, writer's block. All TWENTY SOMETHING CHAPTERS, on a dos computer with a blinding screen, a very tiny, blinding screen, in a program, which no longer exists. It's a dinosaur! Type type type, alt Save enter, save as text, alt exit enter, wait for it to close, 4 (which is the command to back it up) stick disk in, makes a funny sound like it's going to blow up, file copied, turn off computer, run like a chicken to the family room to pop the disk in, go to the A drive, open the file, ctrl c, ctrl v to a word document, spend ten minutes fixing it up because it's not formatted, get to the site, log in, put it up. Now, that doesn't sound like much, but when you do it for each chapter of TWENTY SOMETHING! Well.. Enough of my bitching. ^^;. Reviews would be very much appreciated; I'll thank the good people at the end of my fiction in a whole nether chapter of names. Please review, you'll shut me up and the A/N will go away forever! BLACKMAIL! HEEHEE!  
  
T, Pirate duke of Leprechauns Don't let the squirrels near your nuts and beware the colorectal surgeon. 


	9. In Which Is The Mysterious Arrival Of a ...

T: Did you find out what was doing that creepy dance?  
  
SHADI: This old man. * Holding him by the back of his shirt *  
  
MANILOW: I'm not old! I'm distinguished!  
  
T: Barry Manilow?!  
  
MANILOW: Oh, hello. A fan? * Grins *  
  
T: * in that creepy voice Wednesday has * I like one of your songs. I don't like you.  
  
MANILOW: Ouch! Tough ship. What about you sir?  
  
SHADI: Barry Who?  
  
MANILOW: I'm Barry Manilow. I'm a singer slash songwriter.  
  
SHADI: Oh, the guy with the really deep voice! *Imitates * Hey baby!  
  
MANILOW: *sigh * That's Barry White.  
  
T: Would you care to do the honours of the disclaimer, Barry?  
  
MANILOW: * creepy happy grin* Why, certainly!  
  
SHADI: *snicker * Honour! Good one! * High fives T *  
  
MANILOW: This Pirate-  
  
T: T, Pirate Duke of Leprechauns.  
  
MANILOW: T, Pirate Duke of Leprechauns, does not own Star Wars, Yu-Gi-Oh, LOTR or South Park. Nor does she own Fed Ex.  
  
SHADI: Well done. That's your job from now on.  
  
MANILOW: That wasn't so bad.  
  
T: When you say it, oh, eight times.  
  
SHADI: Nine.  
  
T: *pinching his cheek * my little abacus!  
  
SHADI: Someone needs a hug!  
  
T: No! Nobody hugs T, Pirate Duke of- * glomped by Shadi * Yar. Leprechauns.  
  
MANILOW: Where?! *Screams and jumps on a chair *  
  
Shadi and T are, literally, rolling on the floor laughing. Chapter Nine  
  
IN WHICH IS THE MYSTERIOUS ARRIVAL OF A CRUSTATION  
  
Since the arrival of Cartmen, things took a serious dive from bad to worse. He had set up a hammock in the kitchen, and did almost nothing else but eat, and used his fair share of four letter words, to the displeasure of Gandalf and Yoda.  
Gollum had gotten much worse with his quest for all things shiny, and had thumbtacks in every room, thus everyone who went into these rooms (the worst spot was around the closet) would end up with a few more holes in their feet.  
Legolas was looking very much like a wet cat without the use of his hair dryer, and tried to get the missing part back from Gollum. His latest strategy was to run up and down the stairs, to flush him out.  
So, there Legolas was, running up and down like a madman, his feet thumping on the stairs. Although, his plan annoyed more then Gollum.  
Screams of rage came from under the stairs, and Gandalf, who was trying to nap on the couch, added to this with several loud grunts. Cartmen also added to the din, with phrases like "Fuck, look at the old poof go!"  
Yoda, who had been trying to get down the stairs, decided to go down on the banister, but being no spring chicken, he slipped, and just barely hung on with his cane, yelling for help.  
Yugi, who was trying to help him, also managed to get stuck hanging from the banister. Yami Yugi, who had just realized that Yami Bakura had dressed him up like a drag queen while he slept, was chasing him around the first floor. Bakura was running around like a madman, after using some of Han's cream, only realizing afterwards that somebody had added itching powder to it. Han was blasting his rock music from upstairs, so loud that pictures on the walls shook. Chewie was growling in frustration as he kept missing the chance to catch Legolas and stop him from running. It was quite funny to watch. Legolas ran up, Chewie stretched out his arms, but then Legolas would be back down again, leaving Chewie to roar. Tea was spraying water at them with the hose from the kitchen sink, which didn't work, and ear shattering, incoherent screams were heard from Leia, who was in the shower, as the water went from hot to cold.  
The din was so loud that none almost heard the doorbell.  
Gandalf, who was very much annoyed, strode over to the door and yanked it open so hard that the glass panes rattled.  
Standing there was a Fed Ex guy, with greasy black hair and a moustache. A cigar hung from the corner of his mouth.  
"Package for yah-" he said, trailing off, staring at the sight before him.  
Legolas stood frozen halfway down the stairs, a sheepish grin on his face. Yoda and Yugi were still hanging from the banister, swaying slowly. Tea was standing there grinning like an idiot, still holding the hose from which a small trickle of water was flowing. Bakura had stopped mid roll on the floor, and Yami Yugi was standing there in his sequined cocktail dress, hands around Yami Bakura's neck. Cartmen was perfectly visible from the kitchen, laughing so hard that he fell off the counter. Han's music still blared, and Leia, wrapped in a towel, soaking wet and covered in soap suds, now stood beside Chewie at the top of the stairs. Screaming was still heard from under the stairs, as Gollum, clutching the missing piece of the hair dryer, bolted out from the closet. Legolas jumped over the side, and proceeded to chase him around, tripping over the rug as he went.  
The ash from the man's cigar fell noiselessly to the floor. He cleared his throat. "Sign here." he said, handing the clipboard to Gandalf and looking nervously around. Gandalf squiggled a signature, and the man wheeled in a very large box.  
He stared a couple more seconds, before turning and murmuring something about the rich and their eccentric ways.  
Bakura, forgetting all about the powder, walked over to the box. They all crowded around.  
"What's that?" asked Han, coming down the stairs. "That's a nice look for you." He added, stifling a laugh. Yami yugi scowled at him. "Only one way to find out." Said Gandalf, opening the box. The cardboard fell away to reveal a humongous, pink...  
"Clam?!" Tea cried in disbelief. "Uhh... guys..." called Yugi worriedly from the banister. "It's moving!" Indeed, the clam was shifting. Slowly, it opened its mouth, and they could plainly see a figure inside. The light fell onto the figure of an elf, with a stern face and long brown hair. His hair was covering his 'naughty bits', and from the kitchen came a cry of...  
"Holy crap! It's a naked dude in a clam!" The elf's face turned red, and the others looked away. He pulled robes out from the back of the clam (which would not let go) and put them on hurriedly before stepping out just as the clam snapped shut.  
"Elrond?" said Gandalf, stifling a laugh. Elrond fixed his headband before kicking the clam, which quickly opened and grabbed the hem of his robes.  
"Gandalf." he replied, nodding his head, and proceeded to try and pull his robes free. "I received a message quite a while ago inside this clam. But when I stepped in to retrieve it, it snapped shut. I'm lucky to be alive." there was a ripping noise, and Elrond fell backwards, and the clam gave a loud burp.  
Elrond cursed in elvish as Yugi and Yoda, who had been still clinging to the banister, fell on him. He looked around, first at the two on top of him, then at the others, his eyes stopping on Yami Yugi, who was still wearing the cocktail dress.  
"I'm not in Imaldris anymore." He said, standing up and brushing himself off. " Hey! Clammy!" Elrond turned to Cartmen, scowling. " Lick my chocolate salty balls!" Elrond said nothing, just cleared his throat and crossed his arms, glaring. " Hey I like that dress. Where'd you buy it, grandpa." " These are robes." Elrond said, motioning to his clothing, with a somewhat cool tone.  
"Sure they are. And you can lick my chocolate salty balls!"  
"No indeed it is hardly possible that you should be questioning my attire when that man over there is wearing something similar to what my daughter owns."  
Cartmen said nothing, and blinked a couple of times before proclaiming, "It's still a dress, and I don't even want to know what the fuck you do with your daughter."  
Elrond clenched his fists, before leaning in very close to Cartmen and saying in a threatening tone "How about I show you some elvish tricks that haven't been used since the first age?" Cartmen blinked. "Are you, hitting on me? 'Cause if you are..." Elrond lunged at Cartmen, but was held back by Gandalf. "That's quite enough. Elrond, why don't I show you your accommodations."  
  
It was very peaceful and quiet in the mansion, but being three in the morning, that was no surprise...  
Elrond tossed and turned. The couch was defiantly not as comfortable as his bed at home, and it didn't help that that annoying child Cartmen was in the next room, or so he thought.  
Elrond could feel hot breath on his face, breath that smelt of cheese. " Hey Clammy!" Cartmen called, dumping a bucket of ice-cold water over Elrond, soaking him to the bone. He cursed in elvish, lashing out at Cartmen, who, despite his large bulk, had managed to run off.  
Elrond, looking very much like an enraged, wet Persian who has just eaten a lemon, chased him all the way around the first floor with the aid of his keen eyes.  
But Cartmen was faster. He had another surprise in store. Elrond, half running half tripping over his robes, did not expect to have the carpet pulled out from under him, nor to go flying headlong into the grandfather clock.  
He lay, dazed and crumpled at the foot of the great clock. But, he was very hardheaded, and managed to knock loose some of the mechanisms inside, so that it began chiming and did not stop.  
Cartmen, cackling and yelling insults, did not see Tea coming, and ran into her. Not expecting anyone else to be awake, she screamed, causing Gollum to scream, and emerge running from under the closet. Legolas, who had been lying in wait, ran in, and snatched the missing piece of the hair dryer. Gollum, who saw this from the living room, ran around like a madman screaming until he tripped over Elrond and landed on top of him. Incoherent elvish cries and Gollum's endless screeching awoke Han, Chewie and Yami Yugi, who bolted down the stairs. Expecting Gollum to be in his closet, they rushed in, where Cartmen was waiting to lock them in.  
Their hammering on the door sounded very much like the drums in the mines of Moria to Gandalf, who had been having a nightmare about the Balrog. Very scared and confused, he ran into the cellar, where Tea, very disoriented, had ended up. They walked into each other, and after yells of fear, both dropped in a faint.  
Yugi and Bakura, hearing all this and remembering the show they had seen, deduced that they must have been under attack. They armed themselves with plungers from the linen closet. But, running down the stairs, they tripped, plungers sticking to the banister, and by some fluke, threw them onto the chandelier. But this was of the sort that can be raised or lowered, thus steadily it creaked down under they weight, and they dared not move for fear of the entire thing crashing down.  
Yami Bakura, anxious to get in on all the fun, became disoriented and somehow managed to lock himself in the shower stall. Yoda, just barely conscious, strayed into the bathroom to see what was going on, and instead of turning on the lights, turned on the shower, which Yami was not expecting. He yelled, starling Yoda, who ran out and knocked into Leia, who screamed very loudly, and accidentally locked herself in the linen closet. Yoda, very inchoate, got rolled up in the carpet, and went barrelling down the stairs, bowling over Legolas who had heard the screams from upstairs.  
Gollum, who was still running around screeching, bumped into Cartmen, who was making jiffy pop. Cartmen, startled by Gollum, ran out of the room. Gollum took shelter in one of the cabinets under the sink from the kernels of popcorn, and refused to come out.  
Cartmen, by this time, was making his third lap around the first floor, became confused and slightly afraid of all the screaming coming from under the kitchen sink, the yelling, water running, and also from the figures dangling form the chandelier and at the bottom of the stairs. Thus, very afraid, he curled up beside Elrond, who, miraculously (perhaps with the aid of the tap on the head) had managed to fall back asleep, and waited for morning.  
  
/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*- /*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-  
  
MANILOW: *arm around each of Shadi and T's shoulders * I like it here.  
  
T: Must.resist.temptation.to. heave-to. Yar.  
  
SHADI: * holding a sign that reads 'History lesson' * Heave-to was another form of punishment, where two sailors would pick up the captive and throw him overboard. *Pause * that sounds like fun!  
  
MANILOW: *being picked up * Guys? What're you doing? Okay, ha ha.. You're had your fun, c'mon! Guys?  
  
T: Heave. Ho!  
  
Manilow flies over the side of the ship.  
  
MANILOW: Read and revieeeeeew! * Tumultuous splash *  
  
The sea foam splashes up on deck, spelling out the words " In Which there is a nasty Clog" 


	10. In Which There Is a Nasty Clog

MANILOW: *spitting a starfish out of his mouth * I feel refreshed!  
  
T: Dear god! Is there any way to make him stop smiling?!  
  
SHADI: He's some form of evil..Happy..Demon!  
  
MANILOW: It's because I can't smile, without you! Everyone!  
  
Crickets can be heard in the background.  
  
T: I think he scrambled his brain when he walked into that wall.  
  
SHADI: *nods *  
  
MANILOW: No, but I needed reconstructive surgery on my nose. It hurt.  
  
T: Disclaimer time!  
  
MANILOW: T does not own Star Wars, LOTR, South Park, Yu-Gi-Oh.. And the list is only going to get longer, people! You're right, this is annoying. *Pause * Can I sing now?  
  
T: Do Copacabana!  
  
MANILOW: Oh, that's so depressing. How about Made it through the rain?  
  
T: Copacabana! Or would you like to be sent to Davy Jones for more then a dip?  
  
MANILOW: Who is this Davy Jones? He sounds like a good guy.. But sure, I'll do Copacabanna.  
  
T: Yay! *Shadi grabs her to dance * Damn!  
  
MANILOW: Her name was Lola; she was a showgirl, with yellow feathers in her hair and a dress cut down to there! She could meringue, and do the cha-cha, but while she tried to be a star Tony always tended bar! Across the crowded floor, he worked from eight till four. But they were young and they had each other, who could ask for more! Down at the Copa, Copacabanna, the hottest spot north of Havana.  
  
Chapter Ten  
  
IN WHICH THERE IS A NASTY CLOG  
  
The house was a veritable mess. Legolas, who was probably the least hurt (besides Cartmen) was the first to regain consciousness. He helped Yoda unfurl himself from the rug, and, laughing at Yugi and Bakura's stupidity, lowered the chandelier. Yugi let his Yami, Han and Chewie out from the closet. They went upstairs, and unlocked Leia, and helped dripping Yami from being drowned. Tea and Gandalf, regained consciousness, and, feeling very stupid, trooped upstairs and let a still screaming Gollum out of the cupboard.  
Elrond, who had woken up with Cartmen clinging to him, scowled and shoved him aside, before staggering up to find some aspirin. Afterwards, the houshare met in the living room, to try and figure out how all of that had happened.  
"So let me get this straight." Han said, head in hands. "Cartmen, you dumped water on Elrond, who chased you and ran into the clock. Next, you bumped into Tea, who screamed, waking up Gollum, who ran out of the closet. Legolas, you ran in to get the hair dryer piece, but Gollum saw you and ran, tripping over you, Elrond, who yelled, waking us up." He said, motioning to Chewie, himself and Yami Yugi.  
" Cartmen, you locked us in. We pounded on the door, waking up Gandalf who ran into the cellar and into Tea, and both passed out. Yugi and Bakura, you heard this, somehow managing to pole-vault yourselves onto the chandelier. Yami, you wanted to get in on it, and being the idiot that you are, got locked in the shower where Yoda turned the water on. You screamed like a girl, and Yoda, you ran from the bathroom, into Leia, who locked herself in the closet. You got wrapped up in the carpet, rolled down the stairs, knocking over Legolas. Gollum, you started screaming, scared Cartmen and locked yourself in the cupboard, and Cartmen ended up with Elrond. Now.." Said Han, catching his breath after the long explanation. "Why did you dump water on him?"  
Cartmen shrugged. The rest of the Houshare, who all had bags under their eyes, groaned.  
"Let's just have breakfast and forget about it." Leia said, and the rest of the Houshare trooped upstairs to change.  
Unfortunately for Leia, it was her turn to make breakfast. She shoved Cartmen aside, threatening to put him in the freezer, and he backed away, cursing.  
Needing water to make the coffee, she turned on the tap, but no water emerged. "Great. Just Great." She muttered, whacking the faucet and trying again. Frustrated, she yanked open the cupboard doors and stared at the pipes, which bulged abnormally.  
A long, low gurgling noise sounded, and brown slime oozed up slowly from the drain. Leia backed away, confused. She bumped into Cartmen, who was gorging himself on the eggs she had just finished making. "Hey!" she called, slapping his hand. "Have you been screwing with the drain?"  
He laughed. "Sick!" She muttered. "No, I haven't been fucking with the drain. Maybe it was pointy hat." He replied, still refusing to use Gandalf's real name.  
"Gandalf!" Leia called. "He's in the shower!" Yugi replied. "Okay!" She turned back to Cartmen, eyeing him suspiciously. "It wasn't me!" he called, as if reading her mind.  
"No matter. It has to come out." She said, banging and clanking at the pipes. She had them all unscrewed in a flash, but they were still held together by the same, oozing slime. She poked at it, and it seemed to quiver like jell-o. She punched, beat and pulled at it, but it always seemed to spring back. Leia had been at it for about an hour, and the rest of the houshare had seemed to forget about breakfast anyway, and were all upstairs, asleep. Except for Elrond, who had been quite absorbed in a book, but was disturbed by the clamour from the kitchen.  
"What's this?" He asked, startling Leia, who stood up too fast, hitting her head on the cabinet. She swore and rubbed her head, and Cartmen laughed.  
"My offer for the freezer still stands!" She shrieked, grabbing the obese boy and shoving him in, slamming the door. Incoherent screams were heard, and Elrond smiled. "A very clever idea." she smiled back. "Thanks." His eyes widened at the sight of the slime. "What-" "I have no idea." She said, wincing from the pain. "I've had no luck with it, maybe you could give it a try."  
So Elrond rolled up his sleeves, and tried for close to two hours to unclog the sink. Leia had retired to her room, and he was left to curse, and was up to his elbows in slime. But the clog would not budge.  
Hours later, every member of the houshare had tried to unclog the sink, and soon it was Elrond's second try. Gandalf's would have been longer, but now he was chasing Cartmen, who had miraculously escaped the freezer, because of his comment about his 'hocus pocus'.  
"I'll show you where the rabbit comes out!" They heard Gandalf yell from the next room.  
"Will you be quiet so I can think! Honestly, there's no strength left in the world of men!" Elrond cried, kicking the pipe in rage.  
None knew how, but that kick had managed to do it. The blob flew from the drain, bowling over Elrond, who swore in elvish and stared in wonder at the slime with eyes before him.  
"Jabba the Hut!" Han said, backing away. The blob frowned at him, and gurgled something. "I swear, the check is in the mail!" Jabba gurgled something else. "We're going to be waiting a while." Han mumbled under his breath. Jabba gazed at Leia and opened his mouth.  
"Don't even think about it!" She snapped. Jabba turned to Elrond, and gave a series of incoherent gurgles.  
"You're welcome." Elrond replied, to everyone's surprise. " You can understand that?"  
"That Moron Isildur spoke the same when he was drunk."  
  
/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*- /*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/* MANILOW: . Now it's a disco, not thirty years ago, when they used to have a show. She sits there so refined, drinking her scotch and lime, faded feathers in her hair, in that dress she used to wear. She lost her youth and her Tony, now she's lost her mind! Down at the Copa, Copacabanna! The hottest spot north of Havana!  
  
Manilow tugs on the mike cord, spelling "In which Martha Stewart raises some hell."  
  
MANILOW: Well, that was fun! *Smiles * Thanks for having me!  
  
T: *trying to pry Shadi, who is still dancing, off * don't mention it. Can you tell them to read and review?  
  
MANILOW: Read and review, people! And don't fall in love; you might just end up like Lola.  
  
T: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! 


	11. In Which Martha Stewart Raises Some Hell

KAIBA: I've got a bone to pick with you, T!

Shadi stills dances, doing the 'spank it' move, made famous by Foxxy in Goldmember. Kaiba simply stares.

T: Really? What?

KAIBA: Why aren't I in this fic?

SHADI: *still dancing * Do you really want to be in this fic, Kaiba? Stuck in that house with very strange people. It gets crazier still. I'd prefer it here, even though the disclaimers suck.

T: Yes. *Tents fingers evilly * don't do that!

SHADI: * belly dancing * Do what? This?

T: It's distracting. *Mesmerized* doesn't that hurt?

Minutes pass. Kaiba tapping his foot impatiently, Shadi Belly dancing and T watching.

KAIBA: Hello!

T: Huh? What! Hello.

KAIBA: Even so, I resent the fact you didn't put me in here.

SHADI: Well, then, you can do the disclaimer.

KAIBA: Oh, no! *Points * you just don't want to do it yourself! I can sue you for not putting me in here! I can crush you with the entire weight of the Kaiba Corporation!

Huge fat guys in business suits jump out of Kaiba's briefcase.

T: * belly dancing with Shadi * Ha! See! You don't even want to do the disclaimer, you don't have the commitment!

FAT GUY ONE: *reading papers * She's right. It's in the contract.

FAT GUY TWO: There's nothing we can do, sir. But the fan girls will still love you, though.

KAIBA: Excellent.

T: * belly dancing with Shadi * Elementary, my dear Watson!

WATSON: * eating a doughnut * what?

KAIBA: Where'd you get that? How'd you get here?

WATSON: Dingy. *Points* Windowsill. *Points *

OLD CRONE: *waving a rolling pin * YAAARGH! OH HO HO! HIIII!

T: * belly dancing with Shadi * If you want the disclaimer, do it now!

KAIBA: T doesn't own Yu-Gi-Oh, Star Wars, South Park or LOTR, and defiantly not Martha Stewart. It's okay boys; you don't have to crush them. *Fat guys retreat into briefcase *

OLD CRONE: * leaps in motor boat brandishing pin * Give me back that crawler you… you… Rowing fat man!

WATSON: *rowing madly into the sunset*

Chapter Eleven

IN WHICH MARTHA STEWART RAISES SOME HELL

Once again, the house was a mess and tension was high. Yami Bakura and Cartmen had become friends, to the surprise of many. This was not a good thing, as they spent their days bugging the others.

Jabba was staying in the cellar, and rarely emerged, which was fine, because Gollum was afeared of him (and anything else with the same jelly-like structure) and would run screaming until he would pass out from lack of air.

At the moment, things were far from orderly. Gandalf was lying in his rocking chair, still smoking in his sleep. Yoda was having a conversation with Elrond, and Han with Chewie. Cartmen was eating and swearing at the same time at the rest of the houseshare, who were watching something on discovery. Yami was fiddling with the switches in the cellar, trying to shut the hot water off on Yami Yugi, who was in the shower. But a girlish scream told them that Jabba had found him first.

The doorbell rang, unexpectedly. Gandalf, just waking up, screamed "Balrog!" and cowered in fear behind the couch, to Cartmen's amusement. Tea wandered over to the door, opening it. A blond woman with a very strange smile, who was holding a plate of some unidentified food, greeted her.

"Hello." "Hello! I'm Martha Stewart! I heard you would all be staying here awhile. I'm the Phantom's neighbour. Cute little thing, he is, and that's a good thing! Can I come in?" Tea, not bothering to ask her why she was three weeks late to welcome them, smiled warmly and invited her in.

Martha Stewart introduced herself to everyone, and noticing the condition of the house, proclaimed.

" All things neat and tidy! This house could use a spring cleaning, and that's a good thing!" She said, smiling, bending down to pick something up.

"Oh, we couldn't ask you to-" Leia began, but she was cut off. The houseshare gazed in astonishment at the blond tornado shot around the room, leaving a trail of cleanliness behind. It zipped up the stairs and back down again, the entire thing lasting nine seconds.

"What the fuck?" Cartmen cried, and for once the others had to agree.

Yami Bakura emerged from the kitchen, munching on one of the strange cookies brought by Martha. "Divine!" He said, popping another into his mouth.

He grotesque smile grew broader. " Thank you! And that's a good thing!" "What are they?" Yami asked, nibbling on a third, pulling about ten more out of his pockets.

"Nine alarm chilli snaps." "Nine...Alarm?" Yugi asked worriedly, as he had just bitten into his second, given to him by Yami. "Yes. My own recipie. Nine alarm because I put in nine times the chilli powder recommended in the initial recipe. And that's a good thing."

Sweat dripped from Yami's brow, and Yugi's face grew red. Yami cursed loudly in Egyptian, putting his hand over his mouth, from which everyone had expected to see flames shooting. Yugi whimpered, and bolted up from his seat on the couch. Both dashed madly to the kitchen, leaving the others to stare. "Oh dear, I hope that wasn't too spicy! And that's a good thing!"

Elrond's grip on the chair arms tightened, and an angry expression crossed his face before he managed to calm himself. She was obviously getting on his nerves, the others could tell.

Yami Yugi poured shampoo into his palm and scrubbed his scalp. He had been waiting a long time to shower, but hadn't, due to Legolas' long and frequent showers, and Yami was up to his old tricks again. He wondered why the temperature had changed earlier, and what was that mad running downstairs?

He heard the door creak, and peeked around the edge of the curtain. The door was open slightly, but not enough so that he worried. He resumed washing his hair, but once again the door creaked, and a scuffling noise was heard.

He looked around, scowling. Defiantly Yami. He checked to see that his clothes were still there, and they were. That was his usual joke, stealing someone's clothes when they were in the shower, and making sure there were no towels either.

He rinsed, and although the water was in his eyes, he could just barely see the silhouette of a person through the curtain...

Yami yelled, and wrapped the curtain around him, staring at the strange woman standing in the middle of the bathroom. She grinned, and Yami's face turned red, both from embarrassment and anger at the woman for being there.

Yami cleared his throat. "The bathroom's in use right now, but if you could wait miss-" "Martha. Martha Stewart. And that's a good thing!" She said, gazing at him with a strange air.

"-Martha. If you could step out, I'll be out in a minute." " I need to step out?" She said, winking.

" So I can get out of..." He trailed off as she took a step closer. " No no... Continue your shower. I like to watch, and that's good thing."

Han peeked around the doorframe. "Yami, it's customary to turn off the shower if you're done- what the hell?" He cried, staring at Martha and then at Yami. "Help!" Yami hissed through his fake smile.

Han, still bewildered, directed Martha out of the bathroom, closing the door behind them.

"I'm telling you, she's not average!" Leia hissed to Tea, as both girls sat in the kitchen, drinking tea. Yami Bakura and Yugi were still there, downing glasses of water as fast as someone could say 'millennium'.

"Oh, come on. She's just.. Eccentric." Leia stared blankly at her. "The woman made cookies with nine times the normal amount of chilli! She snuck up on Yami in the shower! And that's a good thing? No, It's not!"

"Yami! You're good with knots?" Gandalf said in a haggard manner, and as he stepped into the kitchen. The girls gasped. "What happened?" Tea asked, staring in horror at his hair, which was sticking out in all directions, curled, braided and an all around mess.

"Martha gave me a new do. How about it, Yami?" "Busy." Yami managed to articulate, gasping for air and drinking another glass of water.

"She's got to go!" Leia told Tea. "But I'd feel bad about it. She seems to be enjoying it here."

"I'll hold the glass for you." Gandalf sighed, and Yami nodded.

"At our expense!" A yelp was heard form Gandalf.

"Leia, come on. She's only been here an hour. Let her stay a while longer." "Watch it!" "And how long do you intend to put up with her?" "Hold still!" "At least another hour?" "YAAARGH!" "Alright. But if she does anything else, it's your fault." "Oh, come now." "Pull my beard why don't you!" Tea smiled, but it faded when Gandalf cursed loudly.

"Could you be more gentle?" "They're in tight! Do you want help or not?" Leia sighed. "It's going to be a long hour."

In another part of the house, Elrond wasn't having very much luck either. He couldn't find the book he was reading, and it was at a good part too!

"What are you looking for?" "My book. It was right here." "Oh, I'm sorry! I put it away. And that's a good thing." Elrond could contain his anger no longer.

"Look, I don't mind you moving things about, but please! Stop saying that!"

"Saying what? And that's a good thing!" Elrond growled.

"There! You said it again!" "No, I didn't! And that's a good thing!" Elrond roared and pulled at his hair.

"And that's a good thing! Please stop saying 'and that's a good thing!'"

"You have a real problem with anger. You know what helps me when I'm feeling annoyed? A nice cup of Jasmine tea. And that's a good thing!" Elrond gave an exasperated sigh, and turned to leave. "Never mind... just.. Never mind.."

"No, wait! The tea! And that's a good thing."

"Stop it! Stop it!" He cried, picking up his pace. "Wait!" She cried, following him. Elrond cursed to himself and ran, Martha at his heels.

Yami Yugi sat outside. Hopefully she wouldn't find him there. He stretched out on the lawn, listening to the birds, and the veritable commotion coming from inside.

Gandalf was yelling and screaming, in some kind of pain, he guessed. The water hadn't stopped running, and the sounds of a chase were present. He could hear Elrond's curses in his strange tongue, but what happened next surprised him.

He pulled the pie tin from his face, just as another came crashing down on him. He wiped the blueberry filling from his eyes. Elrond, who had just jumped out of the window, landed beside him with a thump.

"What is going on?" Yami roared. "I can't take it anymore!" Elrond cried, pulling his hair. "The way she speaks and acts! Just now she was chasing me around the house with tea and pie!" He became aware of the lump of desert on Yami head and gasped. "I'm so sorry! I should have stopped running. Maybe then she wouldn't have thrown them..." "They came from the second floor?" Yami asked in a cadaverous manner. "Yes. But what became of the tea?"

Cold milk drenched Yami. "There's the cream." Elrond stated, coughing as white powder covered him like snow."and the sugar." Hot liquid doused Yami. " The tea." he said weakly, as the pot bounced off his head.

A soft ringing noise was heard, and Martha walked into the kitchen, cell phone in hand.

"Really? No! Okay." She sighed. Obviously the news wasn't good. " Alright. Chow, and that's a good thing."

"What's going on?" Tea asked, turning around. "Apparently the painters have decided to do their work today, and that's a good thing, but I haven't got a place to stay."

Leia read Tea's mind. "No!" she mouthed, frantically waving her arms. Ignoring Leia, Tea continued.

"You could spend the night with us." Her eyes brightened. "Really? Thanks! And that's a good thing!"

Leia spat her tea halfway across the room, as Martha danced out of the kitchen.

"What... Did...You... do?" She said, pronouncing each word separately, teeth clenched.

Tea smiled quietly to herself. How bad could it be? Martha'd only be with them for another fifteen hours, about.

"Yami! Open the door!" Yami Bakura cried, frantically pounding on the door. " Be out in ten minutes!"

"That's what he said last time!" Yugi whimpered, dancing around in a little circle.

The pair had been drinking water all day to try to douse their flaming taste buds, and now they seriously had to-

"C'mon! I need to take a leak!" "I said, I'll be out in a minute!" Yami replied in a frustrated tone. "I'm tired of this." Yami said coldly, and produced a lock pick from his jeans pocket.

He proceeded to open the lock, opening the door inch by inch, until it was wide enough to go through.

"Go!" he hissed to Yugi, shoving him in. "But-" "look, the water's running, he'll never know! Just don't flush."

Yugi opened his mouth to protest once more, but a glare form Yami told him he shouldn't.

Gandalf hummed to himself as he opened the cupboard under the sink. He was going to make soup!

He reached in for a pot, and was handed one. "Thanks." He said, closing the door and placing it on the stove. He paused, looking down at the cupboard, a confused expression on his face.

"Elrond?" He said, very amused, staring at the elf that was crouched in the tiny space, an idiotic grin on his face.

"What-" "Ssh! I'm hiding from that evil woman!" he hissed.

"Gandalf?" Gandalf slammed the door shut, and stood in front of it.

"Hello Martha." He said cheerfully. "Here, since I'm going to be staying, the least I could do is make dinner. And that's a good thing."

A low, angry moan was heard from inside the cupboard. Gandalf kicked it, smiling. " That's very kind of you."

"Don't mention it. Where do you keep the pots and pans? Can't cook without those! And that's a good thing!"

"Here, let me get them for you." Gandalf said, trying to make sure his friend wasn't found.

"Oh, no, don't trouble yourself." She said with a laugh, reaching down to the cupboard. It flew open, and she drew her hand back just in time as a blur of orange velvet shot past, leaving a pot spinning in circles on the floor.

" The tea!" she called after it, sighing to herself.

Yugi stepped out of the bathroom. "Your turn." he whispered to Yami Bakura, who stepped in.

Smiling at his cleverness, he did his thing, and zipped up. The zipper was louder then he had expected, and Yami looked around the shower curtain.

"YAMI!" He bellowed, at the tomb robber who stood with his back to him. Yami turned around.

"If you must know, I've been drinking water all day to wash away the spiciness of Martha's horrible cookies!" He snapped.

" Oh. I'm sorry Yami. I thought you were-" "Playing a trick? Not his time." " I apologize. I won't look. Do whatever you have to and get out. Just don't turn the water on."

Yami pulled the curtain shut. Yami Bakura waited a few minutes. "Don't turn the water on..." He repeated with an air of malfeasance. "He didn't say anything about flushing."Yami, grinning evilly, carefully pushed the handle down, dashing madly out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

"YAMMMMMIIIII!"

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SHADI: *still dancing * Martha Stewart's weird.

T: * belly dancing with Shadi * She's three bearded ladies short of a freak show.

KAIBA: Said the pair who has been belling dancing for a half hour.

T: * belly dancing with Shadi * Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me.

KAIBA: o. O;

SHADI: ~.^

T: * belly dancing with Shadi * Dudes, it was a joke.

KAIBA: *smirk * I think Shadi's disappointed.

T: O.O

SHADI: Kaiba!

T:….

SHADI: Not true!

KAIBA: Don't deny it.

T: *To Shadi* I'm starting to worry about you.. First the Blackjack thing… *shrugs * But what're ya gonna do? * Belly dancing with Shadi *

SHADI: *Belly dancing * Get on with it, Perv Boy!

KAIBA: Oh, isn't that rich!

T: * belly dancing with Shadi * Yes you are.

KAIBA: Next up, The Council Of Elrond, and don't forget to read and review… Who wants these freaks to stop this…excellent array of intelligence? Not me. That's why you should read and review! Keep it going!

T: * belly dancing with Shadi * Nice comeback.


	12. The Council of Elrond

T: So, now we've decided to bring in another artist. Meet Chirs De Burgh!

CHRIS: Hello. It's interesting here, to say the least.

SHADI: Thank you. Now what's this about a train?

T: I was going to ask you to do our disclaimer, and then sing Spanish Train.

CHRIS: Sure thing! T does not own Star Wars, Yu-Gi-Oh, the Martha Stewart Network, LOTR, and South Park… Wow. You really have to say all of this?

T: Yes. And lastly, we don't own Chris De Burgh.

CHRIS: O.o;

SHADI: There are some very stupid people that might think we do.

T: Yeah. Did you know that they have warnings on hair dryers "Do not use in shower"?

SHADI: What has this world come to.

T: There's your doom. Next they'll put a label on pretzels, "May cause choking" What idiot chokes on a pretzel?

All look around nervously.

T: What idiot other then the- No, that's not-

CHRIS: *putting his hand over her mouth * you'll just dig yourself in more. She didn't mean it folks!

SHADI: And now for Spanish Train!

CHRIS: A Spanish man lay dying, with his people by his side. His family were crying, with him before he died. But waiting for the dead was the devil with a twinkle in his eye. " Well god's not around, and look what've I've found! This one's mine!" Just then the lord himself appeared, in a blinding flash of light. Calling to the devil. "Get thee hence to endless night!" the devil just grinned and said, "well I may have sinned but that's no need to push me around. I found him first so you can do your worst, he's going underground! But… I'll give you one last chance." Said the devil with a smile. "Throw away that stupid lance, it's really…not your style. Joker is the name, poker is the game. We'll play right here on his bed! And then we'll play for the bigger stakes yet! The souls of the dead!"….

SHADI: Morbid.

T: But good.

Chapter Twelve

THE COUNCIL OF ELROND

"There is no other way! It must be sent back to the fiery chasm from whence it came!"

Most of the houseshare was gathered in Han's room, sitting in a circle, Elrond in a computer chair in front of all.

Legolas timidly raised his hand. " Are we talking about the ring, or about Martha?" Elrond sighed. "Martha!" the rest chorused.

"Is that really fair though? Saying she came from hell?" everyone stared at Tea. "I'm just saying, we're not acting like friend-" The rest groaned and rolled their eyes. Not another 'friendship' speech!

"She's right!" Cartmen cried. "That's would be unfair to the devil. She'd probably burn pot-pourri or paint the walls a fucking pink!"

Yami Bakura snickered. "I say we through this 'it' back into the fiery chasm." Yami Yugi said coldly.

"Oh, come now. You aren't still sore about the shower incident, are you? Technically, I did what you asked. I didn't turn on the water."

"Flushing counts! You weren't supposed to do that either!" Yami Bakura smiled. "Fine. As you wish."

"No, Yami! Don't tell him that! He'll leave something gross!" Leia cried.

"I'm telling you, I have no idea how the dead squirrel got in there!"

"People!" Elrond called. "It must be destroyed."

"Look, why are we even talking about this? She'll be gone tomorrow morning. Just deal with it." Tea sighed.

The others grumbled, but had to accept it.

"Dinner! And that's a good thing!" Martha called up the stairs. "Be nice." Tea hissed, as they trooped to the dining room.

"Well, I say, that was delicious, Martha." Gandalf said, wiping the corners of his mouth with a napkin. The others were also relived. There wasn't anything with chilli powder...

"Here's dessert! And that's a good thing!" Martha called, smiling, holding up a covered platter.

It was like slow motion. She carefully lifted up the lid...

Gollum stared at the wiggly mass of red before him, eyes wide in terror. He opened his mouth wide and gave an ear-shattering scream.

The rest of the houseshare covered their ears in an attempt not to become deaf, but it didn't help much. Gollum bolted up from the table, taking the tablecloth with him.

The dishes crashed to the floor, and in people's laps. Drinks spilled onto the carpet, and the jello flew across the room as the table collapsed, and landed right on top of Gollum.

"It burnses! It burnses!" He shrieked, obviously exaggerating. Everyone tried to get out of the room, but tripped over each other instead. "Food fight!" Yami Bakura yelled, whipping mashed potatoes at Tea.

"You're dead!" She hollered, as it hit her square in the back of the head. She picked up a chunk of meatloaf and chucked it in his direction. Yami Bakura ducked, and it hit Yami Yugi in the face. Annoyed, he hurled a handful of corn, which showered Han.

"Honestly Pharaoh. You had millennia to improve your aim." Yami Bakura snickered, but he was nailed in the face two consecutive times as both Han and Yami Got their revenge. "C'mon Legolas!" Leia called, shrieking as gravy splattered on her dress. By now even Martha had joined in, and Gollum, who had stopped screaming, was throwing bits of jello.

"It mess up my hair!" He whined, as Yugi snuck up on him with a glass of cream soda, dousing him.

"You little brat!" he shouted, joining in the fray.

By now it was close to midnight, and, after washing up and cleaning the dining room, the houshare trooped off to bed. They were beginning not to mind Martha so much. She could be fun...

"Aww... What's that horrible smell!" Yugi commented, holding his nose. "Wasn't me!" Yami Bakura stated. Yugi stared at him. " We know that. It actually smells all right, unlike the smells you create. Incense?" Bakura said, propping his elbows up on Yami's chest, who smacked him with a pillow for the insult.

"It's true!" He cried, rubbing his head. "Where are you going?" There's a lot of smoke. Something could've caught fire." Yugi whispered back. "Fire?" Yami had a strange glint in his eye. Bakura scooted sideways, jumping off the side of the bed, and landing with a thump beside Yugi on the lower bunk.

"What's wrong?" Yugi asked. "Last time he had that look he lit the ends of my hair on fire." "It was an accident!""Sure it was!" "You think I did that on purpose?" "Yes!" Yugi shook his head and left them to argue. He was scared. They were REALLY starting to sound like an old married couple.

There was a lot of smoke in the hallway, so much that he couldn't see Chewie, and walked right into him. "Sorry." he muttered. "Yugi?" Han asked. "That you?" "Yes."

"Well, now we're all here except Yami and Bakura." leia stated. "Martha!" Tea pounded on the closet door, which was emitting large clouds of smoke, not realizing it was open, she fell directly on top of her.

"Oh, I'm sorry! Did my incense wake you?" "Did it ever." Han grumbled. "We thought the house was on fire!"

"No, thank goodness! And that's a good thing!" Martha snuffed out her burning incense, and the rest went back to bed, coughing on the overly scented fumes.

WITTY PHANTOM: Martha Stewart... The less I have to deal with that woman, the better.

RAY: I think she's nice.

WITTY PHANTOM: Nice! Nice? She's the lord of the underworld! Lord of the clean, scented, lemony fresh underworld!

RAY: What're you on?

WITTY PHANTOM: What was that?

RAY: Nothing. *Smiles sweetly*

WITTY PHANTOM: *muttering* Now she could use some ravenous beavers. Although she'd probably have tea with them and make them clothes!

RAY:*eyes lighting up* RAVENOUS BEAVERS! YAY!

WITTY PHANTOM: No! No no no no no!

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CHRIS: that Spanish Train still runs, and the people cower in fear. She's running out of steam. And far to the west the lord and the devil are now playing chess. The devil still cheats and wins more souls. And the lord? He's just doing his beesssssst!

T: *shivering * That was very creepy! Thank you! *Grins *

CHRIS: My pleasure. I hear you got Barry Manilow too?

SHADI: * grin * We gave him a dip in the brine.

CHRIS: I've always wanted to do that to him- damn!

The guitar strings break, spelling "Read and Review" Chris adjusts the pegs, and the words change to " I Know the Piano Tuners Come Often, But This Is Ridiculous!"


	13. The Piano Tuners Come Often, But

SHADI: Once again, it's just us.

T: No guests this time… *pause, evil grin * There once was a man from Nantucket-

Shadi clamps his hand over her mouth.

SHADI: Don't say it!

T: Why not? We might as well use this PG-13 rating for something!

SHADI: Well, the next chapters certainly do!

T: Oh, it's jokes!

SHADI: A drunken chapter!

T: Sssh! You blew it!

SHADI: I'm sorry. I didn't say anything, reader!

T: Thereoncewasamanfromnantucket-

SHADI: T…

T: Wuss.

SHADI: Belly dance, milady?

T: *nods * I don't own Star Wars, Yu-gi-Oh, LOTR, South Park, or the mystery man in this next chapter. But I do own earrings. Nice ones. *Pause * THERE ONCE WAS A MAN FROM NANTUCKET! ANYTHING THAT MOVED HE WOULD F-

SHADI: Okay.. That's enough! *Belly dances *

T: *Belly dancing with Shadi* *whispering * anything that moved he would fuck it-

SHADI: *tackles T*

Chapter Thirteen

I KNOW THE PIANO TUNERS COME OFTEN, BUT THIS IS RIDICULOUS!

Cartmen sighed. He was so bored! Tea had put padlocks on each of the cupboards to stop him from eating, and Yami Bakura was.. Well.. He had no idea where he was.

"Whazzat?" Cartmen said, poking his head around the doorframe. It was a room he had never seen before! With a large dome shaped ceiling, and a rich carpet on the marble floor. A grand piano was situated in the centre of the great room. "What the fuck?" Cartmen sauntered into the room, and hopped up onto the piano bench, studying the keys curiously, knocking the sheet music onto the floor and laughing.

Yami Bakura, on the other hand, was quite busy. He was determined to get back at Martha for her cookies. He dumped curry and several other unneeded ingredients into a pan of brownies, humming quietly to himself. He baked the horrid concoction. "I knew those lock picks were a good investment." He said, laughing manically.

" What'cha doing?" Leia asked, leaning against the doorframe. "Nothing." Yami stammered, shielding the brownies with his body. "Really?" she said, raising one eyebrow and staring at the bottles on the counter.

"Chilli powder, mustard, curry? Spill it." "Revenge on Martha, if you must know." Yami snapped. Leia's eyes lit up. "Really? Well then, I can help. Add salt to the icing. Don't forget the Soya sauce." "Of course." He replied, and both grinned at each other deviously.

Cartmen was having fun hitting random keys, making an obscene racket. "Ow!" Came a muffled voice from inside the piano. Cartmen paused, but paid no heed to it. Again he hit random keys.

"LOOKIT ME! I'M ELTON FUCKING JOHN!" He shouted, beating the piano furiously, falling off the stool laughing at his own joke.

"No you're not! I am!" came the same voice. Cartmen stared at the piano. "Who's there?" There came a sigh.

"Just open the bloody lid!" Cartmen heaved open the top of the large instrument. "Sheesh! What's up your ass?" A sandy haired man with glasses and large diamond earrings appeared, tangled up in the innards of the piano.

Cartmen blinked, and ran screaming from the room, tripping over the carpet in his path, but picked himself up, and, still yelling, exited.

"Rocket Man wasn't that horrible!" Elton cried after him, but then slammed his fist down on the keys.

"I knew I should've listened to my manager on that one!"

" Thanks for letting me stay here! And that's a good thing!" Martha gushed, and even Tea, who was starting to get annoyed, tried to smile and said goodbye for the thousandth time. "Wait!" Yami Bakura cried, handing her the brownies.

"Leia and I made these so you wouldn't have to cook." He nudged Leia to keep her from giggling, as Martha took the tainted dessert. She thanked them, said her last, 'and that's a good thing', and left.

Han came out of the kitchen, holding the last brownie that wouldn't fit on the platter. Leia went as white as a sheet. "Two for the price of one." Yami grinned.

"Han, no!" Leia cried, as he put it to his mouth. She jumped him, and tried to wrestle it out of his hand.

"Hey, I saw it first!" He said, laughing. He took a bite, and she cringed. Yami's smile grew broader.

"Who made these?" He said, still chewing. "I did." Yami said. " It's actually pretty good." "Thank you Han." He replied, his smirk taking up half his face.

It took about a split second for Han to realize. "What's in them?" He shouted angrily at Yami, but it was too late. His face flushed red, and he cursed loudly.

"Too spicy? Oh dear, I guess I overdid it." Yami laughed. Han shook his fist at him, but ran upstairs to the bathroom as fast as his legs could carry him. Yami followed close behind, to taunt him. "Didn't your mother ever teach you not to eat things you found lying around?"

"Guys!" Cartmen yelled. "What?" Gandalf said, panicking. "Where's the Balrog?" "Not a Balrog, you old dumbass!" Cartmen cried frantically. "There's a well dressed fudge packer in the piano!" "We have a piano?" "In the music room! C'mon!" nobody moved. " For the love of Fuck, I'm not kidding this time!"

Everyone looked at one another. "Very funny." Gandalf said, and slowly every member of the houshare trooped out of the living room, except for Elrond.

" Alright. Where is this homosexual of which you so crudely speak." He sighed. Cartmen stared. " Clammy? You belive me?"

"A brain as feeble as yours couldn't come up with a story like that. Are you giving me reason not to?" Elrond said matter-of-factly, one eyebrow raised. "C'mon!" he cried, running absurdly fast for a boy more then a hundred pounds overweight.

Cartmen shut his eyes after hearing the sickening crashing sound. Elrond and Elton, who had managed to untangle himself from the piano, were both lying on their backs after running into each other. "Terribly sorry." Elton said, holding his hand out ot help Elrond up. Their gaze locked.

"Here, let me help you." Elton said, starry eyed, putting his hand on Elrond's shoulder. Elrond's eyes grew wide with fear.

"Uh.. No! No, thanks. I'm perfectly capable." He stammered, leaping up and brushing himself off. Cartmen, who was now out of his amazed stupor, was laughing uncontrollably.

"What happened?" Leia said, coming in with the others, who had all heard the crash from downstairs.

"Oh, hello." Yugi said sheepishly, to the stranger. "Another member of the houshare." Elrond squeaked, trying to keep his voice from cracking, hiding behind Gandalf.

"Elton John!" Han said in amazement, over the sounds of Yami Bakura, whom Han had in a headlock.

"Indeed. Perhaps you can tell me why I'm here. I was at a concert two days ago, when I dropped one of my earrings in the piano. I went in to get it, and got stuck. Now I'm here! Uh... Where is this exactly?"

" Well, this is the mansion of a crazed Phantom. We were all invited to spend two months here. It's already been a month. Lucky you, you only have one month to deal with these freaks." Yami Bakura hissed, but was then strangled by Han.

One by one they introduced themselves, and decided to accommodate their newest member in the piano room.

"I like him. He's nice." Tea stated, as they all went their separate ways." Hmmm...Yes." Yoda added. "Nice." Elrond scoffed. "He seems to like you, Elrond." Gandalf said. "Just give him a chance."

"If only you knew." he muttered.

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T: Man, I wish I knew the other versions.

SHADI: There once was man from Nantucket, with a Wang so long he could suck it…

T: You knew all along!

SHADI: *evil grin * Yes. But I'm not going to say how it finishes.

T: That's mean!

SHADI: *Matter of factly * It's hardly PG-13.

T: Fair enough. * Continues belly dancing with Shadi * Read and Review!

SHADI: Next up, I did not have relations with that…Man?

T: really… It's the name of the chapter, people!

SHADI: It's not Yaoi.

T: *hears a bunch of disappointed groans * Come on, people! We gave you the Nantucket limericks!

SHADI: *nodding * *still belly dances *


	14. I Did Not Have Relations With That Man!

Shadi and T are now seated in T's room, waiting for the next chapter.

T: What? Oh, hello! Yay! We're baaaaack!

SHADI: *shivering * their eyes… Their eyes are looking at my soul! MAKE IT STOP!

T: Oh, I don't have that many posters!

SHADI: *calming down * How do you sleep?

T: I'm not quite sure. That picture of Bakura's eyes? Man, is that freaky at night!

SHADI: Hey! You only have one of me!

T: Can't use the printer. I do have a fair amount, though.

SHADI: And it's a tiny one!

T: *British accent * It's not the size, mate! It's how you use it.

SHADI: o. O

T: In other words, don't complain. Now, we'll get the president of Hicksville to do the disclaimer. * Holds up a photo of a redneck taped to a hockey stick, deepens voice * T, Pirate Duke of Leprechauns, does not own Elton John, Yu-Gi-Oh, Star Wars, LOTR, or South Park. There once was a man from Nantucket-

SHADI: *Ahem *

T: *normal voice * It's not me! Stop looking at me like that!

REDNECK: Hello? This is Canada?

SHADI & T: YAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! *glomp each other *

Chapter Fourteen

I DID NOT HAVE RELATIONS WITH THAT...MAN?

Yami Bakura sighed. Why did Ryou detest him so? He leaned up against the wall, wondering what to do. Anything nice he tried to say or do always backfired, or seemed insincere. "I guess that's what I get for always being a trickster." He sighed, shutting his eyes.

Suddenly, lovely piano music floated to his ears. He followed it, ending up in the music room, where Elton was seated, not looking up from his sheets of music.

When the song ended, Yami Bakura clapped. Elton turned around fast, his large diamond earrings swaying.

"Oh, Hello." He said cheerfully. " That was actually quite nice." Yami said, sighing.

"You seem depressed." Elton said, turning the piano bench so he could look at Yami. "That I am, Elton. But I won't bother you with it." He said, taking a step out of the room.

"Now hold on!" Elton said, with a small grin. "It always helps to talk about things."

Yami paused. " You're new here, you don't know me too well. That works in my favour, as you'll probably take me seriously." Yami Bakura strode over to Elton and sat down beside him on the bench.

"Before you begin, just let me guess. Is this about that young man, Bakura?" Yami nodded, perplexed. "How did you know?" Elton smiled broadly. "I just know these things. Now, tell me. What's going on?"

Yami took a deep breath. " I don't know. Any time I try to say or do something nice for Ryou he thinks I'm playing a trick on him. I do that a lot, but there are some times when I'm serious!"

Elton nodded knowingly. " Because you don't know how else to convey your feelings for him."

"Exactly! Well, that's not the case for Han. He just bugs me."

"Of course." Elton replied, patting Yami on the back.

" Here's what you do to fix it. Just tell the boy how you feel about him, and apologize for all of the tricks and jokes you've made. I'm sure he'll take you back."

"Yeah..." Yami nodded, smiling. "That kind of trickery just might work! Thank you, Elton." "Anytime." He replied, casting him a grin. "Now go get him!" Yami quickly exited the room, and Elton sighed. "Ah, young love. So many hardships to be overcome." He shook his head, and resumed playing. "Although some of those hardships still persist." He muttered sadly.

Gandalf whistled a happy tune, entering the kitchen. He opened one of the cabinets to get a glass, and was handed one.

"Thanks." He paused, confusedly placing it on the counter, sighing. " What, is Martha back here again, Elrond?"

"No!" The elf hissed, craning his head, which was right up against his knees, and glaring at Gandalf.

"I'm concealing myself from that piano playing, earring wearer!" Gandalf looked confused, stroking his chin.

Elrond sighed. "Elton."

"Oh, Elton, Yes, Yes. Why are you hiding from him? He's nice!" "Nice!" Elrond sputtered. " Yes, I bet he's a good dancer and a coiffeur as well!" Gandalf began laughing and couldn't stop for quite some time.

"You think he's gay?" "A veritable Sherlock Holmes, you are, Gandalf." Elrond said with a roll of his eyes.

"Come now, Elrond.I think that headband's on a little too tight. Just because the man's a bit different doesn't mean he's gay. And that's a very bad stereotype!"

Elrond ignored him. " You didn't see the look he gave me! You heard what Cartmen said!" "Cartmen? Cartmen's got you in this state? Cartmen is such a silly child, who can't get his mind off food long enough to notice anything!" "He was right about him being in the piano, wasn't he?" "That was a fluke!" Gandalf cried. "Now stop all of this nonsense and get out of that cupboard!" "I can't!""Yes you can!" Gandalf growled. "Put aside your silly ideas-" "No, Gandalf, I physically can't! I'm stuck!"

"Here goes nothing." Yami Bakura sighed. "I hope Elton's right!" He took a deep breath and stepped into the room, seeing the back of Bakura's head over the couch.

"What now, Yami?" Yami Bakura froze. How did he know?

"I know you're there. With all the times you've snuck up on me I've developed a sixth sense." Yami cleared his throat.

"Listen, Ryou. There's something I have to tell you."

He said, sitting down beside the white haired teen.

" What blew up?" he asked in a haggard manner. "Nothing-" "And don't say the squirrels did it this time!"

"Ryou!" "Give me your matches!" Yami pulled out a matchbook from his jeans pocket. "But-" " Just as I thought, there's three missing!" "RYOU!" Bakura recoiled, matches still in hand. "Yes?" he squeaked.

" Will you shut up long enough for me to say what it is I have to say? This isn't easy!" Bakura said nothing, and his face was pale.

" I know I have always been the joker, but for once I'm actually serious here, believe me. I- I know I don't actually show it very much, Ryou, but I'm glad to have you around."

"Yami..." "I'm sorry for all the times I've put itching powder in your shoes, or the time I set your hair on fire. Or when I electrocuted you and blamed it on a short circuit!" "You're babbling- Hey! That was you?"

"Yes. What I'm trying to say is... I love you, Ryou."

Bakura's eyes watered. "Oh Yami!" The two hugged, and Yami patted him on the back.

They paid no heed to the sound of shattering glass from the doorway. Han stared, wide eyed and horrified at the sight before him. His hand was still conformed to the shape of the glass, which lay in pieces on the floor. Yami loved Ryou? They were hugging! Han's small brain had already figured out the conclusion.

"Holy Shit! They're fruits!" He hissed to himself, staring dumbstruck, unable to move. "What's the matter, Han? You look like you've seen a ghost." Yugi said, coming out of the kitchen.

"Nothing, Nothing at all!" I can't let him see them this way! Han thought, spinning around. Yugi looked at him confusedly. "What are you hiding?" "Don't look, Yugi!" Han pleaded, clamping a hand over Yugi's eyes.

"I love you too, Yami!" they heard Bakura say.

"What the heck?" Yugi exclaimed. "What're they doing in there?" Han's head snapped around. All he could see was Yami's grinning form, and Bakura had disappeared from view. They heard him laugh, and Yami disappeared behind the couch.

Han ushered Yugi out of the room. " Are they doing what I think they're doing?" "Speak of that to no one, Yugi. Their lifestyle is their business!" "Ok, fine. But I never thought they were... You know!" "Me neither." Han agreed, with a shudder. "I'm never sitting on that couch again!"

"Yami, give me that remote!" "What do you need it for? There's only one channel!" "What do you need it for!" Bakura retorted, playfully punching his Yami in the arm.

Yami pulled at Bakura's hair. "Hey, Quit it! That hurts!"

From the kitchen, both Yugi and Han shared a horrified look, before both bolted out of the room and up the stairs, passing Elton in the hall.

"Don't go downstairs!" Han warned. " Bakura and Yami are making out! I don't think you want to see that!"

"I know I didn't" Yugi squeaked, running into his room and slamming the door.

Alone in the hallway, Elton smiled to himself. "Elton John saves the day again! I knew my advice would help."

Elrond emerged from the washroom; cast Elton a strange look before running back in and slamming the door. He could hear the window open, and a loud cry as the elf landed in the rose bushes.

Elton sighed. "Now if only I could solve my own love problems!" He murmured. "Elton how goes it?" Gandalf said cheerfully, then, seeing the look on his face, asked. "What's the matter?" "Tell me, Gandalf. Does Elrond positively hate me?" Gandalf clicked his tongue, shaking his head. "He doesn't hate you, he'll just come around in time. You just need to win him over a little bit, that's all."

Elton snapped his fingers. "That's it! What does he like?" Gandalf grinned broadly. "Good! He likes gardening. Tiger lilies are his favourite I believe. Mad for chocolate and I'm almost certain he makes his own wine. Finding a common interest is always the way-" "Thanks, Gandalf!" Elton said happily, shaking his hand and running off. "- To start a friendship?" Gandalf shrugged. "I hope I was of some assistance."

"No way!" Tea cried. "Yami and Bakura?" Yugi nodded. "We saw them with our own eyes!" Han said, shakily pointing a finger to his eye. " I still don't get it. I always though Yami was into women!" Yami Yugi stated firmly.

"About Bakura said nothing, yes." Yoda croaked. Yami's eyes darted from side to side, and he leaned in slightly. "I'm not trying to be mean, but I was never quite sure about him." Yami Yugi whispered.

Discarding their pact of silence, Han and Yugi had spilled the beans, so to speak, by telling everyone in the houshare. Not quite everyone, as it seemed Elrond was still caught in the rose bushes.

"Preposterous! Honestly, you young people are all gay this and gay that!" Gandalf huffed. "First you say that Elton is gay, and now-"

"Gandalf." Leia said, clearing her throat. "Elton is Gay. Well, Bisexual." Gandalf stopped. "You're sure?"

"Yes. He openly admitted it." Tea added. Gandalf blanched. "Good lord! What have I done! Elrond!" He cried, standing up and running from the room.

"So." Said Cartmen, turning back to the others. "I want all the nasty details!"

" Hello, sweet cheeks." Elrond froze, one hand on the banister. He cleared his throat. "Hello." Clearing his throat again, Elrond made a run for it up the stairs, but Elton caught him by the arm, dragging him over to the couch.

"I have something for you." he said coyly, pressing a bouquet of tiger lilies into Elrond's hands. "How- What?"

" A little bird told me." Elton said with a smile, producing two glasses. "Wine?" Elrond's face grew red with anger. "What is the meaning of-" "Chocolate?" Elton shoved one into Elrond's mouth, muffling the rest of his sentence.

"Quiet, my love. Let's not spoil the moment." Elrond's eyes grew wide with fear as Elton leaned inwards...

" Shit! Is everyone in this house gay?" Han exclaimed from the doorway. Elton's cheeks turned pink in seeing the entire houshare in the room.

Gandalf pushed through the crowd, leaning on his staff as he panted. "Elrond! Thank God, I'm not too late!"

Elrond stood up quickly, spitting the chocolate out onto the floor, his face beet red.

"What...Did...You...Do?" He hissed threateningly, advancing on Gandalf. "I'm sorry! I didn't know until now, I shouldn't have told him!" "You think! Honestly, there is no strength, nor brains left in the world of men! Didn't I tell you? But no, you just refused to believe me!"

Gandalf took hold of Elrond's shoulders to keep him from attacking. "It was an honest mistake, really!" Elrond continued to glare coldly. "And you!" he shouted, turning around stiffly and taking Elton by his shirt collar.

"I am not 'sweet cheeks', nor am I your 'love'! I am Elrond Halfelven, and I am not to be trifled with! If you ever come within one foot of me, ever again, I can't be held responsible for my actions!" Elrond exited, fists clenched and his robes flapping behind him.

" I think that went well." Legolas said, clearing his throat. "What's all this about? What's going on here?" Yami Bakura asked, coming in with Bakura. Everyone looked away, except for Elton, who smiled broadly. " Everything going well?" Yami didn't answer. "What? Why are you all looking at us like that?"

A long silence followed. Han was the first to speak.

" Aren't... Yugi and I saw you together..." "Ooh, very observant! What else?" "And... We heard you both tell each other you loved one another, and then you hugged."

"You saw that?" "Yami, calm down." Bakura begged, placing a hand on his shoulder. Gandalf, who seemed to have developed severe homophobia, recoiled like he had just been smacked in the face. "What?" Bakura asked, perplexed.

"I miss the olden days, when men were men..." Gandalf whimpered. "We saw you making out!" Yugi squeaked.

"What!" Yami and Bakura called out in unison. "We weren't, I wasn't! I'm not gay!" Yami yelled.

"I knew all along." Yami Yugi said, closing his eyes and nodding. " But I'm not! Are you?" Bakura glared.

"What do you think? Of course not!"

"Then...If you're both not..." Han began

"Only a moron like you, Han, would come up with that conclusion! What you saw earlier was me apologizing to Ryou for all the torture I've done to him."

"But you said you loved-"

"As a brother! And Yes, I did hug him, but that is not making out! Sorry to disappoint you!"

Suddenly, Bakura began laughing. Everyone turned to stare. "Is that what you thought? We were wrestling for the remote, see?" Bakura said, showing them the bruise on his elbow.

Everyone let out a long sigh. " I knew you weren't, I was just-" "Sure, Yami, Sure." Yugi said with a laugh.

"Wait... You!" Yami Bakura called, turning to Elton.

"I get it now! 'He'll take you back; tell him your feelings'! You thought I was in love with Ryou?"

"I-I-I- it's an easy assumption to make! I'm new here, I don't know these things!" Elton stammered.

" Then this is all just a misunderstanding." Tea sighed. "This is unfair!" Cartmen yelled. All eyes were on him. "This was the closest we ever came to being like the playboy mansion, but all of you just had to fuck it up! I guess now we'll just have to rely on pointy hat's freakiness! Maybe he'll surprise us with some hidden talent he has with a pie!" "You're dead!" Gandalf roared, raising his staff and chasing Cartmen around the house, breaking several objects.

/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/-*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-

REDNECK: So, this here's Canada huh? Not as cold as don I expected.

T: No, the nine months of darkness all of Canada suffers through has just past. The great Neoga hunt starts this week. My uncle and father are getting more whale blubber for the lamps, because the moose are confused by light. They're night predators-

SHADI: T! Don't be telling the Yankee country redneck man lies about Canada!

REDNECK: * nervously * I don knew she was joking…

T: You're no fun!

SHADI: It's summer here, Mr. President. We apologize for getting so surprised; it's not often the President of Hicksville ends up in our house.

T: Our?

REDNECK: So… Summer huh?

T: *nods * Our Prime Minister Tim Horton would love to meet you. I've met him; I work as a secretary in our igloo of commerce. We're actually thinking of building a replica of the golden gate bridge, to put one in each of our six states. We got our own flag this year, too. It has a moose on it. The bridges will celebrate Mr. Horton on getting a double double; he's been in service two terms now. Our two-dollar bill has his face on it. Oh, how could I be so rude! This is Shadi, whom I'm betrothed to. Our neighbours a mile down the road are building our house, so we should soon be able to move in with our penguin, Icy-

SHADI: T! *Clamps hand over her mouth *

REDNECK: I see… *writes it all down * I'm getting edumacated!

SHADI: She's lying! She's lying, don't listen to her!

REDNECK: We'll, when you see Mr. Horton, tell him congratulations! You Canadians have some interesting' traditions down herea.

SHADI: For the love of Ra! She's lying! *Shakes him *

T: Don't mind him. He's got a touch of the aurora borealis. Nasty thing.

REDNECK: Oooh… I hope you get better soon, Shady.

SHADI: It's Shadi.

REDNECK: Sorry. Shadi. Well, I'd best be goin'. Jim Bob makin' his Kraft dinner tonight.

T: You don't want to join us in the Neoga hunting rituals?

REDNECK: No, but I'd don like to see it. *Sits down *

Shadi finals lightens up, quite amused at how T has strung him along. Both begin to Belly Dance.

REDNECK: *clapping * that's cool! Hyuck!

SHADI: Would you like to say a final word to our readers?

REDNECK: Sure! Read and review, next up; One way to many, no, that was five drinks ago. I'd like to personally congratulate Mr. Tim Horton man on his double double, and also T and Shadi for their marriage. Drop by the trailer sometime, I'd like to learn more about Canada. Then maybe I can get my grade nine.

Redneck disappears as fast as he came, T and Shadi laughing hysterically.


	15. One Way Too Many Was Five Drinks Ago

T: Yeah… Okay. Today we're joined by a bunch of fearsome biker grannies.

The revving of engines is heard, and several old ladies on Harley Davidson's drive up.

GLADYS: Wassssaaaaaaap!

SUE: Wasssssaaaaaaaaap!

JOAN: Wassaaaaap!

MARY: *silent *

SHADI & T: !

SHADI: so, what is it you ladies do in the 'rebellious' spirit?

GLADYS: Well, we throw yarn over people's houses.

SUE: We knit them sweaters with the neck holes sewed up.

JOAN: we spray paint 'make tea, not love ' on every building in sight.

MARY: *silent *

GLADYS: We super glue teacups to the sidewalks.

JOAN: We steal carts from the supermarket and race them.

SUE: Instead of chucking eggs, we throw lemon squares at passers-by.

T: Wow! You old ladies are on fire!

SHADI: Make way! What do you call yourselves?

GLADYS: Hell's Grannies.

T: Sends a chill down your spine, don't it?

SHADI: Honours of the disclaimer?

T: *snicker *

GRANNIES: T, Pirate Duke Of Leprechauns, doesn't own Yu-Gi-Oh, Star Wars, LOTR, South Park, and Elton John, nor does she own Martha Stewart's wine.

SHADI: Well done! Well done! * Grin * There once was a man from Nantucket-

T: Hypocrite.

Chapter Fifteen

ONE WAY TOO MANY, NO WAIT, THAT WAS FIVE DRINKS AGO.

"Hey Guys! Mail's here!" Tea called, reaching into the mailbox. "Wine bottles?" She said, taking the three glass bottles into her arms.

"Tea, I think it's time to admit you have a problem." Yugi said, putting a hand on her shoulder. "No, you idiot! I found these in the mailbox. Look, there's a note, they're from Martha. Get the others!"

Soon the entire houseshare was in the living room, waiting to hear what the note said.

" Dear Friends." Tea read. "I would just like to thank you all for letting me stay with you while my house was being painted, and that's a good thing-" "Dear god, she actually writes it!" Elrond exclaimed, but was promptly shushed by the others.

"The brownies were wonderful, you must give me the recipe. Anyways, thanks again. I hope you enjoy the wine. And that's a good thing, Martha." Yami and Leia giggled.

"I can't believe she liked them!""They were terrible, and I should know." Han muttered.

"Well, this was a nice gesture. We should really try the wine." "You first." Leia said, handing Tea a glass.

"Gee, I don't know. It's four in the afternoon-""Less talkie more drinkie!" Leia called, opening up the first bottle. Tea cautiously poured herself a glass, sipping it slowly.

"Hey, that's pretty good!" She poured herself another, which seemed to convince the rest of them. Soon, the entire houshare was enjoying Martha Stewart's wine. Soon, it was well past seven, and still they drank, finishing off the third bottle...

" You know what?" Yami Yugi mumbled, swaying and spilling his wine on the carpet. "You guys are alright!"

Elton began laughing, and he fell on Elrond, who grinned and pushed him upright.

"Cheers!" Elton called, falling over again, to the other side so that he hung over the side of the couch, laughing.

"Man, we are so wasted!" Tea said, throwing back her head, but no sound came out of her mouth.

"What're you doing up there, Yugi?" Bakura asked, placing his empty glass on the table.

"It's a bird, it's a plane! It's!" Yugi hiccupped "Super Yugi!" at this, the small blond jumped off the top of the bookcase, landing flat on his face with a thump.

" When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother, what will I be.. Everybody!" Legolas sang, raising his glass. "My precious!" Gollum said, with a very odd hiss, which sounded like a laugh, playing with Legolas's hair.

"Don't touch the hair!" he said, pointing at Gollum, glass still in hand. "Ah, what the heck! Just this once!"

It was then that Gollum gave Legolas a very sloppy kiss on the mouth.

The rest of the houshare laughed, and Tea began to sing, standing up and motioning for the others to join her. "Here comes the bride! Getting a free ride! No, that's not how it goes!" She giggled loudly, falling back into her chair. "I forgot!"

"You know..." Legolas said coyly. "I've never had a slimy skinny guy before." Gollum grinned, his green eyes shining. "Follow Gollum! Gollum gives you what you needses!"

Legolas winked and sauntered up, following Gollum to the cupboard under the stairs.

"Only a bloody elf!" Han hiccupped. "Oh, Sorry Elrond!"

Elrond shrugged. "You say tomato, I say tomahto." A devious gleam came to Elrond's somewhat glazed eyes. "Speaking of fruits, I just want to apologize for yesterday, Elton. You're okay." Elton laughed in response, and Elrond downed the rest of his wine before nodding and placing his glass on the table. " You know what, I don't blame you for having a crush on me. Who wouldn't?" "Yeah, Who wouldn't?" Elton said, pulling himself into a sitting position.

"Hon, why don't I show you some of my achievements in the music room, hmm?" Elton winked. Elrond looked behind him, not noticing the wink. "Are you speaking to me?" Elton laughed. "Of course!" He stood up, offering his hand to Elrond to help him up. "Well, then I'd be honoured." Elrond took his hand and pulled himself up, and the two men disappeared up the stairs.

"I know what they're gonna do!" Yugi called, jumping up and down. "I know! I know!" "Shaddap!" Yami said, swaying again and spilling what remained of the wine.

Leia clicked a lighter in her right hand. "It's a little chilly in here, dont'cha think?" she said, laughing manically.

" Hey! Lookit the pink bunny!" Yugi cried, pointing.

"It's a dragon, dummy!" His Yami said, making a feeble attempt to slap him. "See, there's the fangs!"

" I wonder... Do wookies have wookies?" Bakura said, holding his wine glass in a very sophisticated way, asking the question in a very serious manner.

"Yeah, do they?" Yugi said, cocking his head and blinking his large, glazed eyes.

" Ryou, did anyone ever tell you you're hot?" Yami Bakura asked, licking the rim of his glass in a suggestive manner. Bakura looked at him with amber eyes.

"Why are you doing that?" Yami threw back his head and laughed. "I'm trying to seduce you, fool!" "Oh."

"Loaded, yes! Said you weren't gay, yes!" " This wine has given me clarity. I bet I can make you say yes, Ryou."

Yami said, picking up Bakura, who was very confused, and carrying him up the stairs.

"They're gonna do what Elrond is doing to Elton! And Legolas and Gollum!"

" Will you keep it down?" Legolas shouted, poking his head out of the closet before he was pulled back in.

"Wasted away again in Margarita Ville! Looking for my lost shaker of salt!" Tea cried, jumping on to the coffee table, rattling the glasses. "Old grey mare she ain't what she used to be, ain't what she used to be, ain't what she used to be, Old grey mare she ain't what she used to be, ain't what she used to be, ain't what she used to be, ain't what she used to be!"

"Whooo! Lookit! Look how fast it burns!" Leia called, laughing hysterically and pointing at her glass, and the alcohol that burned. The flame was about a foot high, and Leia danced around the flaming glass, laughing and clicking the lighter.

"Jabba, You're my best friend!" Han called, accidentally splashing Jabba with alcohol. "I wonder how fast you'd burn!" Leia said, staring in wonder at Jabba, who just laughed and proceeded to sing ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall with Han.

"Hey!" Yami called. "Where's Gandalf?"

Gandalf laughed gleefully, looking down at the pie on the table. " I love you, pie! What's that? You love me too? Well then, what to do about it? What's that? Oh, You're a rotten apple!"

"He's got class, Shaft!" "Shaddup your face!" Yami yelled to Tea, who was singing show tunes at the top of her voice. "Wow, Cartmen! You're beautiful!" Yugi exclaimed, bouncing around the room.

Cartmen came down the stairs, his hair in curlers, wearing the red sequined cocktail dress along with high heels, and enough make up that even Mimi Bobeck would consider to be too much.

"That's mine! That's my dress! The president of Ireland gave that to me when we beat Mary Poppins in a game of Golf!" Yami muttered, swaying and passing out.

"Nail polish remover is very flammable, did you know that?" Leia asked Yugi, forever clicking her lighter.

" Toilet!" Yugi yelled, laughing like a maniac. Leia smiled gleefully. "Great idea! The flaming toilet of hell!"

She ran up the stairs, making a long burn mark up the banister.

Chewie growled in surprise as Cartmen grabbed him and began doing the tango. "Ooh! Barry White!" Yugi squealed, waist deep in records. He put it on, and began dancing until he passed out, slumped over the back of the chair which his Yami was in.

Tea was singing along, Jabba and Han were doing the Macarena, and Yoda was in his underpants, tripping all over the place, the lampshade on his head obstructing his view.  
"It is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, yes! Some people started singing it, and will still be signing it, yes, forever just because it is the song that never ends!" Yoda warbled, running in a circle and continuing on with the song...

"My head..." Tea moaned, falling out of her chair.

"I haven't been that loaded since- Ever." Yami Yugi muttered, his eyes still bloodshot.

"My mouth tastes like puke." Han said, smacking his lips. Everyone groaned, and Jabba brushed the bag of flaming dog droppings off his head.

The house was a mess. The wine glass had melted into the carpet, and all of the drapes were singed. A long burn mark stretched up the banister.

Carrying Yugi, who was still unconscious, the others found Leia asleep by the toilet, from which a steady flame still burned.

" Thank god we both passed out before something happened!" Bakura exclaimed. Yami nodded. "And for the record, I don't think you're hot." "Fair enough."

But others weren't so lucky...

"Sleep well, Hon? You really exerted yourself, there." Elton said, tracing circles on Elrond's chest. "We... didn't, did we?" "Oh yes we did!" Elton said. "Ready to go again?" Elrond screamed bloody murder, throwing on his robes and running from the room. "No, Wait! Come back! Ah, dammit." Elton fumed, hitting the piano.

"Call me?" Gollum said. Legolas grinned, opening the door and stepping out. "We'll see."

Chewie laughed hysterically in seeing Cartmen, who yelled at the top of his lungs and ran to change. This woke up Yoda, who walked into the wall before realizing the lampshade was still on his head. "The fruit is out of the loom, yes..." Chewie growled in disgust, shaking his head and walking away.

"If anyone asks, I ate you." Gandalf said to the pie, eyes darting nervously about as he dumped it into the garbage. "Cartmen wasn't right... He wasn't..."

/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-

GLADYS: Well, I'd like to thank you both for having us. It's nice to know that now your readers are aware of rambunctious old ladies.

T: No trouble at all, it was great having you. Anytime you want to come back…

JOAN: That would be wonderful! Here, have some of my special brownies.

T looks nervously at the platter.

T: they're not full of wacky tabacy, are they?

MARY: Oh, heavens to Betsy no, they're just her special recipe.

All stare. Mary goes back to her silent state after looking around with shifty eyes.

SHADI: Go Hell's Grannies!

The Grannies give them the thumbs up sign, before hopping on their bikes and speeding away, the exhaust spelling the words "Read and Review", The icing on the brownies reading "The Colonel knows what you ate last summer"


	16. Colonel Knows What You Ate Last Summer1

T and Shadi are watching television.

T: *laughing * I love that commercial! The dude's dancing with a cardboard cut out!

SHADI: What does that have to do with Pepsi?

T:….. I don't know… *shuts it off *

HOST: Things are always strange, in the twilight zone!

SHADI: We're not in the twilight zone.

Guy looks around nervously, hiding behind a potted palm.

T: Who the hell are you? No… wait! You're the host of the twilight zone!

HOST: No! I'm a tree! I'm a beautiful tree, lookit my foliage!

SHADI: We can see you.

T: Elementary, my dear Watson!

WATSON: *eating a doughnut * what?

HOST: where'd you get that? How'd you get here?

WATSON: Window. *Points * windowsill. *Points *

OLD CRONE: *waving pin * AHHH! YARGH! OH HO HO, HIII!

SHADI: Is it just I, or is this getting repetitive?

SHADI: Is it just I, or is this getting repetitive?

SHADI: Is it just I, or is this getting repetitive?

SHADI: Is it just I, or is this getting repetitive?

SHADI: Is it just I, or is this getting repetitive?

SHADI: Is it just I, or is this getting repetitive?

SHADI: Is it just I, or is this getting repetitive?

SHADI: Is it just I, or is this getting repetitive?

HOST: Things are always strange, in the twilight zone!

T: There's a difference between repetition and comedy.

SHADI: Ah.

HOST: So where am I anyways?

T: You're in my realm, guy. You're going to be my next victim- Errrr… Character in another fic I write.

SHADI: Yay! *Belly dances to the hamsterdance song *

HOST: *sigh * Things are always strange in the twilight zone… T does not own Sherlock Holmes, Yu-Gi-Oh, the hamsterdance, Star Wars, Kentucky Fried Chicken, South Park or the Twilight Zone, or me. But she does own the old crone.

T: Yes. Yes I do. I own you as well, guy!

HOST: What? No!

T: It's in the contract.

HOST: What? *Bends to look at the paper * *Shadi hits him in the back of the head, tying him up *

OLD CRONE: * waving pin * give me back that crawler, you… You… Running fat man!

Old crone chases Watson into the sunset, Shadi and T switching to the Macarena.

Chapter Sixteen

THE COLONEL KNOWS WHAT YOU ATE LAST SUMMER! (Part I)

Everyone collapsed in the living room after cleaning the house from top to bottom. Their stomachs growled mercilessly, and nobody felt like cooking.

"How about we order in?" Han asked, picking up the phone. "Well, that's the smartest thing I've heard you say so far, Han." Han ignored Yami's comment. "What does everybody want?" "Chicken!" Everyone chorused. "Wow, that was easy. Kentucky it is." Han was ready to dial the number..

"Um, Yugi? It's kind of hard to use the phone when you're holding the button down."

"I know that!" Yugi snapped. "Are you all insane! Everybody knows the Colonel is a psychopath and a murderer!"

Yami Yugi stared at him. "Are you sure you're sober?"

"Of Course I'm sober!" Yugi screamed. "I'm totally serious! The Colonel is a nut!" Tea put a hand on Yugi's shoulder.

"Come on, Yugi! The Colonel is long since dead."

"That's just what they want you to think! He's alive and as crazy as ever!" There was a long silence that followed.

"None of you believe me?" Yami Bakura cleared his throat.

"Oh, Yami! I knew you'd believe me!" "Birds of a feather.." Han muttered, but was nudged in the ribs by Leia.

"Well... I always thought he'd be more of a child molestor or satanist then a mass murderer. You know, with the rapist glasses and the pointy devil beard and all." Yami confessed.

Yugi sighed. "Okay, whatever. Yami agrees with me!"

"Yes, well Yami kills things and leaves them in the toilet."

"I did that once!" He protested. Yugi sighed.

"So none of you believe me?" Tea laughed nervously.

"We'd like to, Yugi, but... The Colonel being a murderer? It just doesn't add up!"

"Please, just listen to me! He answers every thirteenth call, delivers the food to the house and kills the people there!"

Everyone stared blankly, before they all burst out laughing. "Fine!" Yugi yelled. "Go ahead, Order! You'd be safer going through the drive through!" He ran up the stairs to his room and slammed the door.

"I feel really bad." Tea muttered. "Don't. He just wants attention." Cartmen said. Everyone stared. "What?"

"Have you been watching Dr. Phil?" Gandalf asked.

"Have you been fucking a pie?" "Preposterous!" Gandalf cried, although a pink colour tinged his cheeks.

Yugi sat at the top of the stairs, chin in his hands.

He couldn't blame the others for not believing him. After all, he had just sobered up! He just hoped that Han wasn't the thirteenth caller...

The doorbell rang, and Han proceeded to open it.

"Cash, please." "Certainly." Yugi crained his head around to look past Han. The Colonel was there! He flashed Yugi a grin, a psychotic look in his eye.

"YAARGH! It's the Colonel!" Yugi screamed, leaping up and running down the stairs into the kitchen.

"He hasn't been well lately." Han lied to the Colonel look alike at the doorway. "Oh. I hope he gets better." he said, whistling as he walked back down the path.

Han shut the door, shaking his head slowly. So what if the guy looked a little like him! Yugi wasn't right.

"Didn't you hear what he was whistling? It was the death march!" "Sure it was. I believe that just as much as I believe Gandalf's lie that he ate that pie!"

"Shut your mouth, boy." Gandalf growled at Cartmen, taking a bite of chicken.

" You're a smart little boy, Yugi." The Colonel chuckled from outside the window. "But not smart enough to defeat me! Colonel Sanders! Because the Colonel and his boys make it finger licking good!" He cried, laughing manically.

Yugi lay awake, unable to sleep. That was defiantly the Colonel, there was no doubt about it. But when would the old man strike? Yugi fought, but his eyelids began to close, and eventually he was asleep.

The Colonel snickered from his perch atop a ladder." Your giblets are mine!" He lunged at the window, which unfortunately wasn't open.

Yugi was jolted awake, and stared straight into the Colonel's psychotic beady eyes and face, which were pressed painfully against the glass. Yugi yelled. The Colonel, not expecting him to be awake, also yelled. The ladder wobbled, falling and bringing the Colonel with it.

"What?" Bakura exclaimed, sitting bolt upright. "The Colonel was right outside! I swear!""Yugi... You're starting to scare me...""And you're both starting to annoy me! Shut the Hell up and go to sleep!" Yami hollered, flipping over with such force Yugi thought the mattress would fall on him.

Soon, Yugi heard Bakura snoring softly. Yugi couldn't sleep. The Colonel was coming!

The Colonel salivated, prying open the door and gently shutting it. He chuckled softly, one foot on the first step. It squeaked. He carefully proceeded to the second, which squeaked louder. The third was loudest of all. "Oh, come now!" He hissed. "My precious?" Gollum said, and the Colonel heard the knob turning. "Poultry of hell!" The Colonel exclaimed, flattening himself against the wall.

Gollum came out, looked around but didn't see him. Gollum retreated into the cupboard, and the Colonel sighed with relief. Suddenly, he heard someone walking around upstairs. He ran down the steps, lunging for the couch.

Elton came down the stairs in a bathrobe and curlers, flopping down into a chair a few yards away from the Colonel, sobbing uncontrollably. "Why doesn't he love me!"

The Colonel simply rolled his eyes. He dared not move for fear of being caught. It was then he realized that someone was sleeping on the couch, and this someone was waking up!

"Elton! You're presence here isn't helping!"

Elton sobbed harder. Elrond sighed. "Don't- don't cry, please." The Colonel let out a squeak as he was stepped on.

"Why don't you love me, Elrond?" Elrond cursed in elvish and sighed, sitting down next to Elton. "I cannot love a man, that's why. But if you were a woman, I'd be all over you.""Really?" "Yeah right." Elrond muttered so that Elton didn't hear him. "Now go back to bed."

The Colonel squeaked as he was stepped on again, and waited for Elton to leave. Cursing, the Colonel slithered away from the couch, climbing the stairs on all fours.

"I'll get that evil rooster on the way back!" he snickered, reaching the top and sliding along the wall. Unfortunately, the bathroom door opened at that exact moment, whacking him square in the face.

The Colonel rubbed his nose, glaring daggers at the blond elf that had just emerged, humming a Britney Spears song. He watched as the elf entered a room, and went into the closet. The Colonel peeked around the corner, only to discover that it was Yugi's room. He grinned evilly.

"Poultry of Hell!" He cursed, hiding behind the open door, hearing someone come out into the hall. It was a woman, in a green facemask. She walked into the bathroom, hitting the Colonel with the door.

Swaying slightly, he went into Yugi's room. He climbed the ladder, butcher knife at ready. He froze in midair, hearing the person wake up.

" Jeez, Yami! Get a new cologne!" Bakura hissed. "What's wrong with this one? You can smell it?" He asked groggily. "It smells like old people!"

"Old People?" The Colonel mouthed, enraged. "Are you sure it's not the Colonel you're smelling?" "Yami, that isn't funny!" Bakura whined, turning over. The Colonel lost his balance, crashing to the floor. "What was that?"

He quickly slithered out of the room, hiding himself in the linen closet. He peered through the keyhole, seeing Yami come out into the hall. "Go back in! Go back in!" The Colonel whispered to himself. Yami stayed in the hall for quite some time before retreating into his room, calling Bakura a wuss.

" Poultry of Hell! It's five thirty." The Colonel exclaimed, looking at the glowing face of his watch. "They'll be getting up soon! Their giblets will have to be mine now, I can't wait any longer! I have bingo at eight!"

He was about to push the door open, when someone else strayed into the hall. "Doing it with a pie! Preposterous! I would never do that...Sober." Gandalf walked over to the linen closet, opening it. The Colonel handed Gandalf a towel.

"Thanks." Gandalf shut the door, about to enter the bathroom when he turned around, sighing. "Elrond, You can't keep avoiding Elton like this." He scolded, opening the door.

Gandalf stared at The Colonel and The Colonel stared back. "Are you a new member of the houshare? You look familiar though..." Gandalf said, stroking his beard. Suddenly, he smiled and his eyes lit up. "Oh, I remember! You're the Colonel!" He laughed, but his expression quickly changed.

"The Colonel? ARGH! It's The Colonel!" "Gandalf, you old- Holy Crap! He's Right!" Han called, coming out of his room." You'll never catch me! Because the Colonel and His boys make it finger licking good!" He exclaimed with a psychotic laugh, bolting up and making a run for it.

Everyone winced as The Colonel hit the bathroom door with a sickening crunch, sliding to the floor.

"What'd I miss?" Leia asked with a yawn.

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HOST: *comes to * *wriggles away * YAAAAH! THINGS ARE ALWAYS STRANGE IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE! *Jumps out the window, hopping away in the darkness *

SHADI: Weirdest thing I've ever seen.

Both look up at the stars, which spell out " Read and review! Conclusion to this chapter next!"


	17. Colonel Knows What You Ate Last Summer2

T: Johnny Tightlips, everyone!

JT: I never said that was my name.

T: But... Anybody who knows the Simpsons knows you.

JT: I don't know nobody by that name.

T: Can you just read the disclaimer, please?

JT: What disclaimer.

T: The one on the paper in front of you.

JT: What paper. I don't see no paper.

T: ... This is getting old. Just tell them.

JT: Tell who.

T: The readers.

JT: What readers? You think this is some kind of story we're in? This broads' crazy!

T: As crazy as the Colonel, whose image -like the rest of the characters in this story- I do not own! There, was that so hard?

JT: What's hard.

T: Telling them that.

JT: Well maybe I can't talk or nothing.

T: You're not serious.

JT: *Silence*

T: Cut to the fic!

JT: What're you- Ow! What're you doing, you crazy broad?

Chapter Seventeen

THE COLONEL KNOWS WHAT YOU ATE LAST SUMMER! (Part 2)

"Gee, We're really sorry Yugi." Leia said, looking at the hog-tied Colonel, who was yelling something, muffled by the sock in his mouth.

Yugi shrugged, smiling. "At least we're all okay."

"He's kind of cute in a wrinkly old man kind of way." Elton said, cocking his head and grinning. Everyone groaned in disgust. The Colonel began screaming in terror, backing up against the wall.

"I agree." Elrond said, but was nudged in the ribs by Gandalf.

"You know, It's kind of sad, pointy hat, how you've ignored people in cupboards four times."

Gandalf glared at Cartmen, shaking his head.

"No, only three times. Elrond twice, and the Colonel."

"No, four times. I witnessed your naughtiness with your bakery fresh friend!"

Gandalf blanched. " Preposterous!" "I have pictures!" Cartmen said, waving a manila envelope around.

"Enough! What will it take for you to be quiet?"

"What are they talking about?" Han muttered. "You have to do everything I say for a week." Gandalf groaned. "Fine."

"Anyways..." Leia said, clearing her throat.

"I've called the cops, they'll be showing up shortly."

The doorbell rang. "That must be them now!"

Two burly cops came in, and hoisted the Colonel up, each taking one arm. Elton flirted with them, but as they were very oblivious to this, paid no attention to him.

"Your giblets are mine!" The psychotic Chicken Chef cried, spitting the sock out. "That's enough, sonny!" The first police officer mumbled, dragging him away.

"He's wanted for seven murders, and three child molestations-" "I knew it!" Yami Bakura shouted, and everyone turned to stare. He cleared his throat nervously.

"Carry on." The officer nodded. "Really strange. He was luring them into his gingerbread house."

"He has a gingerbread house?" The officer nodded again.

"It's being reposed to the King of Candy Land, the Colonel refused to pay the mortgage."

"I knew there was a Candyland!" Tea called, pointing at the rest of the houshare.

"Actually, miss, that's just a title. He's a pimp and a notorious gang leader, his trademark is stuffing the victim's pockets with candy."

"Oh." Tea said sheepishly. "Now I'll leave you to Detective Chaplin." He exited, an ashtray falling from his pocket. His eyes darted from side to side. " You really shouldn't leave your stuff on the floor."

A pale man in a black suit and bowler hat entered, his black moustache neatly combed. He placed his hat on the rack, waving to the houshare.

"Great Scott! It's Charlie Chaplin!" Bakura exclaimed.

"But- you've been dead for a long, long time!" Legolas said, pointing a shaking finger at him. Chaplin shook his head, motioning to the freezer.

"Jeez, dude. Can't you speak at all?" He shook his head. "Ooh, I love charades! Okay..." Leia observed as Chaplin ran around the room, flailing his arms wildly and pointing at the freezer.

"Okay. You were frozen, so you could come back and fight crime!" Chaplin gave her the thumbs up sign.

"Sounds like a bad spin-off." Elton muttered.

" Would you like a cup of coffee, Mister Chaplin?" Yugi asked. Chaplin nodded, once again flailing his arms.

Han rolled his eyes. "Okay, no cream or sugar. Right." Yugi said, disappearing into the kitchen.

Chaplin took out a note pad, and gestured for Gandalf to begin speaking.

"Me? Oh, right. It all started when Yugi told us that the Colonel was out committing murders, Yami mentioned that he thought him to be more of a child molester, but we didn't believe either of them."

He took it all down, motioning for Gandalf to continue.

"Yugi saw him outside his window, but Bakura and Yami didn't believe him. The Colonel somehow got inside, sneaking around. I found him in the linen closet with a knife, and we called the police."

Chaplin nodded, taking a sip of his coffee. He flailed his arms yet again, and it took awhile before they finally understood him.

"Oh! The Colonel picks up on every thirteenth caller, goes to their address and kills them... But.. You still don't have... Chicken?"

He shook his head. "A pen?" "Cd player!" "A bathroom?"

The houshare began calling out all sorts of answers.

"A duck?" "A precious?" "A motive, yes?" Yoda said slowly. "Exactly!" Chaplin cried, immediately realizing his mistake and clamping a hand over his mouth.

"Wait a minute! You could talk all along, and made us look like idiots?" Han roared. Chaplin flailed his arms.

"No, No. None of that! Talk to me!" "He's a silent movie star! If he talks, they'll fire him." Chaplin nodded.

"But he doesn't work for them anymore! No silent films exist!" "Han, just calm down-" "Is he- He's making faces at me!" "Han!" "Alright, quiet boy, out you go!" Han picked up Chaplin by the back of his suit, throwing him out the front door.

"I believe I had a hat!" Han chucked it at him, the hat landing at his feet as he picked himself up. "Get off of our property!" "I'm suing!" Chaplin shouted at the closed door.

"I can't stop talking! There I go! I'm still doing it! Make it stop, there I go again! AHHH!"

WITTY PHANTOM: There's a very important message here, reader. Never trust old men with goatees, and don't open the door for Charlie Chaplin.

RAY: That's not the message!

WITTY PHANTOM: Really? *Turns around* Pray tell, what is it then?

RAY: *proudly* Never trust old men with goatees, don't open the door for Charlie Chaplin and never, never go within ten feet of a gingerbread house.

WITTY PHANTOM: That's exactly what I said!

RAY: Nothing about Gingerbread!

WITTY PHANTOM: But-

RAY: Shush!

WITTY PHANTOM: Don't you tell me to-

RAY: Quiet!

WITTY PHANTOM: *glaring* Fine, you win.

RAY: *all happy* YAY!

WITTY PHANTOM: I'd best let you go now, reader. And remember, never trust old men with goatees, Charlie Chaplin should not be dealt with, and nothing good comes from gingerbread.

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Shadi and T are tying Johnny Tightlips to a chair. As they move across the dusty floor, their shoe prints and bits of rope spell the words "Elton in Pieces."

T: Tell them to Read and Review!

JT: I ain't saying nothing!


	18. Elton In Pieces

KAIBA: *knocking on the window * HEY!

SHADI: Kaiba! How's it going?

KAIBA: Let me in! Fan girls are running me down!

T: Get in!

Kaiba jumps in the window, and the ground shakes violently, rattling the plates on the walls. Suddenly, everything goes back to normal.

KAIBA: That was close!

SHADI: *sigh * I wish I was that popular!

T: Stop your bellyaching!

KAIBA: I don't care if the fic is weird or insane! I want in! The fan girls are scaring me!

Shadi and T exchange glances.

SHADI: About that…

T: Um… Well, you see… This fic is prewritten.

KAIBA: What?

T: Hell ya. How else could I get three chapters up in one day? I started this thing around Christmas on my DOS computer, and I copied it to this one. Now I write the preludes with Shadi, and upload them. That way I make sure I finish it.

KAIBA: Well, can I stay with you guys then? They're starting to work together.

SHADI: Why not. You get the disclaimers.

T: Wait!

All stare

T: *pulls off mask* I really am Takahashi! *Shadi pulls off the second mask * …or not.

KAIBA: T is not Takahashi, Elton John, Lucas, The South Park Guys, or Tolkien. That would make for some personality disorder!

T: WHY does everyone say that?

Chapter Eighteen

ELTON IN PIECES

Thunder cracked outside, and the rain and sleet poured down in heavy sheets, so that nothing could be seen out of the windows.

Gandalf lit the end of his staff, as the power had gone out. Everyone was crowded in the living room, bored out of his or her mind.

"What're we gonna do? The storm isn't going to let up soon. We have nothing to do!"

"I can think of something that can be done in the dark." Elton said, leaning on Elrond, who hastily pulled away. Elton rolled his eyes. "Music." "Boring." "But-" "Boring." Yami Bakura repeated. "He's right you know. We can only listen to Candle in the Wind so many times." Yami Yugi said.

"Fine. Anyone else have any bright ideas?" Elton huffed. "I think I saw a puzzle around here somewhere. We could always light a few candles. It would pass the time."

Everyone shrugged. "I guess we could do that." Han said, journeying to the cellar for more candles.

Leia rummaged around under the couch, pulling out a box covered in a thick layer of dust. "Hey, there's a card attached! To The Witty Phantom, Merry Christmas, Martha Stewart. It's dated three years ago!"

"Would you blame him?" Elrond muttered. "The picture's all torn! I don't know what the puzzle is." Leia said, frustrated.

"One way to find out." Yugi said, clearing the table. Han returned with the candles, and the houseshare began piecing the puzzle together.

They had been at it for about an hour, when it finally started to take shape. "Hey, it looks like someone sitting at a piano!" Tea exclaimed. " I think you're right." Yami Bakura observed, placing a few more pieces down.

They continued on for another hour, Cartmen falling asleep at the table. Elton was sipping some brandy, and Gandalf was fighting hard to stay awake.

"I don't believe it! The four pieces that make up the face are missing!" Han said, slamming his fist down on the table. " If that hadn't happened, we'd be done." Yugi sighed. "Seems like such a waste. Two whole hours!"

"I say it's time this foolish toy went to the shadow realm!"

"Easy, Yami, Easy." Bakura said, holding his Yami back.

"I suppose you're right. I'll save my strength for other things." he said. He took a handful of pretzels and popped them into his mouth. Elrond did so as well.

Suddenly, Elrond began coughing and choking. Clearing his throat loudly, he spat the object onto the floor, and bent down to pick it up. When he did this, Elton made a point to look at his backside.

"You turn your gaze away this instant, Curr, or I'll make sure this makes a journey right up your-"

"Elrond!" Tea exclaimed, gripping his wrist. "You found one of the puzzle pieces!" " Or on it choked, yes." Yoda said with a snicker. Elrond snapped it in, glaring at Han who laughed. "Really now, what idiot chokes on a pretzel!"

"Now for the other three." Leia sighed. Everyone looked around, until Yugi cried out, pointing to Gandalf.

"Look, in his beard!" " I'm not getting it." Legolas said, wrinkling his nose. "He once had a chicken wing in there for a week." Everyone looked at one another, before Yugi sighed. "I'll get it." Daintily, he reached into Gandalf's beard, pulling it out. Gandalf woke with a start.

"Balrog! Oh.. Hello Yugi." He replied sheepishly.

Elrond rolled his eyes, shaking his head. "Honestly, all of that hobbit weed has fried your brain." "It has not!" Gandalf protested, knocking Elton's glass out of his hand.

A soggy puzzle piece flopped onto the table. "Just one more and we'll know!" Leia said excitedly. Jabba began gurgling, and Elrond nodded. "He's found the last piece."

"Where?" "In Cartmen's mouth."

Everyone looked in disgust at Cartmen. His mouth was open wide, and a deep puddle of drool was on the table. He was snoring loudly, the strings of slobber swaying in the breeze.

Elrond sighed loudly, rolling up his sleeve. He winced, rummaging around in Cartmen's slime filled mouth before pulling out the piece.

Everyone gagged as he flung it into place, wiping his hand off on his robes. "Well, what is it a picture of?" Han said, and they all crowded around the table.

"I can't believe we wasted our time on this!" Tea roared, looking at the completed puzzle, which was in fact a picture of Elton.

" Hey clammy! I guess now you can say that you choked on a piece of Elton!" Cartmen laughed, banging his fist on the table.

"You're dead!" Elrond roared, racing after him. Gandalf sighed heavily, as the lights flicked on. "At least the power's on."

"What did it taste like? Cardboard, naturally- Oh, Oh I see! You perverted child!" Elrond hollered. A sickening crash was heard, and Cartmen laughed hysterically. Everyone winced.

"I don't get it." Legolas confessed, blinking.

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SHADI: Come on, Kaiba! Belly dance with us!

KAIBA: No.. Well… Okay.

Kaiba joins in, tossing his briefcase to the ground. Papers fly out, spelling the words "Read and review"

WRESTLING ANNOUNCER: Up next, next next! The nun infestation! Infestation! Infestation!

T: where the hell did that come from?

WRESTLING ANNOUNCER: *pause * you mean this isn't the arena?

SHADI: *belly dancing * No.

WRESTLING ANNOUNCER: Damn you Bill, Bill, Bill! For those crappy instructions! Instructions! Instructions! OH YEAH!


	19. The Nun Infestation

SHADI: what's this? "If you want to be my intern"?

T: Oh yeah! That's another Parody. It's great.

KAIBA: I've heard that one!

KAIBA & T & SHADI: I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I really really really wanna do a young chick! If you want my future, forget my past! If you wanna sleep with me, better cover my ass! Come to the west wing, and we'll spend some time, totally denying and we'll be just fine! I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I really really really wanna do a young intern! If you wanna be my lover, you gotta lie to the press! If Hilary should find out, it will be a mess! If you wanna see the Whitehouse, you must give me sex! You can't tell nobody cause I'm the president! Huh, what'cha think about that? Now let's make a deal. You Sure are cute...heh.. What'd you tell congress, that I asked 'are your breasts real?

You look so tasty, you caught my eye, if you bug our phone calls then I'll say bye bye! If you wanna be my mistress, you gotta keep your mouth shut, You can't tell Janet Reno that I just grabbed your butt! If you wanna be my girlfriend, you can't spill your guts! I know I'll be re-elected, but I still need my sluts!

T: THIS SONG IS NOT OUR OPINION! BUT IT IS FUNNY!

KAIBA: I love that song. Hilarious.

T: Hilarious.

SHADI: You just said you wanted to do a chick! XD

T: I was singing the song, shut up! *Turns her back and pouts*

KAIBA: Nice going.

SHADI: Shut up, disclaimer boy!

KAIBA: Rrrrr… T doesn't own any of the latter, nor does she want to be an intern.

Chapter Nineteen

THE NUN INFESTATION

"Hello All." Yami Bakura said with a smirk, coming into the living room. Tea glared at him, and the others said nothing. "Whatever's the matter?" He asked gleefully.

"I found your little surprise." Tea hissed violently, throwing three dead leeches at his feet. " You think that was me?" He said, with an air of innocence.

"They didn't swim up the drain into the tub!" She screamed. "Now now!" Legolas said. "Bloodletting is a very good beauty secret!" Everyone stared at him.

"Yeah. In how to look and act like a poofter monthly." Han muttered. " Burn!" Yami Bakura said. "Shut up." He replied. Gandalf, not wanting for a quarrel to start, flipped on the television.

"Let's see what's on." He said with a nervous laugh. "Hmm... The Mcdoogle's down three cents." "Mcdoogle?" Yugi asked in perplexity.

" Yes, McDonald's now has it's own currency. It's accepted in many different countries worldwide, Especially In the McNugget Isles."

"Too far they go, yes." Yoda said sadly, and they nodded. " I can remember when Sauron replaced our currency with seashells." Elrond said. "Not something you'd expect from the Lord of Darkness, naturally- Get your hand out of my pocket, Elton!" "You're no fun!" Elton crossed his arms in a pout.

"Hello, I'm Meter Pansbridge, not Peter Mansbridge. We bring you an important news bulletin, entitled, Bad Habit..."

Everyone stopped to listen. "Honestly, who writes these things? Oh, it's you George. How many people are going to know that a habit is what nuns wear? Huh? They're a bunch of halfwits! Our viewers wouldn't know good news if it kicked them in the ass!" Meter Ranted.

Gandalf shook his head. "He used to be such a great anchor, until he found his wife with the weatherman." He switched off the TV, just as the doorbell rang.

"Now who could that be?" Elton said. "How the fuck should I know?" "I was thinking out loud!" "You think?" Shaking his fist at Cartmen, Elton walked over to the front door and pulled it open.

There was a tremendous crash of thunder, which shook the earth, and the rain poured down. A blinding flash of lightning illuminated the silhouettes of their many hooded guests. The flash died away, and the hooded person on the doorstep turned their face to him, smiling from ear to ear.

" Good Night, good Sir. We are the Sisters of Saint Saintly, on our way to the National Nuns convention when our bus broke down. May we pass the next night with you until it is repaired?" She asked in a sweet voice.

Elton looked over his shoulder at the others, who nodded. "Of course." He replied with a smile.

"Bless you, child. Come along, sisters!" She entered the house, and twelve more followed. Elton was just about to shut the door when a sea of black and white robes burst through it, pushing him to the wall. The nuns kept on coming, filling the entire first floor. Elton could barely shut the door.

Yami Bakura, who was breathing heavily and wide eyed, suddenly gave a blood curdling scream and bolted up the stairs, slamming the door to his room.

"That was odd." Han said, clearing his throat. "Anyways, sorry to hear about your predicament, sisters. Feel free to stay with us as long as you like."

A thousand 'Thanks' and 'Bless yous' washed over them like a wave. "Creepy." Yugi said, shivering.

"Well, it's getting late." Leia said, attempting to stretch but knocking into several nuns in the process, murmuring apologies. "We'd better hit the sack. Goodnight." "Goodnight and god bless!" The nuns proclaimed in one voice. "You're right, that is weird." Leia said, turning to Yugi.

"Yami, the nuns aren't after you!" Bakura said soothingly. "Go to sleep!" "I know it, Ryou, they're plotting against me!" "We're talking about nuns here, not ex cons." Yugi said with a yawn. "Bakura's right, there's nothing to worry about."

"Oh, isn't that typical! Who was the only one who believed you about the Colonel, Yugi?" He hissed. "Never mind. I can see I'm not wanted." He spat, getting up and walking stiffly out the door.

Shivering, Yami Bakura sat at the top of the stairs.

"Perhaps they're right. Perhaps it was only that one priestess that was truly evil... Beating me with her ruler when I got the hymn to Osiris wrong. How was I supposed to know it spoke of the Nile and not Bile? Who could memorize that much anyways!" He said to himself.

"I should try to get over it. She's been dead for millennia... I need a drink! Coffee, to be precise. If I can observe these nuns, then I'll know for certain.." He said, carefully creeping down the stairs.

He ducked and weaved through the sleeping nuns, who all stood as still as statues in the living room. He felt the sweat beading on his brow. A few more paces and he'd make it...

He ran, and in his haste bumped into a nun. Her eyes flew open, and as if they were telekinetic, the eyes of every nun in the room shot open, fixated on him.

"Sorry, just going to get a glass of water." He lied. "No, you weren't." One said, stepping up to him. "Does something trouble you, my son?" A second asked, stepping closer. "Nothing troubles me, sister, nothing at all." He said with a nervous laugh.

"Talk to us." The first said with a warm smile. "Yes, tell us!" They proclaimed. "It's nothing, nothing at all!" He said, his chest heaving. Yami Bakura backed up slowly, the nuns still looking at him. His back touched the wall, and there was nowhere else to go.

"You can tell us, yes, tell us!" They all chorused, the black and white robed walls of human flesh closing in on him. Yami bakura uttered one short yelp, and the night was silent once more.

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T: Let's sing the lumberjack song!

Kaiba and Shadi groan.

T: I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay, I sleep all night and I work all day! I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, and I go to the lavatory! On Wednesdays I go shopping and have buttered scones for-

KAIBA: *clamps hand over her mouth* that's enough for now!

SHADI: Up next, Bad Habits, and don't forget to read and review!


	20. Bad Habits

T: *humming * Young man! There's no need to feel down! I Say young man, get yourself off the ground, I say young man! Cause you're in a new town, there's no need to be unhappy! DOO DOO DOO DOO! Young man, there's a place you can go, I say young man, if you're short on your dough, you can stay there, and I'm sure you will find many ways to have a good time! IT'S FUN TO STAY AT THE YMCA! IT'S FUN TO STAY AT THE YMCA-A-A!

SHADI: *clamps hand over her mouth * that's enough from the peanut gallery for now, 'kay?

KAIBA: *sigh* T does not own any of the following. Ah, crap! You've got that song in my head now!

Chapter 20

BAD HABITS?

"I wonder where Yami is? He never came back to bed." Bakura said worriedly. "I hope he's alright." "You should worry more about the nuns." Yugi smirked. "With him around, they might think we're all nuts."

"That's right! I had forgotten about them!" Bakura said, slapping his forehead. "I wonder if they slept well, all cramped in the living room like that."

They dressed; meeting the entire houseshare, save for Yami Bakura, at the top of the stairs.

"Excuse me, pardon me, sorry sister..." Han said, trying not to shove his way through. "What happened to Yami Bakura?" Yami Yugi asked sternly, but no one knew.

"I wonder where he's gotten to." Tea said, and Elrond nodded, before a sour expression formed on his face.

"Get your hand out of my pocket, Elton." "It's not me!"

"You're lying! Don't blame it on the nuns!" He said, ripping Elton's hand from his back pocket. "Worth a shot." Elton said with a shrug, following the others into the living room.

With everyone on the first floor, the nuns had sat down on the steps and on the banister, several still standing in the living room.

"Have any of you seen Yami Bakura?" "Praise the lord!" A voice cried, and the nuns all replied at once, grinning. Yami Bakura bounded into the room, completely clothed in black and clutching a hymnbook.

Their mouths dropped open, and it was so silent that one could hear the fly that landed on the lampshade several yards away.

"Y-Yami Bakura?" He nodded cheerfully. "Why are you dressed like that?" Han asked blankly. "Because I've seen the light!" Yami exclaimed, holding the hymnbook to his chest. "The nuns taught me all of the things I had been missing in my old ways, love, friendship, patience, and the love for all things great and small."

"He's really gone off the deep end." Legolas said, shaking his head sadly. "Now now!" The head nun said, placing a hand on Yami's shoulder. "Your friend has learned that there is more to life then cruelty and malice. He used to be blind, but now he can see." She said, and slowly all of the nuns, including Yami, began singing Amazing Grace.

The rest of the houseshare, completely terrified, ran from the room and into the cellar.

"Okay... Okay... Okay..." Tea said, wringing her hands. "Can you say something else then okay?" Yami Yugi asked, very much annoyed. "That's it. I'm taking charge of this meeting." Elrond said, clearing his throat.

"Yami Bakura has obviously been changed by these nuns, and it's very scary, but think. Do we really want the old one back?"

"You know," Ryou said softly. " I never thought I'd miss him waking me up by dousing me with cold water, but now I do!"

"So then we want the old Yami back?" Everyone nodded. "Logically..." Elrond began, stroking his chin and pacing. "If they were able to change him, he can be changed back!" "That's great! How?" "I don't know that yet. But if we can kidnap and drag him down here, perhaps they're would be a better chance of figuring that out."

"Great idea!" Legolas said enthusiastically, pumping his fist in the air and bolting up the cellar stairs. Jabba muttered and gurgled, Elrond and Gandalf with their heads in their hands.

"Never understands the gravity of the situation, does he?"

A cell phone rang. "Hello?" All of the nuns said, picking up. They sheepishly looked at one another before hanging up, the head nun smiling. "Really, that's great! Sisters, the bus has been fixed!" She proclaimed, and they all cheered.

"Well, we'd best be off." She said, turning to Yami Bakura. "So soon?" He asked, slightly saddened.

"Oh, don't feel badly! We'll always remember you."

" And I you. Thanks for everything." "You're welcome! Goodbye, and God bless!" they chorused, trooping out the door.

"The Waterses! Look at the Waterses!" Gollum hissed in horror, the water inside the glass trembling, as if disturbed, some far off manifestation getting closer.

"They are coming." Gandalf said gravely, leaning on his staff. The sound of thousands of running feet washed over them, and all was silent, the water in the glass returning to it's calm state.

"Why is there a glass of water on this dusty old card table, anyways?" Han said, picking it up and knocking it back.

"It was to catch the drips from the pipes, Han." Leia explained, rolling her eyes. "Did taste a little rusty." He said, smacking his lips. Everyone groaned.

"Good day and May the peace be with all of you." Yami Bakura said cheerfully, coming down the stairs. Yami Yugi, Bakura and Han jumped him, dragging him over to a chair in the centre of the room. Elrond duct taped him there, and they all stood back.

"What is this?" He asked, astonishingly calm.

"Spill it, good boy!" Gandalf said, slamming his hand down on the card table. "You'll have to excuse him, he's got a temper." Legolas said, holding him back.

"Ah, the good cop bad cop routine. Very clever." Elrond said, nodding slowly.

"Spill what?" "You know what I'm talking about!" Gandalf roared. "Gandalf, please, he obviously doesn't know anything." "Got that right." Han said loudly. Yami Bakura's eyes flickered for a moment, before returning to their eerie niceness.

"Wait..." Elrond proclaimed, holding his hand up at Gandalf and Legolas. "Oh, I get to be the good cop?" "No way!" Legolas cried. "I'm the good cop!" "Jealous." "Of you, as if!" The blond elf snorted, flipping his hair.

"Enough!" Elrond said. "There will be no more of this... Folly! Han, Yami seemed to respond when you made your comment. I leave the floor to you." " What floor?" Elrond shook his head. "Just insult him!" "Something I'm good at!" Han said gleefully, standing in front of Yami and cracking his knuckles.

"Now, I'm not saying you're an idiot, Yami, but you are three bearded ladies short of a freak show." Yami took a deep breath. "That's alright, Han, I forgive you."

"Keep trying!" Elrond urged, and Han obeyed.

"Hey, what happened to your face, did a truck run over it, or did you get beaten with the ugly stick as a child? Still nothing!" He called back, and rage seemed to boil inside him.

" Now listen here, you white haired freak! Ryou's worried about you, and the others want you back to normal. Not me, I could care less, frankly. Stop it with this nice bullshit, and return to the cold hearted, insane, cocky, violent shmuck you were before! Who replaced your toothpaste with hemroid cream? Me! That's right! Me! What're you gonna do about it, wussy boy!"

Gradually, as the words sank in, the warmth and niceness in Yami's eyes died away. A hardened and psychotic glare replaced this, and he glared directly at Han. The sneer returned to his lips, and the vein in the side of his head bulged.

" Han, you halfwit!" He roared, breaking free of the duct tape and chasing him around the room, cursing with his arms outstretched.

"You're back!" Bakura cried, hugging him. "Later, Ryou, I've got the two o'clock pant load to deal with!" He screamed, shoving him aside and proceeding to strangle Han.

" Elrond, I think you'll be the next Dr. Phil." Tea said with a smile, which quickly faded as she saw Han's face turning purple.

"Yami let go of him!" "Not a chance! Not so tough are you solo, Solo?"

/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-

KAIBA: Why is there so much singing?

T: *swirl eyes * Singing… is … fun!

SHADI: *rips off her headphones * I told you there's nothing but subliminal messages in these Alvin and Chipmunks tapes!

KAIBA: one thing I don't get about that… The dad's human and his kids are chipmunks. How'd that happen?

SHADI: Adoption?

T: You HOPE. He could've hey-heyed * inappropriate gesture with lower half of body * with a chipmunk.

All three shudder

KAIBA: How the hell do we get onto these topics?

SHADI: I… Don't know.

T: What I know is, don't listen to those chipmunk tapes! I listened to one three times in a row, and it sounded like they were plotting revenge on the human race on the fourth.

Kaiba and Shadi stare

KAIBA: Yeah… She's nuts. Okay, read and review "The Tell Tale Squirrel" is next.

T: DON'T LET THE SQUIRRELS NEAR YOUR NUTS! BEWARE THE COLORECTAL SURGEON!


	21. The Tell Tale Squirrel

It was many and many a year ago,  
In a country by the sea,  
That a maiden there lived whom you may know  
By the name of PIRATE DUKE T;  
And this maiden she lived with no other thought  
Than to write fanfictions funny.

This maiden author, she was a child,  
In this country by the sea;  
And she wrote with characters that were not owned  
By her, by PIRATE DUKE T;  
With characters other writers and directors  
Had thought of long before she.

And this was the reason that, long ago,  
In this country by the sea,  
A lawsuit appeared in the mailbox  
Threatening the PIRATE DUKE T;  
So that high-powered lawyers came  
And did demand that she  
Write a long disclaimer ensuring peace  
In this country by the sea.

Chapter 21

THE TELL TALE SQUIRREL

It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and Elrond was chasing Cartmen around the back yard after being drenched with the hose.

Everyone was profiting from the nice day, even Yami Bakura. Since everyone was outside, he had the opportunity to go through everyone's things and without getting caught.

Laughing deviously to himself, he dumped an entire box of itching powder into Han's underwear drawer, supergluing his deoderant to the dresser.

"That ought to teach him." He muttered, dusting off his hands on his jeans. Suddenly, an odd twitering noise reached his ears. He followed it, ending up just outside Leia and Tea's room.

"What the bloody-" He exclaimed, as an acorn bounced off his forehead. Picking up the small brown nut, another hit him in the side of the head. A chattering almost like laughter came from his left.

"Ah, Nuts. I've heard about you." The squirrel was none other then Tea's pet. Yami Bakura grinned deviously, stuffing both acorns back into the cage. "Imagine, a stupid rodent throwing things at me." He snickered.

The squirrel, obviously understanding this, pelted the back of his head, chattering insanely. "Laugh at me, will you?" He roared, slipping on one of the nuts as he turned around. The squirrel chattered loudly, waving it's behind at Yami Bakura.

"That's it! Time to teach you a lesson, you filthy vermin!" He stormed over to the cage, violently hitting the bars. The vibrations choursed through the cage, and the squirrel fell over. Unfortunatly for Yami, the door was jotled open, and the squirrel jumped out, vicously clawing and biting him.

Screaming like a madman, Yami Bakura ran around the room, the squirrel still attached to his face. Unable to see, he ran into the table, which held the cage, falling backwards but free of the squirrel.

"Not so tough are you?" He panted, glaring at the motionless rodent. "Nuts?"

Utter silence.

Yami Bakura began to panic. He tenderly picked the water dish, gasping when he looked into it's cold, lifeless eyes.

"What have I done! Tea's going to have my head for this!" He said, wringing his hands. "Crushed by the water dish he loved so dearly, isn't that always the way. But wait.. If I clean up the room, put things back where they were and place it in the cage, no one will know..."

Moving like a white tornado, Yami Bakura shot around the room, picking things up and placing them back. He picked up the dead squirrel, looking at the cage, then the rodent, the cage, then the rodent, cage, rodent, cage-.

" No... I'll burry it. I'll hide it somewhere, seeming like it had escaped. Better lost then dead, I always say."

Chuckling oddly, Yami Bakura looked around the room, finally spying a loose floorboard. "Bingo." He tore it up, and gently placed the squirrel into the tiny space. He fixed the borad, and left the cage door open, dashing from the room just as someone came up the stairs.

"What happened to my nuts?" Tea screamed, and everyone in the living room looked up, startled and perplexed. "I didn't think she had any." Han said. "Something you learn new, yes, day every." Yoda replied with a shudder.

"Guys!" Tea called, running down the stairs. "Nuts is gone!" there was an uncomfortable silence before Gandalf spoke up.

"Oh, your squirrel whose name is Nuts." Everyone exchanged glances. "What did you think I meant?" Tea asked angrily. "Nothing!" Everyone choroused.

So far so good. Yami thought, smugly following the others up the stairs. "I don't understand! I thought that I'd locked the cage!" Tea wailed, and Leia patted her on the back.

Yami Bakura, feeling quite complacent and satisfied, stood right on top of the squrriel's place of burrial. As they continued on talking, a small noise attracted Yami's attention. Like... Chattering.

He shook his head. You're just imagining it! He thought, as it grew louder.

" What's the matter Yami? You look worried." Yugi asked. "Nothing worries me." He said with a fake smile. The chattering grew louder.

"You look guilty." "Me? You're an idiot." He said, with a wave of his hand. Steadily, the volume increased, until it was almost deafening. "Do you hear that?" "Hear what?"

"Nevermind." He said, feeling the sweat bead on his brow. "Are you sure you're fine?" "Yes!" He screamed. "Stop asking me things!" Yugi was taken aback, and stepped back slowly.

The chattering was deafening now, it's speed growing, the pitch increasing, until a long shrill shriek rang in Yami Bakura's ears, the others staring at him. They most certainly knew. Nuts had given it away!

"AHHH! It's the chattering of the demonic squirrel!" Yami screamed, falling to his knees with his hands over his ears. "It was me, I did it! I did it! Just make it stop!"

"You killed my Nuts?" Tea roared, taking him by the shirt. Cartmen snickered, and so did Bakura. "Shut up!" She called, turning back to Yami Bakura with a terrifying angry glare.

"It was an accident, I swear! I came in here because I heard it, and it threw acorns at me! The cage was knocked open and Nuts attacked me. But I didn't kill him! He went flying and the water dish crushed him!"

Tea sighed. "He loved that dish. It's okay, Yami. I was going to let him go tomorrow anyways."

"Once upon a midnight dreary, as I pondered weak and weary, over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore-"

"Who the hell are you?" Han asked, blinking wildly at the sight of the tall, dark haired but strangely pale man.

"I am Edgar Allen Poe, good sir." He said, turning to Yami Bakura. "How'd you get here?" He asked, but was ignored.

"Now, was the chattering of the squirrel merely a figment of your imagination? Or was it actually speaking, calling out from beyond the grave, the icy darkness of the afterlife? Those who think, not less those who feel deeply, have advocated the existence of the latter. Perhaps the squirrel was out for revenge, wanting to make it eerily clear as crystal who his assailant was. Perhaps it was just the echoes of guilt, deep within your soul..." He paused, looking around the room gravely. "One does not, nor will not, ever know for certain. Now!" he said, clapping his hands and startling everyone.

"Would any of you care for a cask of Amontillado? I believe there's one in the cellar, if you'll follow me."

Their eyes widened, fear striking them. They knew how it would end if they said-

"Sure! Whoa, I didn't think we had any booze." Han said, gleefully rubbing his hands together.

"Han, no!"

"Certainly. But I assure you, once you taste this wine, you'll never taste another!" "It's that good?"

The other members of the houshare screamed.

"I implore you to reconsider your decision. No? Then I must give you the little attentions of my power."

A twisted smile spread on Poe's face, and his small, throaty chuckle grew to terrifying proportions. "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!"


	22. Hey Hey Hey! It's A 'Haunted' Tape

T: Elton John, everybody!

ELTON: *Extremely displeased* Yes... Well.

T: So, Mr. John- or can I call you Elty?

ELTON: Actually it's 'Sir Elton Joh-

T: Elty, I understand you're none too pleased about finding yourself in this story.

ELTON: I most certainly am not! I find it greatly offensive that you have not only paired a real person such as myself with all kinds of fictional men-

T: *Whispering to Shadi* Hugo Weaving is a real man, isn't he?

SHADI: *Shrugs* He's from Australia, he might be a merman.

T: No more 'Sabrina the Teenage Witch' specials for you.

ELTON: Excuse me!

T: It's just that I thought you and Elrond- Hugo Weaving- would make such a pair. He was 'Priscilla, Queen of the Desert' and you're...

All three look up at the screeching, smoking tires:

TIRE 1: SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!

TIRE 2: We're smoking!

The tires belong to a bold red bicycle, off of which jumps a man in a flashing siren helmet and a dark blue uniform.

MAN: Freeze! Politically Correct Police! What you're about to say is offensive, and not at all Politcally Correct.

T: But... But... All I was going to say is that-

MAN: *Blowing a tin whistle* Stop! Cease and desist.

T: He was 'Priscilla, Queen of The Desert' and you're equally as fond of spangly costumes.

MAN: *Pointing his finger at T* That's right. You've been warned, keep your nose clean.

Hopping back on his bicycle, he rides into the sunset, the theme from Gunsmoke issuing loudly from somewhere unseen.

ELTON: As I was saying, it's wholly inapproriate for you to be putting me with so many men when I am a married man.

T: No you're not.

ELTON: Yes, I am.

T: No you're not.

ELTON: Yes. I am.

T: Nooo, no you're not.

ELTON: *Flashing his wedding band* Married!

T: *Pushing his hand aside* Very nice, but you're not. See this? *Leans far over and taps on an invisible wall* We're trapped inside a time bubble. The story you're complaining about was written years ago, back when you were single. The fact that you're married now doesn't effect what's being posted, because...

SHADI: *Pushing his face up against the wall, puffing his cheeks* Tiiiiiiime Bubble!

ELTON: Doesn't the fact that I'm sitting here now, discussing this story with you now, inside this 'Time Bubble' as you call it mean that everything outside the sphere is the past, and this is in fact the present and I am married?

T: .

SHADI: .

T: Time Bubble.

ELTON: That's not an answer!

T: I can't give you an answer, because if I do... You'll never have been born.

ELTON: That doesn't even make sense.

T: All right, all right. You're right.

ELTON: Thank you.

T: We're having this conversation in the future.

SHADI: Dun dun dun!

ELTON: *Scarlet with rage* I demand to know-

T: *Big smile* Whether we own the rights to these characters? We most certainly do not!

SHADI: *Holding up a sign reading 'Disclaimer'* T, Pirate Duke of Leprachuans, does not own South Park, LOTR, Star Wars, Yu-Gi-Oh, or any of the rest. If you know the character or the series, you know it doesn't belong to her.

ELTON: Yes excuse me, hello. Hello!

Chapter 22

HEY HEY HEY! IT'S A 'HAUNTED' TAPE!

"So... Bored!" Yugi whined, falling backwards onto the couch with a flop. "Agree I do." Yoda croaked, nodding solemnly. A low growl from Chewie broke the long silence that followed.

Rain poured down outside, beating furiously against the windows, the wind howling like a thousand wolves. Suddenly, the front door banged open on its hinges, and Yami Bakura stood there, laughing manically to himself.

"He's really gone off his rocker." Han muttered. Yami leered at him, but didn't answer, grinning. He waved a black plastic container in the air, which read 'The Movies For People Who Like Movies'" store.

"Look what I have!" He said in a singsong voice. "Ooh, A movie! Which one?" Leia asked excitedly. "Well," Yami Bakura began with a shrug. "The man at the store didn't say much. The box was lost a long time ago, and it's unmarked. He just started screaming and rambling on about how it's haunted. Something about a girl and her horse." He continued with a wink. "Hey Hey Hey!" Han said with a suggestive laugh, giving him the thumbs up sign. "For once I think you made a good choice, freak."

He ignored the last part, popping it into the VCR. "Uh, guys, if it's haunted, do you think we should watch it?" Tea said. "Oh, hush." Gandalf said, waving a hand at her. Everyone stared. "What? Am I not allowed to be rude once in a while?" He huffed.

"I do hope it's like that farmer's daughter website!" Yami Bakura said with a laugh, high fiving Han. "Who would've thought?" Elrond murmered. "That the one thing they could agree on is pornography." "Down in front, clammy!" Cartman called, whacking Elrond in the back of the head with a drumstick. "Someday... Sometime..." Elrond growled, digging his nails into his kneecaps.

Legolas pressed play, and they began to watch.

"Hey!" Yami Bakura exclaimed, watching the small girl in a nightgown crawl out of a well. "I didn't pay for any Micheal Jackson (*) type thrills!" "Nice going, dumbass." Han groaned. Everyone, even Yami Bakura screamed, in seeing the girl's face.

"Get off me, Elton!" "Hold me Elrond!" "No!" He said, pulling away like Elton was infested with smallpox.

"I'm confused." Yami Yugi said. "Did the girl force her horse to watch the ring, and then it died? Her mother got mad and killed her? Her father was a horse rapist?"

"I don't think that was the point of the film." Leia said slowly. "It didn't have a point!" Tea exclaimed, ripping the tape from the machine. "It's pointless and stupid! There's no way you could get a phone call and-"

She trailed off as the phone rang. The simple, buzzing ring striking fear into their hearts.

"You pick up!" "No, you!" After about ten minutes of fighting, the phone had stopped ringing. "Phew." They all said, wiping the sweat from their brows, before screaming and jumping a foot in the air as it rang again.

Gandalf, with a shaking hand, picked up. "Seven Days!"

They yelled bloody murder, and Gandalf slammed the phone down on the hook.

"What do we do?" Yugi wailed. "I don't know! I honestly don't know!" Yami Yugi said dramatically, and both struck a Titanic-like pose. The rest of the houseshare edged away slowly.

"Let's just get to bed. Maybe she won't show up." Leia suggested. "We have seven days, at least." Everyone agreed, and, with heavy hearts, made their way to bed.

The normal creaks and groans of the house seemed louder then ever to the wide-eyed houshare, keeping them up half the night. Footsteps in the hallway at midnight startled them, but were relived when they went down the stairs.

A long, ear-shattering scream came from the living room. Panic stricken, they raced down the stairs, to find Yami Yugi as white as a ghost in the living room. "The- the-the-" He stammered, pointing a shaking finger at the coffee table.

"THE RING!" He screamed, grabbing onto Yami Bakura.

Everyone gasped, and Yami Bakura laughed hysterically.

"Honestly, Pharaoh. You made that ring by not using a coaster!"

Yami Yugi blinked. "Coa..Ster? What is this new invention of which you speak?" Everyone groaned, his or her hearts beating a mile a minute. "So it's not the ring?" Yami Yugi said sheepishly. "No!" They all exclaimed.

"A little nervous, Pharoah? Chicken!" Yami Bakura said with a laugh, a girlish squeal following as the floorboards creaked, and he grabbed onto Bakura.

"Idiot." Han muttered, before his eyes went wide. "ARGH! THE ICY HAND OF DEATH IS UPON ME!" "Sorry." Gandalf muttered sheepishly, taking his hand away.

Grumbling and muttering at their stupidity, they made their way back upstairs, sleeping restlessly for the remainder of the night.

Cartmen whistled to himself, making his way up the stairs to the bathroom. The house was still dark, and although he knew he had nothing to fear, he was indeed afeared. Shadows danced on the walls, menacing in their own way.

He put a hand on the doorknob, which was strangely warm. He pulled back, and then, convincing himself it was nothing, yanked open the door.

A bloodcurdling scream escaped from his mouth, shattering the eerie quiet. Standing before him was a soaking wet figure, brown hair covering it's face. It wore a white towel, standing in a pool of water.

Everyone rushed to the room. "What's going on?"

"Don't you knock?" The thing, it's voice very much like that of Elrond, fumed, pulling back the mass of hair to reveal... Elrond! His face was set in an angry glare, dripping wet.

"Gee, clammy, ever heard of conditioner?" Cartmen snickered, yanking on his towel, which fell to his feet.

"Yoink!" Everyone averted their gaze, but Legolas, Cartmen and Leia began laughing hysterically.

"Nice boxers!" She commented, giggling madly. Elrond blushed and looked down at his white heart print boxers, before letting out an awesome roar of rage and chasing Cartmen around the house.

Everyone shook their heads and went about their business.

Chewie was still on edge. All of this screaming at random nonsense was starting to get to him. He was starting to think that he should get his bullet-proof vest. It wouldn't do him any good, but he felt safer with it on.

Chewie went down the stairs quietly, knowing that Gollum had it for its shininess. He was still afeared of what he had seen in the video... The horrible vison of a body in the closet running through his mind. He shuddered.

It was now or never. He pulled open the door, his mouth dropping to his knees, before roaring in fear.

Legolas was dressed as a dominatrix, a whip in hand. Gollum was tied to the bed, grinning like an idiot. The others rushed to the scene. There was an uncomfortable silence...

Legolas blushed deep fuchsia. Gollum continued to grin. Yami Yugi was scowling, his hand over Yugi's eyes who was protesting about not knowing what was going on. Elrond had his hand over his eyes, ashamed that Legolas shared his culture. Chewie's mouth was wide open. Bakura and his Yami were laughing hysterically, having to hold onto one another to stay up. Tea was revolted, and Leia, who had been silent, finally succumbed to a fit of giggles. Han cleared his throat dozens of times. " Well, I'm scarred for life." He said. Jabba's mouth was wide, some of the slime oozing out of it, a funny look in his eyes.

"Degoba on, never happen this filth, yes!" yoda croaked, mortified. "Oh dear." Gandalf sighed.

The doorbell interrupted them, and they were very glad for the interruption.

Bakura pulled the door open wide, screeching like a schoolgirl and grabbing onto his Yami. A pale thing with long, frizzy hair stood there.

"Seven days!" It said, turning it's bearded and smiling face toward them, pulling off the wig.

"Take the seven day, challenge, friends! Try Goopie's shampoo and conditioner so you hair doesn't look like this!" He cried with way too much enthusiasm, wiggling the wig at them. Everyone sighed with relief, grumbling and muttering. Only Yami Bakura remained.

"Care to take the challenge, friend? If it doesn't work, we'll give you your money back!" "Are you the one who called last night?" "Yes, indeed!" The man said.

"Good." The tomb robber replied with a twisted grin. "Wait here." The man nodded, and Yami Bakura disappeared, returning some time later with a two by four.

"Goodnight, mommy." The man said, swaying and falling to the ground as Yami Bakura beaned him over the head.

"I never did like salesmen." He said with a chuckle, duct taping him to the board. "This one will make a lovely lawn ornament."

(*) Time Bubble.


	23. Bullzilla!

Two men in plaid shirts sit on opposite sides of a leather couch.

JUAN: I guess we're big stars, now, huh?

T: Would you mind telling the readers who you are? You know, so they'll know who to write their fan mail to.

JUAN: Well, I'm Juan and this is Julio. *Excitedly* We're in this chapter together.

T: That you are! Would you mind telling us a bit about yourselves?

JUAN: *Cupping his hand to his ear* Juan says [David Copperfield]

T: Is that... Is that David Copperfield?

JULIO: No hablo anglese.

JUAN: He says he doesn't speak English.

T: Ah. *Leaping up with a sudden realization* But he heard me say 'Would you mind telling us a bit about yourselves!'

Julio's eyes are shifty.

T: *Sighing* The disclaimer, please.

JUAN: T, Pirate Duke of Leprachuans, does not own LOTR, Yu-Gi-Oh, Star Wars, South Park, or any of those other things, man... Julio, I just read a disclaimer! I'm famous!

T: Riiiight.

Chapter 23

BULLZILLA!

"You guys know what today is?" Han said excitedly, grabbing the back of the couch. "It's the twentieth annual running of the bulls!"

"Exciting." Tea yawned.

"Wonderful, yes." Yoda said in a haggard manner, his eyes widening in surprise as Han snatched the remote off his lazy stomach.

"It's being televised!"

Everyone muttered under their breath.

"Fine, then, be that way." Han huffed, crossing his arms.

Yami Bakura rolled his eyes at Han, retreating upstairs as everyone else filtered out of the room.

MEANWHILE...

"Julio, I don think ze gate will hold." Juan said, pinching a steel bar on the cage of the great beast. Cupping his hand to his ear, he listened as Julio began yelling back at him in Spanish. "Hokay, hokay, you're right, is not like Bullzilla will be in there long. But Julio, what will we do if one of ze men can outrun him?"

Juan laughed manically and responded.

"Oh! We sell him to McDonald's?"

Bullzilla, who seemed to understand this, mooed loudly and his eyes became as wide as dinner plates. Throwing himself at the flimsy bars, he snapped them as easily as toothpicks and ran off into the sunset. Juan and Julio watched him go, took off their hats and stamped on them.

"At least we have ze other bulls." Juan said weakly.

Julio beckoned to him, and slapped him across the face.

"Whoa, look at that!" Yami Yugi exclaimed, watching the bulls clamber out of their cages and chase the screaming men. "This is a sport?"

"The very best!" Han replied, raising his beer in a salute.

"Can is different, Yes." Yoda said in perplexity, after deciding that he should watch the bull running to see why Han loved it so.

"This, my friend." Han began, putting an arm around Yoda. "Is a Canadian beer. Seven percent alcohol! You can't watch a Mexican sport without a frosty Canadian beer."

"Ooh!" The others sighed, admiring the large red maple leaf on Han's beer.

Little did they know that the star of the event was resting on his laurels, literally. After clambering up and defiling a rose bush, Bullzilla snorted and made his way up the driveway. Pushing his way in through the door, he trotted into the living room. The "Psycho" theme began to play, the tempo speeding up and becoming dreadfully eerie as the gigantic bull came closer to the couch...

"Play your music somewhere else!"

Muttering and grumbling, Gandalf put down his fiddle and went upstairs, completely oblivious to the large bull standing behind the couch.

Bullzilla snorted, pawing the ground. Yami Yugi's spiky head snapped around, and he stared in horror at the bull.

"Uhm... Han? You ought to have a look at this!"

"It'd better be good!" He growled. "You just made me miss some guy get- Whoa!"

Everyone turned around, staring at the bull. The bull stared back. Han blinked. Bullzilla blinked. Yami Yugi blinked. Bullzilla blinked. Yoda blinked. Bullzilla blinked. Chewie growled. Bullzilla snorted.

"Cool!" Han said gleefully. He dumped the chips from the bowl onto the coffee table, pouring two cans of beer into it before he placed it on the floor. "Here you go, boy."

Bullzilla sniffed at the foreign substance before drinking deeply from it.

"Good idea this is not." Yoda said worriedly, and Yami Yugi grunted in assent.

"Will you guys shut up!" Han called. "I'm trying to watch guys get trampled, here!"

As the racing went on, Bullzilla became more and more impaired; despite his size he had never before drunk anything as potent as Canadian beer, let alone the amount of alcohol Han had given him. Bullzilla swayed violently and gave a moo which sounded a lot like a laugh.

"Good boy!" Han said with a belch, quite drunk as well.

"Run like the wind!" Han said, and Yami Yugi, Yoda and Jabba, surrounded by beer cans, laughed. Han spilled his beer in his lap, cursed, and threatened to punch out the three gigglers unless they 'shaddap.'

Bullzilla tipped and swayed down the hall to Tea and Leia's room.

"Bakura's no fun, he'll be so mad when he wakes up."

"We just put a little make up on him, it wasn't that much." Leia sighed.

"If only we could find a willing subject." Tea sighed.

"Moo!" Bullzilla bellowed, and fell over with a tremendous crash that rattled the chandelier. Both gasped, afeared. But the fear passed, and when they noticed that the bull couldn't even stand up both grinned evilly at each other, taking their horrid cosmetics into hand...

When they had finished, Bullzilla did not look like a bull anymore. He looked a lot like a call girl from an episode of 'Cops,' one of those call girls that aren't really girls.

Again, Bullzilla gave a moo suspiciously like a laugh, and tipping out the door. Bullzilla bumped into the wall, leaving all of his make-up in a splotch carrying his last facial expression, which was one of extreme stupidity and doltish surprise. Recovering from this, he caught sight of someone.

Now, people are quite convinced that bovines can't fall in love, especially not love at first sight. But none of these people quite saw the look that Bullzilla gave Bakura.

He was sitting, slumped over his book, asleep with a peaceful expression on his face, which was coated in make-up. Bullzilla mooed quietly in approval and awe, his beady little eyes drinking in the sight of the beauty before him.

The moo woke Bakura, who put a hand to his overly done cheeks, and scowled, getting up and wandering into the bathroom, oblivious to the presence of Bullzilla.

"I can't believe they did that. It's a good thing no one saw me." The white-haired teen sighed, towelling his clean face dry. He walked into the hallway, perplexed at what he heard. Was that... Yes it was. Barry White. Barry White music coming from his room?

Bakura went up to the door, cautiously opening it.

"Great Scott! What the bloody hell?" He exclaimed. While he had been gone, red satin ones had replaced the curtains. A large heart shaped mattress lay in the middle of the floor, surrounded by candles, the only source of light in the room besides the red chilli pepper lights strung from the ceiling. A bottle of wine in a cooler lay on the mattress.

Suddenly, the door slammed shut behind him, locking. Bakura squeaked, whipping around. He saw nothing at eye level, but, gradually, he made his way halfway down, to see Bullzilla.

The great beast had a strange glint in its eyes, and it raised and lowered the fur above them in a suggestive greeting.

"This can't be happening." Bakura said, taking his head into his hands. "A bull is coming on to me!" As if to answer, Bullzilla stepped forward, the hot air from his snort blowing the rose petals on the floor into a heart.

Bakura gave a frightened yelp, his amber eyes going wide. He ran around the room, Bullzilla chasing after him.

"Look!" He said, hiding behind a chair. "You're a bull, and I'm-" He squeaked as Bullzilla playfully bit at his pant leg. "You're not my type!" He said, scared out of his wits. He tripped and fell. Bullzilla came up behind him, dragging him with his teeth by the back of his sweater to the mattress.

Frightened, Bakura found himself lying next to the great beast, it looking straight into his eyes and pawing at his chest lovingly. This was wrong! This was... This was... What WAS this? More importantly, Bakura couldn't, and didn't want to wrap his head around just how 'it' would happen.

Summoning every last bit of his strength his shaking limbs would give him he dove off of the mattress, dragging himself over to the bunk bed ladder. Bullzilla tackled him. Bakura gave a strangled cry as the bull attempted to off his pants. A terrible ripping noise sounded, and Bakura knew there was a large tear in the back of his jeans. He hauled himself up, pulling up the ladder as well.

The bull, horny and angered, began ramming the bunk bed with its head. Bakura yelled for help, but knew it certainly wouldn't come- Barry White's music was playing too loudly.

Bullzilla was ramming extremely hard. The frame creaked and groaned, starting to become dented. Alas, Bullzilla wasn't aware that this would be his own undoing. Great vibrations were sent up the floor and walls, shaking the bolt loose. The door swung open, and Yami Bakura, about to come into the room, stood staring in shock at what was going on before he laughed hysterically.

"Ryou's going to lose it to a bull!" He shrieked, holding his stomach.

"It isn't funny." Bakura whined, tearing up.

"Alright, I'm sorry." His Yami muttered, tackling Bullzilla and wrestling him to the ground. Bullzilla, much too drunk and weak to resist, lay panting on the floor, still looking at Bakura with a loving air.

"What's going- Oh my." Gandalf stated, not believing his eyes. He poked Bullzilla with his staff. Bullzilla mooed. Gandalf poked. Bullzilla mooed. Gandalf poked twice. Bullzilla gave a long, loud, moo. Gandalf poked four times, and Bullzilla matched each one.

"Curious." Gandalf murmured, turning to Bakura. "Did he try to hide the monkey?" "What?" Bakura said, blinking. His Yami was also confused. Gandalf sighed.

"Whip out his meat and two veg? Roll in the hay? Shake things up a bit? Get rowdy? Rock the casaba? Make love?" He suggested, met with blank stares.

"He's talking gibberish, get his pills." Yami Bakura hissed to his hikari.

"I'm not on drugs!" Gandalf roared. "Did the bull want to get horizontal?"

Blank stares.

"Hey hey hey!" Gandalf said, thrusting the air.

Still nothing.

Gandalf whistled, taking his hat off and spanking himself, riding his staff around the room. They went on staring at him like he was a madman as he got down on all fours, howled, and pulled his legs up behind his head. A laugh came from the doorway.

"Aww, don't stop, I wanted to see the little freak show, pointy hat." Cartmen said, and took one look around the room before proclaiming:

"Holy shit, Bakura! Did Bullzilla try to fuck you?"

"Yes." Bakura replied, a tone of fear still present in his voice.

"That's what I've been trying to ask!" Gandalf roared, stamping on his hat.

"Well, you could've said it more clearly!" Yami Bakura hissed.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Juan proclaimed, coming into the room with a long industrial chain.

"Whoa, we really are the playboy mansion!" Cartmen exclaimed.

"Eh?" Juan said, staring at him.

"Nothing." Gandalf said, clearing his throat. "Are you the owner of this bovine?"

"Eh?"

"Bullzilla!" Gandalf cried, exasperated.

"Yes, I'm here to take Bullzilla. I'm sorry about what he tried to do, young senior. Ze big bulls like him tend to swing that way. I'm Juan, and once again I apologize."

He put the chain around Bullzilla's neck, yelling curses in Spanish and tugging. The bull mooed and stood up, casting Bakura a forlorn look as it let itself be dragged out the door.

"That was-"

"Fucked!"

"Watch your language."

/\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/

T: This is nice. Real nice! *Petting the couch* What is this, Italian leather?

Juan and Julio exchange a glance.


	24. Shit! What The Fuck's With Cartmen?

T: What's this I hear about you getting us Oprah?

SHADI: I got us Oprah.

T: You did not.

SHADI: I did.

T: You did not.

SHADI: I did.

T: You did?

SHADI: I did.

T: Really?

SHADI: Yes. Come on in, Ms. Winfrey!

An obscenely fat man waddles in, his bulk squeezed into a red pencil skirt and matching blazer. His faux gozongas are too huge for the pink and black paisely blouse he wears- one of the buttons flies off and hits T in the head with a soft 'Ping!'. Not only is his face slathered in make-up, but it is just as stubbly as his hoseless legs. Squeezed into patent leather pumps that are two sizes too small for him, his foot-fat hangs over the edge of each shoe. With an awkward smile he fixes his curly wig with one of his massive, manicured hands, revealling for a moment the pantyhose skullcap beneath.

T:... Um, Shadi?

SHADI: *Shaking his hand* I'm your biggest fan!

T: Shadi, that's... That's not Oprah.

SHADI: *Crestfallen* What? No no, this is Oprah, she's just... Put on a little weight.

T: Nooo.

SHADI: No?

T: Uh-uh.

SHADI: But-

T: *Shakes head* No, non, nein, iie, nyet-

SHADI: But I asked you and you said you were the Queen of Daytime Television!

'OPRAH': Honey, I said I was the _Drag_ Queen of Daytime Television.

SHADI: That's the same thing, right?

T: *Facepalm*

SHADI: Right?

T: Would you like to...?

'OPRAH': Sure. T, Pirate Duke of Leprachauns does not own South Park, Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Yu-Gi-Oh or any of the other characters here, nor does she own the rights to Dr. Phil's show.

T: *Pushing through Shadi and 'Oprah'* Dr. Phil gets me excited about my life!

'OPRAH' & SHADI: O.O;

T: Just kidding, he doesn't really. *Hides in the corner*

Chapter 24

SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK'S WITH CARTMEN? (Part I)

"And we now return you to our Dr. Phil marathon."

The houshare groaned.

"There's only so many times he can tell you to help yourself!" Elrond exclaimed, putting his hands up in a 'why me' pose.

"I'd like to help him." Han said, making a fist and punching his palm menacingly.

"Oh, come on guys, just don't watch." Tea said.

Grumbling and muttering, the living room cleared out, all except for Cartmen.

"Cartmen?" Tea said, surprised. "You watch Dr. Phil?"

"I wanna see what the old Fuck's about." He muttered, and Tea smilingly left him to it.

The birds warbled in the trees, and thought they broke the silence of the early morn, they still maintained a relatively peaceful quiet. Alas, the houshare knew it wouldn't last long. In about ten minutes, Gollum would hurl himself up the stairs and run around the second floor, looking for the One Ring.

They waited, but Gollum never came. Perplexed, they went downstairs. He wasn't in his closet. Elrond opened the door to the kitchen, and gave a loud, booming laugh.

They rushed over to see what it was, their jaws dropping to the floor. In the kitchen was Cartmen, having what seemed to be a tea party with Gollum. They might have thought this to be a coincidence that both were at the table, but in seeing Cartmen's red cocktail dress, clip on earrings and blushed cheeks, they gasped.

"Did you drink my beer?" Han exclaimed, annoyed.

"Heavens to Betsy, no." Cartmen said with a giggle.

"Did... He just say Heavens to Betsy?" Gandalf whispered.

"Yes, I did Gandalf. Swearing is wrong."

With a strangled cry, Gandalf jumped Cartmen, shaking him by the shoulders.

"Who are you? What have you done with Cartmen?" He shouted.

"Now calm down, friend, and have some tea and crumpets."

"Okay." Gandalf said, about to sit down. "No, wait! Not until you answer my questions!"

"It's me!" Cartmen said, throwing up his hands. "I just decided to change my ways a little, that's all. I was a swearing, mean boy before and I wanted to change that."

Everyone blinked as his words sunk in.

"Cartmen..." Leia said. "You're scaring me."

"Oh, dear. I'm sorry!"

She blinked, shaking her head and exiting the room just as Yami Bakura came in. "What're we looking at? Moo!"

"You promised you wouldn't do that!" Bakura wailed.

Yami Yugi scowled at the tomb robber, putting an arm around Bakura.

"Is that... Why yes it is." He said, bending over and peering at Cartmen. A bell sounded. "Ooh, my macaroons!"

He hurried up from the table and over to the oven. They all backed away slowly, like Steve Irwin would to a rabid hippopotamus. They ran up the stairs, holding a council in Han's room.

"What do we do! What do we do?" Elton screamed, rolling on the floor.

"You can start by getting up and shutting up." Elrond said in an icy tone.

"Oh, you're not still miffed about my sleeping beside you?"

"MIFFED?" Elrond roared, standing up with such ferocity that everyone cowered in his or her chair.

"You had your head on my shoulder, traced circles on my chest with your index finger and asked me what I was thinking about!"

"Please." Gandalf began, taking Elrond's shoulders and attempting to push the nostril-flared elf into his seat. "Let's stay on topic."

"Moo." Yami Bakura said.

Bakura jumped a foot in the air, grabbing onto Chewie, his eyebrow twitching.

"Yami!" Tea scolded.

Yami chuckled softly, crossing his arms.

"Nun!" Bakura retorted.

"Where?" Yami Bakura screamed, snatching his hikari and using him as a human shield.

"You're both freaks. Continue Elrond." Han said.

"Yes." He said, tenting his fingers. "I blame Martha Stewart-"

"Elrond Halfelven!"

"But, I don't believe she's the culprit this time. And for the record I was simply stating that Cartmen's macaroons bared a resemblance to hers. Anyway..." Elrond said, clearing his throat. "The poncy effeminate powers which hold the boy captive are too great to break by us alone. He was lazy, sports will not help. He cooks now, food will not help. He says 'Heavens to Betsy.' There is no hope left."

"Nooo!" Elton screamed at the ceiling, falling to his knees. "He was so young!"

"Shut up!" Elrond snapped, his anger fading back into calmness at an alarming speed. "Menopause." Han muttered.

"I heard that." Elrond hissed. "But, as I was about to say before I was so rudely interrupted." He cast a glance at Elton, who grinned sheepishly. "There is another plan that just might be successful."

"Plan B?" Yugi said.

"Yes." Elrond said slowly "B."

There was a dramatic pause, and someone coughed.

"My hypothesis is that in watching Dr. Phil Cartmen learned that he should be kinder to others, but became obsessed and a perfectionist. So, we must-"

"Call in Dr. Phil!"

"Thank you for shattering our moment of suspense, Legolas!"

"Sorry." The blond elf sneered, flipping his hair over his shoulder. "Excuse me for living!"


	25. Shit! What The Fuck's With Cartmen? End

T: Oh well. I guess Oprah was too busy helping Dr. Oz with his own show that she couldn't come down and see us.

SHADI: Dr. Oz doesn't have his own show.

T: What're you talking about? I just saw that paranoid segment on how evil carpets are.

SHADI: Dr. Oz doesn't have his own show.

T: Sure he does, late afternoons on-

SHADI: *Raps his knuckles on an invisible wall* Time bubble.

T: Right, right. I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, South Park, or the rights to Dr. Phil's show... And Dr. Oz doesn't have his own show. Just ask the Time Bubble.

Chapter 25

SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK'S WITH CARTMEN? (Part 2)

Yami Bakura and Yugi grinned deviously to one another. Yami dialed the number, and they put the phone down between them.

"Hello?" A Texan voice asked.

"Is this Dr. Phil?" Yugi said in a deep voice.

"Yes, it is."

"We're from the... Water Conservation Bureau of... Kentucky." Yami lied, nudging Yugi so he wouldn't laugh.

"What can I do for you?"

"We just need to ask you a few questions." Yugi said, stifling a giggle.

"Ask away."

"Is your toilet running?"

"Hang on." There was a long pause and the sound of footsteps. Yami Bakura and Yugi snickered. "Yes."

"Well then you'd better catch it!" They exclaimed in unison, laughing hysterically.

"Why you! How did I not see that coming? Your ass is grass, boy! I may be a country boy, but I'm no fool!"

"Yami! Yugi!" Gandalf scolded, taking the phone from which loud angry ramblings came. "I'm so sorry, Dr. Phil."

"It's all right." He sighed. "It happens more often than I'd like to admit. But this'd better be serious."

"Oh, it is, it is." Gandalf said, nodding.

"A friend of ours, a rather crude, masculine friend, has become effeminate and polite. Normally we wouldn't complain, but it's very scary and not like him."

"I'll be right over! To the Oprah-mobile!" Phil exclaimed. "Uhm... Did I just say that out loud?"

"Yes." Yami and Yugi snickered.

"I'd appreciate you not mentioning that."

"Done."

The doorbell rang, and Yami Bakura went along with Gandalf to answer it.

Standing there was the big man himself, Dr. Phil.

"Hello, this is the right house? The woman next door was yelling about good things and whipping cupcakes at me."

"Yes, and that was Martha Stewart. We've had run ins with her before." Gandalf explained.

"DEVIL'S FOOD CAKE!" Cried a cheerful voice.

A violent shiver ran through Phil.

"Get inside, quickly!" Gandalf exclaimed, pulling him in by his tie.

"AND THAT'S A GOOD THING!"

"So.." Phil said, and then caught a glance of Yami Bakura. "Hey, you're that poor boy who nearly got it form Bullzilla!"

He shook his head, and evil glint coming to his eye as he saw Bakura come out of the kitchen.

"That would be him." He said, pointing. "Ryou!"

"Hmm?" Bakura looked up from the plate of cheese and crackers he was carrying.

"Moo!"

"Stop it! Stop it!" He wailed, running up the stairs.

"Yami! That was cruel." Gandalf said, hitting him with his staff.

Yami Bakura simply chuckled.

"Yes, but it was fun."

"Hello?" Bakura said from the top of the stairs, clutching the phone to his ear. "Oh, hello Sister. Yes, Yami's here."

"You're lying!" Yami Bakura hissed.

"Yes, I'll ask him."

"Ryou, if they're really is someone there..."

"It's for you." He smirked, holding the receiver out.

"Don't you-" Yami Bakura sputtered.

"Yes, he's coming."

"Ryou! Stop it!" Yami said, panicking.

Phil just stared, Gandalf shaking his head slowly.

"Bless you too."

This pushed Yami Bakura over the edge. He ran, screaming, up the stairs, and dove at Bakura, tackling the grinning boy. He grabbed the phone and hung up, before, still screaming, he ran to his room. Bakura laughed and pelted him with cheese as he chased after him.

"This house needs as much help as it can get." Phil muttered, sighing. "Now where's the effeminate boy?"

"Oh, thank god!" Han said, coming out of kitchen and rushing over, heartily shaking Phil's hand. "You're from the institution come to take that nut Yami away?"

"No, but I guess I'll take a look at him too, and the other boy while we're at it." Phil said, letting himself be led to Cartmen.

"Now Cartmen, you said you wanted to change so that the others would like you better?"

He nodded sadly.

"You shouldn't have to change yourself so that people will like you, boy. And besides, they like you as you are. You can try to improve yourself if you want to, like maybe cut back on the swearing-"

"So what you're saying is... No matter what I'm like, they're stuck with me? Forever?"

"Well, I guess-"

"Thanks, Dr. Poof!" Cartmen exclaimed, ripping off his earrings and rubbing away the make-up. "They're stuck with me, and if they don't like it, tough Shit! They can't do Jack Fuck!"

"Uhm... Well-"

By this time Cartmen had bolted from the room, nearly knocking over Elrond.

"Make way, clammy!"

"Ah, I see you've fixed him."

"We need to get you fixed!" He called back with a laugh.

Elrond forced a grin. "It's good to have him back."

"I wasn't gone long." Elton said, grocery bags in hand, kissing him not the cheek.

"Not you!" Elrond roared, wiping Elton's spit away. "And don't you do that again!"

Phil backed out of the kitchen as Elrond went crazy, trying to peel Elton off him. Tea was reading calmly in the living room, despite what was going on around her. Yugi had squirted his Yami with a gun full of ketchup, the front of his leather shirt now covered with red splotches. He was chasing him around the room, tripping over things. Suddenly, he tripped over the coffee table, his pants ripping.

"I see London, I see France, I see the Pharaoh's underpants!" Yami Bakura exclaimed, laughing manically.

Yami Yugi, ignoring the fact that his red briefs were in full view of everyone in the room, began chasing the tomb robber, Yugi trying to set them apart.

Phil backed out of this room, to see Legolas duelling Gollum with a carrot for his hair dryer. Gandalf was at the top of the stairs, leaning against the banister. Yoda came barrelling around the corner, the tips of what little hair he had left on fire. He ran into a screaming Gandalf, and both rolled down the stairs, landing in a heap.

Han, a drunken mess, fell over the railing and onto Jabba, who gurgled at him, obviously cursing. Leia ran around the second floor, laughing and clicking her lighter, a flaming shot glass in hand.

Phil, totally mortified, backed out the door and into the driveway. He continued backing up, unable to peel his eyes from the strange sight, eventually tripping over Chewie who was sunbathing. Bakura was a few feet away, whistling British pop songs while gardening.

"Oh, hello." He said cheerfully, seeing Phil. "Thanks again for helping Cartmen."

"No trouble..." Phil said, forcing a smile.

Bakura smiled and turned back to his work, paying no heed to Elrond who toppled into the rose bushes, Elton leaning out the bathroom window proclaiming his love for him.

Phil ran. He ran like the wind, dress shoes slapping the pavement.

"These people are nuts!"

WITTY PHANTOM: Quite rightly, I agree with the good doctor. They are nuts. *Moves finger in a circular motion by his left ear.*

RAY: And we made 'em that way! *cheers*

WITTY PHANTOM: Well, reader, Valentine's day is coming up very soon. And you know what that means.

RAY: *whispering* Are you sure they know?

WITTY PHANTOM: Of course they know about Valentine's day!

RAY: Is that the day where Martha comes over and makes you eat her truffles?

WITTY PHANTOM: *pulls at his hair* NOOOOOOO!

RAY: *clearing throat* Well, reader, his mind's kinda in a state of shock, so I'll continue. Be sure to get your lover a ravenous beaver this Valentine's day, Kay? *giggles*


	26. Love Is In The Air!

SHADI: *Out of the corner of his mouth* Read and Review?

T: *Mouth full of pizza* Wha?

SHADI: *Whispering* Tell them to Read and Review!

T: ... Right! Yes, okay, sorry. Read and Review and... Disclaimers, don't own... Yeah.

SHADI: Smooth.

Chapter 26

LOVE IS IN THE AIR! DEPENDING ON WHAT YOU CONSIDER THAT TO BE...

"Does everyone know what today is?"

"Bull run?" Leia asked.

"What- no!" Elton exclaimed.

"If you moo, I will kill you." Bakura hissed to his Yami, who licked his finger and pretended to poke Bakura.

"Hiss! Whoa, still hot, are we?"

Yugi snickered.

"I meant in the angry way!" He exclaimed.

Elton sighed. "Today's Valentine's day!"

Elrond, who had been calmly reading his newspaper, bolted up from his seat and tore up the stairs as fast as a three thousand year old elf could.

Elton snickered evilly, rubbing his hands together.

"Yes, run for now. But you will be mine!" He cackled.

"Valentine's day, eh?" Yami Bakura said. "Perhaps I could use this so called day to apologize to Ryou." He grabbed his coat and headed out the door.

"Where's he going?"

"Do we care?" Han smirked.

"Now, Han! That isn't what friends say to each other!" Tea scolded.

"Dear Ra, no!" Yami Yugi growled, flicking the pages of his newspaper together.

"He's not my friend." Han retorted.

"Well... Uh... Er..." Tea stammered. "I'll be back!"

She ran up the stairs, and they heard a door slam.

"She can write one of those friendship speeches pretty quick, so I suggest you go somewhere." Leia warned.

Han didn't need to be told twice.

"Alright, who's the joker!" Gandalf roared, coming into the room holding an apple pie. "To Gandalf," Yugi read. "May this Valentine's day bring you many sloppy, dirty, bakery fresh memories."

Yugi giggled like a schoolgirl, falling down onto his Yami who scowled.

"Gandalf, I'm trying to maintain Yugi's innocence." He said sternly.

"It's not my fault!" He protested. "Who wrote it!"

Cartmen laughed hysterically.

"Go on, fuck it! Spank that pie!" He said, air-thrusting and doing the 'Spank it' dance move made famous by Foxxy Cleopatra in Goldmember.

Gandalf let out a great roar, and proceeded to chase Cartmen around the house, yelling: "I DO THAT ONCE AND YOU KEEP BRINGING IT UP!"

"What did that pie bring up for you, pointy hat."

"WHY YOU LITTLE!"

The houshare winced at each crash before they sighed and returned back to what they were doing.

Elton hummed to himself, lighting candles and pouring wine. This would be a valentine's Elrond would never forget!

"Perfect." Yami Bakura said with a grin. "Ryou's going to like me for this."

In the bag under his jacket was an Australian crocodile, but little did Yami know that this was of the breed that grew terribly quickly.

Rushing up the stairs and dodging an urn sent flying by Gandalf, Yami ducked into the bathroom, filling the bathtub with water and dumping the croc in. "Stay in here, or I'll make you into boots!" He hissed at it, grinning as he bounded from the room.

The croc's beady little eyes shifted, and it crawled out of the bathtub and into the toilet, nothing but it's shining evil eyes showing in the pipe.

Unfortunately, Yami Bakura had forgotten to lock the door, also forgetting about the croc. After dinner, Han went into the washroom to wash the rib sauce from his hands. The smell drew the crocodile, which had tripled in size, out of the pipe.

Han accidentally knocked over the toothbrush holder, which clattered to the ground. He bent to pick it up, and the crocodile lunged. Han gave an ear-shattering cry.

"Needs more fibre, yes." Yoda said wisely, going back to his Yoga.

Meanwhile, Elrond was having a terrible time shaking Elton off. He was now holding a chair as a weapon, an expression of utmost fear on his face.

"Oh, one kiss! One kiss is all I ask!" Elton whined, and Elrond swung at him. Elton grinned as the chair whooshed by his head. "Missed! Missed again! Come on, bring it!" Elrond, getting more and more irritated, swung again and again, finally meeting his mark.

Elton rubbed his cheek, the smile never fading. He grabbed the chair and threw it aside. "Cheeky little devil!"

Elrond's face paled, becoming paler then chalk as he was backed into a corner.

Elton kissed him forcefully.

Suddenly, a blinding flash of light caught Elrond's eye, and he, grateful for the distraction, pulled away. Cartmen was standing in the doorway with a camera, laughing hysterically.

"Gettin' some, clammy?"

"Give me that!" He roared, lunging at the obese child, before a fearsome cry stopped him in his tracks.

"IT BIT ME IN THE ASS! HOLY MOTHER OF-"

They cringed at the amount of profanity which followed, running towards the unrepeatable sound.

"Oops." Yami Bakura muttered, although he was quite amused.

"You did this?" Han roared trying to tackle him, wincing and rubbing his backside.

" Yet another thing that Yami puts in the toilet." Tea sighed.

"Yes! I win the bet! Cough it up!" Leia laughed. "It's a reptile!"

"It wasn't supposed to be in the- You're betting on me?" Yami Bakura exclaimed. "Well, then where was it supposed to be?" Han hissed, glaring.

"In the tub! It's a gift for Ryou!" He hissed back.

"For me?" Bakura said in contented disbelief.

Yami bakura nodded, blushing.

"Aww! Thank you!" He hugged him.

Cartmen snapped a picture, laughing. "Fudge packer!"

"That's a crude term!" Gandalf hissed, hitting him with his staff. "And they're not." He added, seeing the murderous glare that the tomb robber gave him.

"What's going on?" Elrond demanded.

"Yami bought an alligator and it got stuck in the john." Han said, taking a deep breath before yelling. "And it bit me in the ass!"

"Hey, it's not a gator, mate, it's a croc. There's a difference, although not many people can see it." A tanned, Australian man with blond hair and khaki shorts pushed through.

"Steve Irwin?" Legolas exclaimed.

"That's right mate, I'm here to help!" He said, clicking his tongue. "Now, everybody out, I'm going to need lots of room."

They did as they were told, and he snuck up to the croc.

"Oh, you're a beaut!" He crooned. The croc snapped at his hand. "Don't get nasty, boy, I'm here to help you."

He picked up the plunger, fending it off.

Everyone held their breath. Steve lunged, pulling the croc from the toilet and wrestling it to the ground. The battle raged, but Steve emerged victorious, after tying it's jaw shut with the extension cord.

"Here's the problem with keeping a croc as a pet." Steve said, panting. "They get much too large, and people try to flush 'em. Especially these crocs, and I was wrong. She's a Shelia, the Sheila's get much bigger then the fellas." He picked up the great beast and walked out of the room. "I'm going to have to take her, the boys at the reserve will want to have a dekko at her. G'day mates!"

"G'day!" They replied in unison, not bothering to figure out how he had shown up so quickly.

"Well, I'm sorry about that, Ryou."

"Thought that counts." He replied with a grin. "And Han?"

"Yes?" He said bitterly, through clenched teeth.

"It's a good thing you were carrying that adult magazine in your back pocket, or it might had been much worse."

Han blushed, cursing him, and everyone wrinkled their noses, laughing.

"Now that's not what friends say!"

Everyone groaned as Tea ranted for a good ten minutes. Elton John finally had enough, and took off his heeled dress shoe and hit her in the back of the head.

"That's the end of that." He sighed, happily dusting off his hands.

/\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/\\\\

T: R.I.P Steve. We miss you.

SHADI: Actually, he's technically not dead.

T: All hail the almighty Time Bubble!

Pumping her fists in the air and freakout dancing around the room, T knocks over the pizza. The mess of sauce, stringy cheese and pepperoni spells out 'Read and Review' and 'It Comes Time Again To Say Goodbye!'


	27. It Comes Time Again To Say Goodbye!

T: You know, I forgot how long this story was. It's pretty long, isn't it?

'OPRAH': *Eating a plate of hors d'oeuvres* I'll say.

T: .

SHADI: .

T: *Pushed forward by Shadi* Um... Why are you still here?

'OPRAH': *Continues eating hors d'oeuvres*

T: Oh... Okay, then. Let's get on with it, shall we? Shadi, will you do the honours?

SHADI: T does not own South Park, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, or Yu-Gi-Oh.

T: No bellydance?

SHADI: What?

T: You used to bellydance. A lot.

SHADI: I did, didn't I?

T: What's with that. And what's with Watson, what was that all about?

SHADI: You had a Keystone Kops phase.

T: I had a Keystone Kops phase?

SHADI: You did.

T: Huh... I guess that explains where Charlie Chaplin came from.

SHADI: That is does.

Silence.

T: Man but this story is long though!

Chapter 27

IT COMES TIME AGAIN TO SAY GOODBYE!

Tea sighed, casting a final glance around the empty room, and the hallway with no one in it. The house was silent. Tea had thought right from the beginning that she wanted out as fast as possible, but now that the last week had drawn to a close, it was depressing. She didn't want to leave her new friends behind..

"Well." Yugi said, standing with everyone on the front lawn. "It's been a good run." Yami Yugi nodded, before breaking down.

"I'm going to miss all of you!" He sobbed, grabbing each in a bone-crushing embrace, even Yugi, who laughed.

"You're coming home with me, silly!"

"I got caught up in the moment." He said, wiping away a tear.

"Well, I didn't think I'd ever be saying this, but I'm going to miss all of the practical jokes you played on me, freak." Han sniffed, wiping his nose on his sleeve.

" I'll miss all of your stupid comments, moron. But at least you'll always have that scar on your ass to remember Ryou and me by."

"Awww!" Elton sighed. "That's so cute! And I'm going to miss you, Elrond. Visit me sometime?"

"Well..." He said, blushing as Elton hugged him, but then remembering whom it was. "No!"

"I tried." The British singer said, with a shrug.

"I'm sorry I made all of those pie jokes, pointy hat." Cartmen said, his lower lips quivering. "No, wait, I'm not."

"Well, whatever. It was nice to spend time with you, Cartmen."

"Me too, pointy hat. But..." He paused. "I'm going to miss you most, Clammy."

He hugged Elrond. Elrond smiled.

"You were a little brat, Cartmen. But I must admit, I'm going to miss the way the veins in my head bulged when you angered me."

Silent tears ran down every face, and there was a lot of hugging. Suddenly, a puff of black smoke appeared, none other then the witty phantom standing in it.

"You see? You cursed my name several times, yet this was my intent the whole time." he said, with a toothy grin.

"Yes, I'm sure it was, you nutcase!" Leia hissed.

"I thought you were all-"

"Yes, we're friends now, but you just got lucky." Yami Yugi said sternly.

A lone bead of sweat ran down the phantom's face.

"Well, alright, fair enough, but everything's worked out now and it is for the best, so-" "Well, I don't know." Tea said with a devious grin.

Everyone looked curiously at her.

"What can you do to me?" The Witty Phantom sneered.

"There's someone who wants to say hello. I called her over." She smirked, crossing her arms.

"GINGER SNAAAAAAPS! WHO WANT'S ONE?"

Cartmen snapped a picture as the Phantom's face twisted into the look of horror, disbelief and utter madness that Edvard Munch's 'The Scream' made famous. A smile appeared on every face as a blonde tornado zipped up the driveway, turning circles around the Phantom.

"No... No, it can't be... Not..."

"You're moving back in, and that's a good thing!" Martha gushed, hugging him so tight that his eyes bulged and his face turned purple. "Have a ginger snap! And that's a good thing!"

The phantom tried desperately to shake her off but he couldn't: panic had seized him. In a fit of insanity, he began laughing, and proclaimed:

"Don't blame me! I'm just a pawn to an even bigger evil!"

"Really, which one?" Han smirked.

"An evil so terrible that it was banished to the Beer and Peanut Isles! An evil by the name of …T, Pirate Duke of Leprechauns!"

"That's crazy talk." Yugi said.

"It's true!" He screamed, giving a strangled cry as Martha crammed three or four ginger snaps down his throat.

"Eat up! I've got one thousand and three hundred thirty three left!" She giggled. "And that's a good thing!"

While the phantom fought with his perfectionist captor, Yami Bakura turned to Tea perplexed.

"Why Tea, I didn't think you had such a dark side!"

/\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/\\\\\\\\\\/

'Oprah' is eating hors 'doeuvres. She polishes off three cheese squares- marbled, mellow orange and strong yellow- and a spinach puff. Setting these toothpicks down, she picks up the two that are stuck in a pair of mini pizzas. Five pickled onions, three cherry tomatoes, seven gherkins, three mozerella sticks, eight devilled eggs and six beer-battered shrimp later there are enough to spell out- 'Oprah' belches, scattering the toothpicks onto the floor. T rushes into the room and slides on her knees in front of 'Oprah', holding up a sign that reads: Read and Review.

T: I'll tell you what, I'm not going to miss this artsy crap.

'Oprah' breaks wind.

.


	28. A Party To Celebrate The Inevitable End

T: *Watching 'Oprah' eat hors d'oeuvres* Why is she still here?

SHADI: How should I know?

T: *Hitting him* Because you're the one who invited her!

SHADI: *Smugly and with his eyes closed* You keep this up and I won't tell you who I got to explain the science behind this Time Bubble we're standing in.

T: *Jerking her thumb at 'Oprah'* Another comedic mishap?

SHADI: Nope, he's the real deal.

T: All right, you've got my attention. Who's the real deal?

SHADI: Dr. Who. _Who_ better to explain time-related science?

T: Lame.

SHADI: Come on!

T: We've already got a fake Oprah, Shadi, we don't need a fake Dr. Who.

SHADI: But he is Dr. Who. *Calling over his shoulder* Come on in!

A skinny man in a pink shirt, purple bow tie and leather-patched tweed jacket bounces into the room. Looking it over once with a pair of quick blue eyes, he pushes his floppy brown hair out of his eyes and runs at T, who is frozen with her mouth wide open and her hands clenched in claws of frustration.

MS: Hello! *Clapping his hands* Who needs some technical mumbo-jumbo?

T: You're not Dr. Who.

MS: Yes I am.

T: No you're not.

MS: Yes, I am.

SHADI: *Giddily* Yes, he is.

T: He's Matt Smith.

MS: That I am! *Clapping his hands* Okay, so where shall I start?

T: Everyone knows David Tennant is the real Dr. Who.

MS: The tenth doctor, yes. _Who_ better to play the eleventh *To Shadi* Did she laugh?

SHADI: Not even a smile.

T: I can name quite a few who'd be better than you.

MS: Oh.

T: David Tennant.

MS: Well, all right, I'll give you that one.

T: And pretty much every other UK actor out there.

MS: Why doesn't anybody like meeee? :_ (

T: *Pulls out a document entitled Itemized List* Let's see...

MS: Well, enough of that *clapping his hands* Okay, let's get started, shall we?

T: Stop doing that.

MS: Stop doing what *clapping his hands*

T: Clapping your hands.

MS: I'm not clapping my hands. *clapping his hands*

T: Yes, you are, you do it all the time! It's really annoying.

MS: I never clap my hands *clapping his hands*

T: Yaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

T grabs Matt Smith's wrists and the two fight, knocking each other around the inside of the time bubble. Shadi leaps around them, making faces and hissing in sympathy pain. Getting down on his hands and knees he slaps the floor like a wrestling ref, T having gotten Matt Smith on the floor.

MS: But... They... Say... I'm... Cute! *clapping his hands*

T screams and pulls out her hair. Matt Smith pushes her off, pushing her into 'Oprah', who drops the platter and turns around glaring, bits of crumbled cheese around his ruby red lips. These lips part in a gigantic smile as he sees Matt Smith, and batts his eyelashes.

MS: Oh dear.

'OPRAH': Spinach puff, handsome?

MS: N-N-No thank you, really I'm fine.

Squealing, he runs behind the couch, 'Oprah' on the other side of it and moving with him.

MS: I think I hear the TARDIS calling me!

'OPRAH': Is there room in that box for two?

MS: *Sprinting with 'Oprah' hot on his heels* T doesn't own South Park, Lord of The Rings, Yu-Gi-Oh, Star Wars, or even me, Dr. Who! Save me, Steven Moffat, save me!

T: *Slamming the door* And stay in the Pandorica!

Chapter 28

A PARTY TO CELEBRATE THE INEVITABLE END, ADIEU MES AMIS!

Everyone was dressed in his or her Sunday best. The Fed Ex man had been invited for his trouble, and other guests included Martha Stewart, Colonel Saunders, Charlie Chaplin, the Sister of Saint Saintly, Meter Pansbridge, Juan and Julio accompanied by Bullzilla, Edgar Allen Poe, Dr. Phil and Steve Irwin.

Bakura and his Yami were sitting in the corner, sipping punch and trying not to be noticed, for fear of Bullzilla and the nuns.

"Oh, I love your show." Chaplin said to Martha, catching her arm.

"Really?" She said, with a grotesque smile.

"Oh, definitely. How is it you get grass stains out of a bowler hat?"

The conversation dragged on and Meter Pansbridge, who had been standing nearby, shuddered and walked walked up to the bar, where the Witty Phantom and Fed Ex man were sitting, knocking back drinks like no tomorrow.

"Damn that Martha Stewart." The Phantom muttered.

"What I don't get," Fed ex guy began with a resounding belch. "Is how she finds the time or energy to make all them purty things. She's fifty eight!"

"I agree." Meter said, sitting down to talk with the people with whom he shared an interest. "Rum and coke!"

Elton was playing the piano for the happy, dancing couples. Legolas and Gollum dancing together were the most skilled of all. Gandalf was also dancing, but he wasn't one thousandth as skilled- the paramedics stood at the edge of the floor, annoyed at being called over to 'help the old man having a seizure'.

The Mother Superior of Saint Saintly chased Cartmen around the room with her ruler, he having agreed to say his own special version of grace before they all sat down to the buffet.

"The Raven was published in 1846." Poe was telling Han.

"Is that the one with the weird bird?"

"You, sir, have no attention to the arts." Poe sighed, rolling his eyes. "Would you like to hear it?"

"Yeah, sure, but then you've got to tell me about that wine!"

"Certainly, my pleasure." He replied with a twisted grin.

"Go Phil! Go Phil!" Leia, Elrond, Juan and Yami Yugi chanted, watching Phil do the limbo with extreme expertise.

"I've never seen something like you before." Steve Irwin said, looking curiously at Chewie who growled in approval. "Can I get a dekko at your choppers?"

Tea was ranting on about friendship to Jabba, who didn't seem to mind in the least. But that might have been because he was next to the speakers, and couldn't hear a word she was saying. Yoda -dancing around in his underpants- finally got dragged out by security when he bribed the DJ to play Flashdance's 'She's A Maniac' and promised 'an authenic amateur restaging, yes' to the hat check girl.

"Listen, Yugi." The Colonel said, coming up to him. "I'm sorry about the whole trying to kill you thing."

"That's okay." Yugi replied cheerfully. "Chicken?"

"Absolutely- so long as it's not that damn fried dough ball on a stick."

"Fine!" Bakura hissed to Bullzilla. "I'll dance with you, but if those hooves get somewhere they shouldn't be, you'll be ground beef!"

Bullzilla mooed in approval, and Bakura, feeling stupid, followed him to the dance floor.

"I wonder what kids you'd have!" Yami Bakura called to him.

"Shut up!" Bakura hissed back. "I'm only doing this to be rid of him!"

Bullzilla turned around, mooing in perplexity.

"No, nothing." Bakura said hastily.

Yami Bakura, giving up, went over to the buffet and ate with the nuns, who screamed and covered their eyes as Yoda ran in, stark naked singing Copacabana at the top of his lungs.

"Her name was Lola, showgirl she was! With feathers yellow in her hair and skirt there down to!"

"Alright, rummy, let's go." The security guard said roughly, trying to catch him.

"No, that's okay!" Barry Manilow called, appearing out of nowhere to toss Yoda his jacket. "I'm sorry I'm late, I made it through the rain." Gandalf ran up onstage and produced his fiddle, and Elton began to play. Barry Manilow stretched out on the piano, taking a mike from his blazer pocket.

"Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl, with yellow feathers in her hair and a dress cut down to there! She could meringue, and do the cha-cha, but while she tried to be a star, Tony always tended bar. Across the crowded floor, he worked from eight till four, They were young and they had each other, who could ask for more! Down at the Copa, Copacabana, the hottest spot north of Havanna! at the Copa, Copacabaaaaaana! Music and passion, were always the fasion down at the Copa... They fell in love..."

"Ooooh ooooh ooooh!" Went Gandalf and Elton.

Suddenly a dark curtain swept across the scene, leaving only the Witty Phantom standing in front of it. He cleared his throat, and began speaking:

"If we shadows have offended, think but this, and all is mended; that you have but slumbered here, while these visions did appear. With this weak and idle theme, no more yielding but a dream. Gentles, do not reprehend, if you will pardon, we will mend. And as I am and honest schmuck, if we have unearned luck, now to scape the serpent's tongue, and make amends ere long. Unless this dude a liar call, so good night unto you all. Give me your hands, if we be friends, and The witty phantom shall restore amends."

"MAAAACARROOONS!" Cried Martha, running across and snatching the Phantom. "Nyaaaaaaahhhh!"

/\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/

SHADI: T, are you crying?

T: I've just got something in my eye.

SHADI: It's okay to be sad, the story is over.

T: *Bawls* I know I haven't written it in years but it still feels like- like- like a part of my life has ended!

SHADI: Well, you are more... *Holding his hands out in front of his chest* mature than when you first started it.

T: *Sniffling* Shut up! Why, I oughta-

SHADI: Bellydance, milday?

T: Aw, what the hell. For old time's sake.

T and Shadi begin to bellydance, soon joined by Watson and the Crone, 'Oprah' and a very relucant Matt Smith. Smiling and grooving to the music, they are unaware of the balloons and confetti raining down on them, balloons and confetti that spell the words 'Read and Review' and 'Finis.'

T: Merci, salut de la visite!


End file.
